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It’s not my problem

July 12, 2009

When we say “That’s not my problem” what we usually mean is some variation of:

a) “Tough luck, buddy.”

b) “Couldn’t care less.”

c) “Better you than me!”

d) “Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?”

Pretty heartless stuff. And because callousness isn’t part of the standard definition of “good parent” many of us believe that when it comes to our children… tu problema es mi problema. Isn’t that our biological imperative? To solve all of their problems so that their lives hum along without a hiccup? To guarantee through our tireless efforts that our offspring live a joyful existence 24/7 and are constantly bathed in the sunlight of public acceptance and approval?

Put it that way and it sounds like a twisted crock, doesn’t it? Our obsession with perfecting our kids’ imperfections and rushing in whenever we hear the faintest sigh of frustration is no measure of parental love or responsibility. The more we indulge in making their struggles our own the more we blur the line between love and control. That’s the best way I know to prevent them from developing self-confidence and self-sufficiency (AKA the primary parenting objective).

I’ve got a massive marshmallow for a heart. So I know from almost 30 years of personal experience that no parent enjoys seeing their kid (of any age) struggling academically, physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically, financially. But the truth is, allowing kids, tweens and teens to deal with age-appropriate “problems” provides them the satisfaction of working things out for themselves this time. Better still it gives them the real confidence of knowing that in the future when something like this comes up again (and it will) they’ve got what it takes to deal with it. Parents who provide their kids with those kinds of learning experiences aren’t good parents… they’re great parents.

So, repeat after me: Her crooked tooth is not my problem. His complexion is not my problem. Nor is her shyness. Nor is his height. Nor is their level of popularity amongst their classmates or the way their so-called friends treat them. The fact that he doesn’t have the money to go with his friends to the new Harry Potter movie on opening day (because he spent it all on a new game last week) is not my problem. The fact that he’s annoyed because I won’t give him more money this month is not my problem. The fact that his friends are teasing him about not going is not my problem. The fact that he’s not talking to me and is barricaded in his room is not my problem.

See… when you get into this, it becomes so much easier to see what isn’t your problem without losing one bit of love, affection or respect for your kids.

We all have so much on our plates these days. Wouldn’t it feel great to lighten our loads? You can start by giving yourself a break from trying to make your child and his/her life experience perfect. Of course, if you’d rather not, that’s cool. It’s not my problem.

Filed under: Parenting,Pop Culture,Tips — Annie @ 5:22 pm

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Days 12-16: Now I get it

June 24, 2009

V is for victory

OK, folks, I’m officially ending the Annoyance Challenge. Tell you the truth there were aspects of this assignment that really bugged me. I know, I brought it on myself. But still, it’s a pain to have to blog every day, not that I did it every single day, as evidenced in the title of today’s post. But even so, it was annoying not to blog every day knowing that I really should. All that left me battling against my own commitment which resulted in guilt for not keeping my word to thousands of readers.

Which brings me to another aspect of this project… I have no idea if anyone was following any of this. It’s one thing to knock yourself out daily, looking for annoying situations and people, just so you can deconstruct and write about your feelings for the self-improvement of all. But to do it for an empty house!

“Really,” I say to myself, “What’s the point of that?”

“The point, Annie,” I reply with as much patience and compassion as I can muster, “Is that you wanted (and needed) to learn more about your own response to annoyance.”

Annie: “Why did I need two weeks of lessons on that? I don’t even get annoyed all that often.”

Annie: “Yeah, right.”

Of course I was right and I finally admitted it, but not until I got rather annoyed with myself for being so… well, you know.

Anyway, here’s what I learned from this challenge. (Cue the Big Take Away drum roll, please)

I feel annoyed with others when I’ve got some unexpressed emotion right below the surface. The hidden emotion is usually anger, hurt, or fear. Funny thing… while the annoyance seems to be very directed at whomever is in my vicinity… the more authentic emotion that’s being covered up may have nothing to do with anyone else.

Case in point, the other day in the kitchen David was emptying the dishwasher and I was snapping in response to his random questions about what we should make for breakfast. Because he’s been on the Challenge with me (Did he really have a choice?) it didn’t take him long to point out my mood.

David: Hon, you seem annoyed. What’s going on?

In the past, I would have resented the insinuation and possibly swatted at him with a spatula. But in the past 16 days I’ve learned that when someone cares enough about you to point out the undeniable fact that you’re being a bitch, it makes good sense to pause, peek inside, and examine what’s what.

I took a deep breath, had a look and discovered that underneath the cheap plastic veneer of annoyance lay a rich layer of frustration and anger … not directed at David, but at myself. So I told him.

“I’m really frustrated that Chapter 5 (of the book I’m writing)… the one on annoyance, is taking me so damn long to figure out. And I’m angry with myself for the amount of procrastinating I’ve done for the past 2 weeks… including the Annoyance Challenge… when I should have been working on the book!”

David looked at me and nodded sagely. He’s got that sage nod down to an art form. Then he handed me a bunch of clean silverware. “Here.”

I grinned at him and started sorting spoons. A place for everything and everything in its place… again.

