I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything
I have a new puppy and a new appreciation for the importance of unstructured play. And of summer. Kids need a summer escape from homework, tests, and The Schedule. They need fun with friends and time spreading their wings. They need time to practice good judgement. And we need time learning to relax and let them.
I recently heard from a teen who wants to play, but he’s having trouble earning a recess pass:
Teen: I’m 14 and my parents don’t let me do anything. I only get to relax with my friends like once every 5 months. I asked to go to a theme park with my friends and my parents started freaking out and said no. They hold it against me for when I went to there last summer.
Annie: Parents don’t freak out for no reason. What happened the last time?
Teen: Nothing. I was completely safe. I didn’t do anything bad and neither did my friends. Besides my mom was there with us too. She just didn’t walk around with us.
Annie: Hmm. Sounds like you don’t know why your parents don’t want you to go to the theme park. You should ask them.
Teen: I always ask my parents nicely and very respectfully when I just want a day to relax with my friends. Even though my friends are good, my parents say no. All I ever get is school, swim practice, and go home and study. I’ve been doing that since I was 4 or 5. I talk to my parents about me growing up and I need to get out to experience life and they won’t listen to me. They say that other parents are the same, but when I ask other kids of overprotective parents, they are treated completely different.
I’m overall a good kid. They know I can make the right choices. I do my chores, do great in sports, have straight A’s, but my parents don’t give me anything in return. I guess they still don’t trust me. I’m getting very sick of being locked up in the house all day when school isn’t in session. I only ask once in awhile if I can be with my friends, but they always say no and never give me a reason why. If they told me why, maybe I would understand their thinking. Please help.
Annie: Maybe your parents are very afraid of your being out on your own. But it’s impossible to know what they’re thinking if they don’t tell you. When parents don’t help kids understand their perspective, it’s frustrating because it doesn’t give you anything to hope for or to work with. So how can you change their minds or the situation? You can’t. That’s unfair, but it is what it is.
For now, your parents make the rules. You want to earn the right to make more of your own decisions, so try negotiating with them. Say, “I want to go to ____’s house this afternoon from 1pm-3pm. We will be walking from here to there. I will call you as soon as I get there. I will call you when I leave to come home. May I please go?” If they say no, ask if you can go for one hour. Hopefully they will allow you more independence, a little at a time. If not, try to accept it and continue making good choices (you won’t be 14 forever.) If your parents give permission, make sure you follow the rules. Call when you say you will. Be home a few minutes early. In that way, they will learn to trust you and your ability to make healthy choices even when they aren’t around. That’s all parents really want, the peace of mind knowing that their kids know how to keep themselves safe. I hope this helps.
Teen: Yes. Thank you. 🙂
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My mum is being strict and cruel to me I always think about calling 999 to the police or live with my dad but she I am 18 this started when I was 8 I want to know has my mum gone crazy
Comment by Meng Juan — November 17, 2013 @ 1:20 pm
No sports. No games, nothing. I can’t even play a friendly game with my brother in our own house! Playing in the house already gets me the title of WORST KID EVER. I’m 13 years old and guess what? I’ve never had a sleepover. Never been to a friends birthday party. Never visited a friends house to play. Never stayed after school to play sports. Never joined a sports team. Never rode a roller coaster. Never been to a movie theater. Never tasted or even smelled the popcorn at the place. Never go to the park more then once in a month. Never able to ride my bicycle outside. ( what good is it rusting in the garage?) Never had anyone attend my birthday party. Never able to play video games. ( they are locked in a closet. This year makes 8 years since they entered the forever sealing chamber.)
Can’t use my phone for more then one hour. Can’t use the internet without ultimate supervision. Never able to step outside just for a breath of air unless if I’m told to. Never…. See what I mean?
