Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Is my 12-year-old daughter old enough to have a boyfriend?

June 23, 2016

What does she think it means to have a boyfriend?

What does she think it means to have a boyfriend?

Sometimes our kids say they’re ready for the next step toward independence and we totally agree. We celebrate the milestone, brief them on the house rules, making double sure we’re all on the same page, then we let them go and hold our breath. When they stumble, we listen with compassion and as much patience as we can muster. We help them evaluate their mistakes and we hold them accountable. And they do better next time.

That’s how we all learn.

But sometimes we’re just not convinced they’re ready, no matter how fiercely they lobby us. Then what? That’s where this mom finds herself…

Dear Annie: 

Is it okay for my 12-year-old to have a boyfriend if she seems emotionally ready? She seems pretty mature when it comes to situations like this, but is she too young? – Worried Mom

Important question. Glad she asked. Here’s my response…

Dear Worried Mom:

Is this an abstract question coming from your daughter or does she already have a boyfriend and is trying to back-date the permission slip?

You ask “Is it okay?” and you sign your letter Worried Mom. That tells me you don’t think it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what I think. She’s twelve. You’re her mom. You make the rules. But it’s not always that simple, is it? Twelve-year-olds can be super persistent. Maybe your “mature” daughter has been crying and screaming at you for a year that she’s the only one not allowed to date and that she hates how you still treat her like a baby!

That’s hard to take. But don’t let her bully you into saying “yes” to anything you’re not comfortable with. On the other hand, you shouldn’t automatically say “no” without digging deeper.

Be strategic.

You say she is “emotionally ready” and “pretty mature when it comes to situations like this.” Emotionally ready for what, exactly? What “situations” are we talking about?  What does your daughter mean when she talks about having a boyfriend? What does she believe is involved in being someone’s girlfriend? What does she think this kind of relationship means to the boy? Not sure? Ask her. Maybe not the easiest question for a 12-year-old to answer, but it’s important for her to think about it and share her thoughts with you. The way she thinks about it may determine how she behaves when you’re not around.

For example, does having a boyfriend mean that she and the boy text and snap chat and hang out together at lunch but never actually see each other outside of school? Or does it mean the two of them go to movies or the mall just the two of them… (public unsupervised time)? Does it mean they go to each other’s homes and hang out in each other’s bedrooms? (private unsupervised time)?

Lots to talk about. Her responses will give you insight into how “emotionally ready” and “mature” your daughter actually is when it comes to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Annie

P.S. You might want to check out Annie’s 10 Tips for Teaching Your Daughter Relationship Smarts.

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Whose dream is it anyway?

June 9, 2016

You are unlimited

You are unlimited. Dream big.

We like to tell our kids to dream big, yet when they do we often poop all over it. Think about it. When a kid older than ten shares an outside-the-box dream, how many parents around the world have said things like: “What a crazy idea!” “How will you earn a living?!” And/or some variation of: “Over my dead body!”

Maybe we tell ourselves we’re just trying to save our kids from soul crushing disappointment. Maybe our own disappointments have made it too painful to believe in dreams. Maybe, at this point, all we believe in is a life that tramples people with stars in their eyes.

Recently I spoke with a woman whose parents so regularly invalidated her goals she saw them as “dream stealers.” At age thirteen she stopped talking to them about anything she wanted to accomplish in life. That conversation got me thinking about generations who’ve had dreams stolen by well-meaning parents and teachers believing these children needed a strong dose of reality.

Let’s talk about reality for a sec. Parents must educate their kids when it comes to the realities of fire, traffic, sharp objects, and overdue library books. But a kid pursuing a dream? On the road to wherever, life will provide plenty of reality without our help.

Our job is to open doors and windows for our children so they can open their minds. Our job is to expose them to limitless possibilities so they’ll fashion a vision of their own future. No one can foretell where or how far a child may go. Don’t even try. Relax. Celebrate your children’s dreams. They may get you dreaming again.

 

Filed under: Parenting — Annie @ 4:30 pm
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