Filed under: Annoyance Challenge,Parenting,Teens,Tips,Yoga — Annie @ 9:51 am

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Day 2: We’re all in the blender

June 9, 2009

Cream of Fresh Pea Soup (2/3 blended)

My sister-in-law Randee sent me an email pointing out the fact that yesterday’s announcement of the Annoyance Challenge needed some editing. From her perspective I was creating a Meet-up for Grouches Anonymous. (Paraphrasing alert!) And that would leave out the 90% of us who are generally happy and don’t jump on the impulse to shout down the person at the next table whose broadcast of David Carradine’s uh… mishap, makes a god-awful pairing with your baigan bharta.

Rereading my post I could see where she was coming from. So I asked her to suggest a revision. She came back with something that described the phenonmenon of “hooking into” the “little annoyances” of life. “It’s like taking another route at a fork in the road. Turn the wheel and it’s behind me. Like magic! Other times I am hooked before I know it and immersed in it.”

Thanks, Rand. That fork-in-the-road metaphor nails it for me. When I’m at the fork and I’m nodding off at the wheel, high probability I’ll go this way — up the onramp to the Why Does This Sh$$% Always Happen To Me? Freeway. But on those rare occasions when I’m awake enough to pay attention to what’s going on I’m much more likely to turn that way, and end up grinning and parked in front of DQ. Sorry, I just returned from a road trip so the driving metaphors are strong in this one.

My objective in doing this 30 Day Annoyance Challenge is to to be more awake at the fork in the road. And if you’re reading this, maybe you’d like more of that in your life, too. The way I see it, any life practice that leads to more frozen treats sounds good to me.

But I’m also a little worried about whether I can actually do this because of that old “Watch what you wish for…” thing. I mean, here I am, wanting to examine, at close hand, the mental processes that get triggered when you’re at the fork and blogging about it every day. And in order to do that, I’ve got to take it from the realm of purely intellectual discussion into the belly of the dyspeptic beast that is Life. I’m picturing the Universe, one of my earliest subscribers, slyly arching her brow, stroking her chin and muttering “So, Annie, you want some real annoyances, you say? Oooookay. I can do that.”

So far, here’s the only thing that happened yesterday that was mildly annoying: I was pureeing the third and final batch of tender garden peas (slightly steamed) with turkey broth (frozen from April and microwaved) for this wonderfully simple yet delicious Cream of Fresh Pea Soup recipe from The Enchanted Broccoli Forest when the blender started oozing hot pea puree all over the base and counter. What to do? What to do? First I panicked. But the ooze could care less, so, in a race with gravity, I went to Plan B… unplug blender, lift the whole thing (base and all) and pour contents back into the pot.

Could have been a major annoyance. Wasn’t.

I’m guessing the Universe is going to kick it up a notch.

See you tomorrow.

Filed under: Annoyance Challenge,Parenting,Teens,Tips — Tags: Annoyance, Annoying — Annie @ 2:34 pm

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Day 1: That’s sooooo annoying

June 8, 2009

Annoyance

Sure it’s Monday, but I had a good weekend and plenty of sleep. The shower was hot. My hair isn’t any more sticky-uppy than usual. And after 30 minutes of yoga, and a couple of buttermilk pancakes I’m feeling pretty mellow. But since this is Day 1 of my Annoyance Challenge I’m going to have to get with the program… fast! Not a problem. Even though I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t get annoyed all that often. (How annoying is that?) I can always recycle some not-yet-expired annoyance or concoct a fresh batch out of nothing. And maybe that’s the point. All of us have the capacity to build on a present time or cherished inconvenience (frustration, rudeness, snub, etc.) and buff it to a brilliant gloss until we’re totally pissed at the whole freakin’ world.

Annoyance is like hunger… except backwards. When I’m really hungry I snag some Trader Joe’s dark chocolate. (Don’t tell David. He thinks we have mice.) That takes the edge off. Hunger + food = less hunger. But even when I’m mildly irritated, I can instantly rev up my grumpiness tenfold by mentally, verbally and/or physically attacking the cause of my annoyance. That squirrel on the bird feeder. My split thumbnail. The client whose check is still not in my mailbox!? Annoyance + mental garbage = more annoyance.

I’m nothing special. We can all work this little miracle of insanity. The question is why would anyone choose to feel more annoyed when it’s sooo annoying? Not sure about that yet, but I’m on a 30 day quest to discover as much as I can about my love-hate relationship with annoyance. And in the process, I’m also hoping I can locate the fine tuning dial at Annoyance HQ. Then I’ll be The Decider when it comes to dialing it up or down.

It’s all about self-control and my personal mission to help teens get along better with their friends and families. The Annoyance Challenge is also about world peace. Seriously! Obama goes to Cairo and tells a zillion people that those “others” who have always annoyed the crap out of you may actually share some of your core values. So instead of jumping down their throats or slitting them, how about working together and maybe we can all get some of what we want… peace, security, respect, and justice for us and our families?

Sounds like a plan to me.

See you tomorrow. When I’ll begin taking an unbiased look at the stuff that usually drives me nuts. If you want to share your own annoyance triggers, that’s what the comment button’s for.

Filed under: Announcements,Annoyance Challenge,Parenting,Teens,Tips — Tags: Annoyance, Annoying, Cairo, Obama, World peace — Annie @ 2:54 pm

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