Comment by Sad Boy — March 25, 2014 @ 2:11 pm
My parents are really nice but they are a bit overprotective . They don’t let me go anywhere by myself not even to my school which is just a 20 mins walk from my home. Once all my friends wanted to go McDonald’s and they said I must go with them as well guess what my mom came with us as well???? it was sooooo awkward. I just feel like my life is being wasted inside 4 walls!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even go to the park by myself. I just wanna have fun and hangout with my friends but I can’t and plus I am 14 years old and I don’t have a phone!!!!!!!! I’m only allowed to get a brick phone but I DONT WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!! And I have to go this trip for educational purposes and I can’t get my grades if I don’t go there and my parents are saying I can’t go and it doesn’t matter about my grades
Comment by Monisha — January 17, 2016 @ 1:58 pm
Obviously I don’t know your parents, Monisha. I’m not sure if these restriction are an attitude based on your parents’ culture or whether your community isn’t a safe one for 14 year olds to be walking around on their own. It could also be that you have not always shown good judgment in the past and your parents are reluctant to trust you on your own. I don’t know what’s true. But I do know that most stories have at least two sides. From what you describe it sounds like your parents are very very worried about your safety and that this might be why that are “overprotective” of you in these ways. As for not allowing you to go on a school sponsored (and supervised) educational field trip? I really don’t understand that. But, there is clearly something else going on here. Would it be possible for you to talk to the teachers who are part of this trip and explain your dilemma. Perhaps one of them would be willing to have a conversation with your parents about the details of the trip. They might relax a bit if they had a chance to have their questions and concerns about the trip addressed by a teacher (rather than by you). Just a thought.
Comment by Annie — January 17, 2016 @ 2:55 pm
My parents didnt let me go to theme parks wont let me go out with friends a lot of the time and never want to take me out and wouldnt let me go out on their own. Unless they felt like it. Wouldnt buy me things even when they said I was good. They told me I was being gr8 and suggested watch a movie cause TV was not allowed ever execpt a few times was allowed. They heard I want to watch TV and gave me a dangerous no comproming face. I had nothing to do for the whole day they told me I stay in your room. I needed shirts for winter and they said we dont have time and your a waste of money. When I was staying at dads house.
Comment by Natalie — September 25, 2016 @ 9:36 pm
Hey, so i don’t think my parents are overprotective, cause i tend to leave the house when things get to heated. But they never like to see playing games. Whenever i try to play any sort of game, whether with my friends down the street or on the computer. I always get the same “What the hell do you think your doing?”. Even when i have all my work finished or its over summer (with all chores done). They always try to find something “productive” of me to do. It just feels like if i’m not doing work then i’m doing something wrong. The view my parents show me is all games are evil virus of Satan. I genuinely have no idea why they do this, i get good grades and everything that’s expected of me, but its never enough. As said earlier the only breaks are get when i leave the house after they finished their 30 minute rant on how much of a bad child i am for wasting my time on games. I just never get to have fun.
Comment by James — July 14, 2018 @ 7:53 pm
My parents say they want me to have fun but they think that 30 minutes per week is way more than enough. They say I played too much and make me do math problems because they think I’m not good at math
Comment by James — November 11, 2018 @ 12:08 pm
James, I’m glad to hear that you get good grades and that you feel that you do “everything that’s expected” of you. Continue to make good decisions like that and you’ll have so many options for your future.
As for the fact that you “never get to have fun” — It sounds like your parents have a different idea of what you ought to be doing with your free time than you do. It also sounds like they may have some strong opinions about games. You might point out the fact that you need time to relax (after chores and homework/studying). Tell them, calmly and politely, that you’d like to prove to them that you can a) do what’s expected of you AND b) spend a certain amount of time playing games. See? It’s not either/or. It can be BOTH!
How about if you proposed a specific daily “dose” of game time (say 1 hour) and you agree to stick to it and only play AFTER everything else is completed. Ask them for a 1-week trail with this plan with the agreement that you and your parents will meet to talk about how things worked out at the end of that week.
It seems to me that if you are responsible and keep your agreements AND fulfill your other obligations, that your parents might allow you to have your game time.
Good luck! I hope it works out.
Comment by Annie — November 11, 2018 @ 12:45 pm
Hello James (from Nov 11, 2018) Your parents are focused on your success in school. This is not a bad thing. In fact, research shows that kids whose parents are involved in their school work typically get much better grades than kids whose parents don’t pay attention to what their kids do at school.
Thirty minutes a week of “fun” is definitely not enough for any human being… kid or adult. We aren’t machines! We need breaks to relax and laugh and play and get away from our work so that we can refresh our bodies and our brains.
You say that your parents don’t think you are good at math so that make you do math problems. What do you say about that? What does your math teacher say about that? Either you are doing your math work and succeeding in math or you need extra help. Which is it?
The reason I’m asking is this: If you’ve got math covered, then your parents ought to know so they can relax and let you take breaks from your school work. If you’re having challenges in math, then you might want to talk to your teacher and find out if you can get extra help.
