This morning’s email brought some of the usual questions from TeenWorld:
- How do I stop being shy so I can make more friends?
- Should I tell me bff that I kissed her bf?
- My friend can be kinda mean, but my life wouldn’t be the same with out her. What should I do?
- My parents accuse me of smoking and doing drugs. I don’t! How can I get them to trust me?
Be careful what you wish for
And then there was this one. Even though I’ve heard it before, somehow it felt new. I responded right away, but if that’s all I did only one girl would see it. For something this important I decided to go bigger.
Girls, have a read. So when it comes to self-respect, relationships and sex, we can get clear on a few basics. If you’re a mom with a girl of your own, you should read it too. (Just don’t go nuts and accuse your daughter of anything! Not helpful for keeping open the portals of trust and communication.) And if you’re a teen guy or a dad, probably a good idea for you to read it too. Then you can think (and maybe even talk) about respect and relationships and the god’s honest truth that girls and guys don’t typically share a common perspective on sex and what it means.
Hey Terra,
A lot of my friends have lost their virginity and I really want to lose it and get it over and done with. This guy that I’ve known for ages but haven’t seen for a while wants me to come over tomorrow have sex with him. I want to, but I don’t know what the consequences are. A lot of people said you get attached and some don’t. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me!!!Wanna Lose it Already
Dear Wanna Lose It,
I don’t know if your friends are in loving, mutually respectful relationships (I sure hope so) but if what they’re doing is right for them, that doesn’t automatically make it right for you. You wrote to me for a second opinion. That indicates you’re wondering if having sex is the right move for you at this time.
You asked about the “consequences.” I don’t know how old you are or why you’re in such a hurry to not be a virgin any more. But I do know that sex isn’t something you do because you want it to be “over and done with.” That makes sense if you’re talking about taking out the trash or working on a dreaded homework assignment. But when it comes to sex, getting it “over and done with” is wrong thinking that will lead to a lot of disappointment and heartache.
Sex ought to be an act of love. If there isn’t mutual respect and trust, it’s just not good. Especially for girls. If your friends think of sex as something very casual that you do with just anybody, then it’s likely they will go from one sex partner to another, feeling crappy about themselves, empty and unloved.
Please do not follow in their footsteps.
As for the guy that you’ve know “for ages” who wants to have sex with you tomorrow. Don’t take that as a great offer or as a compliment. He wants to use your body so that he can have an orgasm. Afterwards, he will send you away and tell everyone what you let him do. Then his friends will text, saying they want to have sex with you too. Other girls will start talking about you. And if you do get “attached” to the first guy, he’ll make it very clear that he wants sex, not a relationship. All of this is going to make you feel horrible. And, on top of that, you might get pregnant. (Another very real consequence.) You might also get a sexually transmitted disease.
But what you most certainly will NOT get, is a feeling of being loved and treasured. You deserve that. If you settle for less you’ll regret it.
I hope this helps you sort out your feelings so that you can make your own decisions. One that’s 100% right for you.
In friendship,
Terra
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! I share at high schools about STDs, AIDS & the consequences of uncommitted sexual activity–physical (which can be horrible, life-threatening and carry life-long symptoms), mental, social, emotional and moral. Making a permanent decision based on temporary angst is dangerous. Even messing around where bodily fluids and skin-to-skin contact are shared can set you up for physical ramifications like Chlamydia, Herpes Symplex II & HPV. Even the bacterial strains that can be cured with medicine are often asymptomatic (you won’t know you have it) but the damage can lead to sterility. Plus, as Terra writes above, a feeling of being cherished is not in the mix if a guy just wants to use you to have an orgasm AND you cannot control the natural bonding effect of female hormones. It’s a minefield. Please aim for lifelong love and a mutually respectful relationship. Selling yourself short right now will leave you gutted and set up for relational difficulties when you someday meet the one you want to bond with for life. Protect that sexual stickum! (both physical and emotional) It’s the most precious gift you can give. Don’t let anyone treat you like a used condom to be tossed aside after they’ve wiped up their need.
Sorry to be so blunt–but I truly care.
Thank you, Terra, for your loving, informed response to Wanna Lose It Already.
Comment by Chana Keefer — April 16, 2013 @ 9:50 am
Hi Chana,
I appreciate your “bluntness.” (I wasn’t exactly subtle in my response to her either! LOL) Sometimes that’s exactly what teens need to hear. It apparently made an impression because she wrote back the next day and said, “everything you said has been at the back of my head.” She heard and she’s thinking about it. We’re gardeners, you know. All we can do is plant seeds and nurture them be reinforcing the message.
Thank you for weighing in and for the good work you do.
In friendship,
Annie
Comment by Annie — April 16, 2013 @ 1:37 pm
Thanks for a very appropriate response. Would your answer be the same if a boy asked it? I hope so. Too many parents, dads especially, think it’s ok for boy to have all the sex they can get? Check out a current book, The Price of Hooking Up. I think you’ll like it.
Thanks for all you do.
Comment by Dr. Par Donahue — April 16, 2013 @ 4:37 pm
Yes, Dr. Par, I would have answered with the same message of mutual respect and caring if a boy had answered the question. Absolutely! fyi, here’s an interview I did with FoxNews on the question of Teen Sex in the family home. Granted, a different situation from the one Wanna Lose it Already has described, but it offers more reinforcement for parents and teens on the importance of sex within a caring relationship vs a casual disconnected “activity.”
http://blog.anniefox.com/2011/07/22/teen-sex-under-my-roof-noyesmaybe/
Comment by Annie Fox — April 16, 2013 @ 8:04 pm
My response is exactly the same for boys. They too can contract the diseases mentioned above and their hearts can break just like their female counterparts. Just because they’re male doesn’t mean they’re emotionless animals–although society sometimes make it seem that way.
Karen Kropf of Positively Waiting (positivelywaiting.com) shows a slide of a row of ducklings following after a dog as she explains the term “imprinting.” If a young man’s first sexual experience involved fear, danger & risk with the sexual pleasure, he imprints on those emotions as the method toward sexual release/pleasure. Certainly helps to explain the guys who insanely go after sexual escapades while they have a wife and kids at home who love them.
Both sexes have been fed a pack of lies regarding sex. Both need to hear that there IS another option that is SOOO worth fighting for.
Comment by Chana Keefer — April 17, 2013 @ 1:08 pm
This is a great post. I recently wrote about a similar topic in the context of safe sex – talking about emotionally safe sex and the emotional impact that sexual behavior has based on chemicals and hormones released in the body and nervous system / brain that cause emotional impact. You can read more here:
http://drlauraoffutt.blogspot.com/2013/04/prom-topic-numero-uno-sex.html
It is so important to recognize how special and beautiful an intimate relationship can be, and how important that is to save for the right person and for the right reason. Another thing I wrote, is that OK, no, not everyone is having sex. Facts: More than half of high schoolers have NOT had sex. So if everyone you know is swearing they have or they brag about it or you feel like you are the last virgin on the planet, well…. Do the math. You look to your left and you look to your right, and chances are, at least one of ‘em hasn’t done the deed (or deeds as the case may be, since there is more than one type of sex).
Great post – keep up the good work.
Comment by Dr. Laura Offutt — May 8, 2013 @ 6:27 pm