A friend just informed me that her 14-year-old granddaughter, Samantha, was approached by a few classmates on the first day of school and told, “Everyone hates you, Samantha. You know that, don’t you?”
Apparently Sami was clueless, so the news understandably did her in for the rest of the day. She wasn’t too keen on going to school the next morning, either.
We know kids are kids and they often need our help. So what’s our usual helpful advice in these situations?
A) Ignore those mean girls.
B) Pretend it doesn’t bother you.
C) Give them a taste of their own bitchiness right back at them.
D) Diffuse the tension with humor.
E) If the harassment gets really bad, switch schools.
F) None of the above.
F is the answer, even though most well-meaning adults believe the remedy to bullying is in the hand’s of the victim. (See A-E) Apparently we’re not trying to change the abuser’s behavior… only the victim’s response! Does anyone but me see how crazy that is?
I'm gonna do what I want and you can't stop me!
Think about it this way: If a preschooler brought a baseball bat to school and started beating other kids over the head, teachers would disarm the abuser in a hot New York minute. They wouldn’t waste a second telling the victims to “ignore” the abuse. They’d shut-down the bat-wielder. Then they’d bring in BatKid’s parents and work together to educate that child and help him or her become a caring and responsible member of the school community. That’s the appropriate and effective way to help the victims and the aggressive child as well.
So what’s in the way of taking the same direct, common sense preschool approach to mean-kid behavior in middle and high schools? Can someone please tell me because I’ve been working on this stuff for over 30 years and I still don’t get why the solution eludes us.
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Not sure, but it’s the same reason we tell women to defend themselves against rape and sexual abuse but neglect to tell boys and men that such behavior is unacceptable.
Comment by Rachel — September 23, 2013 @ 4:12 pm
we have to go have a number of different angles at the same time to stop bullying. Teachers, administrators, other students, parents of the ones doing the bullying, and parents of the witnesses.
This may sound like being overreactive, but you must meet this type of violence with just as much force as it is delivered to the kids who are the victims. Teachers need to step in very forcefully. The same from administrators … the same from other students. Parents need to teach their children not to stand by and watch another student suffer this abuse. Even if it means putting themselves in the place of being punished for standing up for a kid who cannot stand up for themselves.
We also must come down very hard on the bullies. How many children do we have to see take their lives because they have been victimized beyond what they can handle. All too often the bullies come from the good families and are the popular crowd. So what? You got to come down firmly. This is just as bad as a kid coming to school with a loaded gun. Just as much damage can be done with his harsh words and cruel attitudes. We have to take this on as violence. Pure and simple that is what this is.
Comment by Doug Maples — September 23, 2013 @ 9:10 pm
You are right on target. Teachers must educate the students to report incidents and take charge to deal with them immediately.
Comment by Barbara Mojica — September 24, 2013 @ 5:47 am
Hi Annie,
It’s interesting that you’ve posted this just yesterday. Growing Sound, a division of the organization that I proudly work for (Children, Inc.), just released a music video for a song with pro-social messages called “Everyone is Someone”. I was actually posting the tweet to share the video when I saw your tweet to this post.
This song and the rest of the songs on the album that houses it are messages of pro-social behavior – that is, promoting acceptance, friendship, teamwork, empathy and responsibility. A sort of social-emotional “vaccine” for behavioral problems.
The video is one of six that have been created as part of a multimedia resource kit called “Before the Bullying” that will be launched later this year. The remaining five videos will be released ahead of that, during the upcoming weeks.
There’s so much more that I want to speak to but I don’t want to overwhelm. Just know that there are people listening to these important pieces and working toward the same solution.
Comment by Tess — September 24, 2013 @ 2:07 pm
I guess it is the batkids case, it is seen and felt …..whereas in the case of the verbal abuse, you knew mostly by word of mouth and their is a subjectivity to it. If the bullying kids can accept their mistake, it would be more easy to apply the same solution as in batkids case.
Comment by Jibin Thomas — September 29, 2013 @ 5:14 pm
As an author who wants to explore this in my books (and who dealt with some issues when my kids were in middle school and was bullied myself as a child), I want to thank Annie and everyone here who made comments – thank you for your heartfelt thoughts and to Tess for the resources and for her commitment to this issue via Children, Inc. I believe “victims”–I hate that word because it implies powerlessness, though I do understand that some kids are in that position–need tools for empowerment and bullies need their behavior called out/dealt with immediatel. It has to start with brave people (children and/or adults) reporting behavior, parents being open to the possibility that their child may be a bully, and committed teachers and administrators supporting zero tolerance.
Comment by Denise Vega — October 4, 2013 @ 6:06 pm
I agree, Denise, positive change starts with “brave” people and continues to gather momentum when other brave people are inspired by what they see. You might be interested in my book Teaching Kids to Be Good People. In it I devote a whole chapter to Social Courage where I talk about this concept. Here’s the link to a free excerpt from the book> http://www.anniefox.com/books/tk_excerpt.html
Comment by Annie — October 4, 2013 @ 7:21 pm