The goal is to do your best at school AND take breaks.
Make sense?
Comment by Annie — November 11, 2018 @ 12:54 pm
Here are things I’ve never been able to do:
? Never walked home
? Never had a sleepover
? Never visited a friends house
? Never joined a sports team and played after school (I really want to do cross country or track)
? Never gone out with friends
? Never gone to the park by myself (even though it’s one street away)
? Never able to ride my bicycle (during the time I had one)
? Never attended a friend’s birthday party (even at a public place like Sky Zone)
? Never walked to the local store (despite it being, like the park, one street away)
I have as much freedom as sardines in a can.
I have walked home in secret on a few occasions but I was caught because I forgot to tell my mom that I had come back from a field trip and she called asking where I was and I said walking home because I didn’t want to lie and it was horrible. My mom took my phone and screamed at me. It’s really frustrating and I’ve tried to talk with my parents but it’s always no. I thought becoming 13 would get me more privileges but it didn’t.
I remember my mom telling me that I’d be allowed to walk home when I got into seventh grade. I’m in eighth grade now. I even tried telling her I’d walk in a group of 3-5 who lived close to me. I don’t even try to ask these days.
I was homeschooled recently and now I don’t even get to see my friends. It was tolerable before because I was at least able to see them at school but now I can only text them. My mom doesn’t even allow me to text, not on her watch. I’m just really tired of this back and forth and I like to daydream about finally being able to leave my parents’ and live in my own place.
I understand that my parents want to keep me safe and sound, which is why I don’t bring this topic up much anymore but I’m just feeling so sad all the time when I think about it and I just want to be able to go out and do things.
Comment by Vanessa — November 13, 2018 @ 10:44 am
Hi Vanessa,
I don’t know where you live, but unless it’s a place where people are in grave danger whenever they leave their homes, then it sounds like your mother is so anxious she is not thinking clearly. What you describe is beyond “over protective.” She believes in her heart that she is helping you (by keeping you safe) but she doesn’t realize how her fears are affecting you.
You feel sad and frustrated and isolated. It sounds like you also feel like a prisoner who has no freedom. What you want — to be able to “go out and do things” is perfectly reasonable and normal and yes, healthy. You are in the 8th grade and I can imagine how shut-in you feel.
Since you don’t want to bring this topic up with your parents, would it be possible for you to connect with the counselor at your school? Perhaps you could reach the counselor, by phone, tell him/her what you told me, and ask for some help. Perhaps the counselor would be willing to have a phone conversation with your parents.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
Comment by Annie — November 13, 2018 @ 11:24 am
My parents will not let me go to a dance, and I am not happy. Do they not trust me? Every time I ask why, they say because. That’s it… BECAUSE is not an answer. Whenever they ask me why i did that, I say because and they freak out. All I want is to have some freedom, they won’t even let me have a phone. When I did have one that I bought for like 300 dollars, they took it and said that I will get one when I am 18. There goes most of the summer that I just worked. I sit in my room staring at the ceiling most of the day after anyway because they only let me play fortnite fort two hours. I should be learning to set my own bedtimes, and I should be allowed to go to places that are at least a few feet from my house without my parents freaking out.
Comment by Christopher Flagg — January 23, 2019 @ 7:54 pm
I am also having a hard time with over protective parent. My Mom and Dad are divorced and the houses are like a hour away from each other. Well anyways I am a very respectful to them. Like I babysit a little to help them out. Well tomorrow my friend is hosting a indoor swimming event. I asked politely and she said No. I asked her why and she said I don’t know them. Well the question is why can’t you drop me off their and get to know her a little bit. Now all my friends get to go because there parents let them have fun. When I was about nine I could actually go on the street but that was about it. At 6 I couldn’t even get off the porch 7 I could go on the sidewalk. Now I’m a respectful 11 year old about to turn 12. It’s like I have no judgement still. I wish I could be rewarded for being such a good kid and treated like a actual 11 year old and not a 6 year old. I couldn’t have a sleep over till like 9. This is what I mean though. I do good in school. All my friends are good,. What else do they want from me???
Comment by Ava — April 5, 2019 @ 9:21 pm
Hello, my parents are very overprotective of me. Although, I am one of the most popular girls in my school, I don’t ever go out to a friend’s house or go to any school dances. I am a part of Honor Society, I play in my school’s band, Junior Class President, Honor Band Section Leader, Spanish Club President, and participate on the Varsity Softball and Soccer team for my high school. Along with my extracurricular activities I am on a 3 year graduation plan, and take dual enrollment courses. When I graduate high school I will be graduating with my High School Honors Diploma, Valedictorian, and with my Associates of Science. I will be the going to Berkeley California to major in Biology. I would like some freedom from the house, all I ever do is study and/or watch Netflix, play my saxophone, or write in my journal. Why won’t they let me go out? Do they not understand that it make me mad and frustrated, I seem like the perfect daughter but they can’t hide me from the world forever. I was born in Manhattan, New York and moved to a rural town in Nevada because of my father’s job as the superintendent of the open pit mine in another rural town for Nevada Gold Mines. In my Junior Class there are 54 students enrolled and only 226 students enrolled in the high school. My best friend’s dad is a cop, and I live in a pretty small town where everyone knows each other. They are always tracking me down with my phone and following me everywhere.
Comment by Jackie — December 26, 2019 @ 5:30 pm
My dad said that I play too much video games. When he literally plays the whole day on his star trek game. Like, it’s so dumb and I just want to punch something right now.
Comment by Benjamin Vo — August 30, 2020 @ 8:40 pm
I feel the same):
Comment by Same — October 13, 2020 @ 6:07 pm
Growing up religious.
The worst.
I can’t do anything, but I’m not allowed to feel upset about it because it’s part of my religion. I’m 14 almost 15 and it just kills to know most teens my age can do whatever the hell they want (With in boundaries obviously). I can only be friends with non religious people. Can’t watch movies or go on websites out of basic academic needs. Can’t play games or download apps. It just continues.
Comment by Cerecia — January 20, 2021 @ 10:30 am
My parents are very protective over me. I am 11 and like to play video games. There is one game called gacha club I would love to download it but my parents say it inapropriate and if I want it I should give up all my other games. I get so mad because for some reason one game is worth all the other games which is not fair at all. I have been invited to a sleepover but like the idiot parents they are I can’t go. I have only been to one party! At my great grandma’s house.-_- Yay..I wanted to go over to my friends house and they said I barely know them.I HAVE KNOWN THEM FOR 3 YEARS!!!Then my birthday came once again my friend wanted to send me a gift.But covid happened and They would have to send it to my address and my parents were stricter than ever. No cousin Party,No gift,No address.I am a good kid. I have a grade of A’s ever since kinder.Every summer break my parent make me do 20 pages of workbook a day.One night they made me do 50 until midnight.about 5 hours of work.At that point I was so Tired I told them I was going to the bathroom and stayed there to sleep on the carpet.I had to pretend I had a bad stomach so I could rest. My parents aren’t chinese.It also always seems like my mom takes my dad side and doesn’t care about my point of view. I was playing the cello which I was new to and he scolded me for not playing the note good enough.Thing is I DON’T HAVE EXPERIENCE!!! He always bullies me and never abuses me but always is so mean. I dream of having a life,to me this isn’t living,it’s just not dying…
Comment by Mia Jones — January 28, 2021 @ 7:20 pm
Hey, I honestly can’t deal with my parents. All of my friends are allowed to go to the mall, walk to parks, swear, walk on streets, wear actual clothes that aren’t hammy downs, change their rooms, get piercings, get tattoos, dye their hair,etc… I can’t do any of that stuff, my parents don’t let me change my room, dye my hair, go outside without telling them, walk around in a store, go in the pool without them being in there, or go on the trampoline without them watching. They let my brothers do whatever the heck they wanted, and I’m very mad, and sad, and can’t wait till I’m 18 so I can walk out of this house and never ever ever come back.
Comment by Audrey — August 20, 2021 @ 10:06 pm
Im so sick of my parents (especially my dad, my mom doesnt care much.) not letting me do anything but study for a whole month just because i have tests for my high school. I mean i get i have to study but does that mean i cant do anything? get on my phone for 1 second, i get yelled at. complaining for studying so much, i get grounded. Asking to go out for a 1 hour playdate with my friends, they almost didnt let me if i didnt threathen them. I also had to beg for days. I often have to lock myself in my room to avoid my parents but they always tell me to study and nothing else. i only get to look at my phone for 1 hour maximum every sunday. Honestly i wanna just move out on my own rathen than living with my overprotective parents. please help me
Comment by Depressed Kid — January 22, 2023 @ 10:34 pm