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June 21, 2013
 Why? Cause I like it. Last time we were talking about kids’ transitions and graduating toward independence, something we parents should celebrate. But here’s a mom who wishes her daughter weren’t quite so independent. Can you relate?
Dear Annie,
Most parents don’t want their kids going along with the crowd, but I wish my daughter would! She dresses like a boy, only wearing boys’ shorts and shirts. It is beyond being a tomboy. She won’t ever put her hair up like the rest of the girls, even though the coach tells her to. Why is she doing this? Does she want to stand out? Or is she fighting the establishment? I want her to be herself, but she’s way overboard and has no friends because she is so different. I’ve told her all of this, but she won’t listen. Should I just let her learn the hard way?
Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom,
I’m sure you love your daughter and your advice is well-meaning, but I’m not sure how can anyone go “overboard” in being themselves. That’s like telling her, “Hold on! You are too much of who you are.”
You say want your daughter to, “be herself,” but do you really? Dressing this way is her way of being herself! While her fashion sense might make you uncomfortable at times, you need to deal with it on your own and try to keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise, your daughter will feel the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s damaging to her. Please remember that you are her most influential teacher. Giving her positive reinforcement will go a long way in helping her build self-esteem and resilience.
As to “why” she chooses to dress this way, there could be a number of reasons, but don’t assume she is looking for attention or purposely “fighting” anyone. Your daughter is her own wonderful, unique self. It’s not the child’s job to fulfill the parent’s expectations of who she is “supposed” to be. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs your unconditional love and support during her transition into young adulthood and throughout her journey, wherever it may lead. Please try to understand her better. You and she will both benefit tremendously from that.
June 17, 2013
 End of one chapter, start of the next I’m wired to cry. So naturally I sobbed hysterically after dropping my 18-month-old daughter at preschool. (Hey, I got better by the second week!) And I bawled as I dropped her off at college. And when her little brother left for college six years later, the waterworks gushed again. Kids beginning a new chapter in life can do that to parents. It can also make us feel incredibly proud, especially if they (and we) worked hard to reach that point.
As graduation parties wind down and you begin thinking about the next round of challenges coming up in the fall, here are some tips to help you through this transition:
- Let them have their summer: Kids need to relax and so do we. Yes things must get done before the new term, but unless your child won’t calm down until all school supplies and clothes are purchased, then save it for August and let them enjoy a balance of structured and unstructured time.
- Step back so they can step up: From September to May kids use the “I’ve got homework” excuse to avoid lending a hand around the house. Tell them that pass has expired. Besides, summer is a great time to help kids to develop responsibility. They’ll need it because each new grade level requires kids to take more responsibility for their education. They’ll only meet upcoming challenges when we require more of them as members of Team Family. Be specific with your summer expectations and hold the kids accountable. NOTE: Do not load them down with home and garden projects all day every day. Remember, it’s summer! (See tip #1)
- Create new goals for yourself: Our kids are moving toward independence – just as Nature intended. We’re moving in that direction too and eventually we’ll work our way out of this full-time parenting gig. That’s part of your job description. (Check the fine print on your kid’s birth certificate.) Even if your child is just starting first grade in the fall, the clock is running down on the “under the same roof” phase of parenting. Summer is a great time to remember that before you were a parent you were a person with unique interests and talents. What would you do with at least one extra hour a week just for yourself? Set a goal for yourself this summer and get started. Let your kids in on the goal and on your progress, too. (That’s great modeling!) If you chose well, working on your goal will sustain you on many levels when your child (eventually) leaves the nest.
Now go have some summer fun and pass me a tissue on the way out.
June 5, 2013
 Dad, I'm gonna check this out. See you later. Not to get all Zen, but the future takes care of itself. Tomorrow will dawn without our help. Of course, sometimes we benefit from planning before we get there. Then it’s smart to prep. Stupid not to. But it’s also possible to jump the gun and set ourselves up for unnecessary worry because there is no there yet. And what are you going to prep for if you don’t know where you’re going? That’s what’s happening with this dad who is tying himself in knots about a “career path” for his fifteen year old:
Dear Annie,
My son just started 10th grade and has excellent grades. He’s very responsible and has a great attitude. When I was his age I got no career advice and even after I finished my education I didn’t get proper guidance. I’ve told him this, but he’s not interested in talking about careers. My wife never worked in her field of study because she didn’t enjoy it. She often says, “I wish someone would have told me about other career choices.” It causes me stress to think that my son might say that some day. I want him to choose wisely about a career path. What resources can you recommend?
Stressed Dad
Dear Dad,
Your son is fifteen. He’s a great student and a good kid. You’ve done a terrific job as his dad. Congratulations! Now I’m going to give you some advice you’re probably not expecting: Lighten up! Your son isn’t ready for career advice. His disinterest tells you that. If he’s like most students, he’ll enter college not yet knowing what interests him. For this reason colleges don’t require students to declare a major until the end of sophomore year or beginning of junior year. Your son has five more years of exploring and maturing. He needs it.
I understand that you regret not having had “proper” guidance at age 15, but your son is not you. Please try to relax. If you continue to make this an issue you will drive a wedge between you and your son. A year from now his school’s counseling staff will begin talking about SATs, college visits, applications, etc. Unless your son takes the initiative before then and starts showing interest in programs offered at different colleges there’s no need to give him career advice now. Let him be a 15 year old.
You love your son and you want the best possible future for him. Sometimes the best way to parent is to step back a bit. Whenever you notice your stress levels rising it’s time to breathe. Slow deep breaths will relax your mind and tamp down the urge to push the boy. Remind yourself, “My son is an intelligent, level-headed young man. He will find his path in life. If he asks for guidance I will share my experience and do my best to help him discover what he most finds fulfillment in doing.”
OK? Good dad. Happy Father’s Day.
May 28, 2013
 Reliable+Strong+Gentle=Dad
Any dude can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad. Dads are all in, heart and mind, for the long haul, encouraging their kids to become self-reliant young adults. Dads also teach by example that everyone (including children) deserves respect. When we see people treated unfairly it’s not enough to feel uncomfortable. Dads help their sons and daughters develop the social courage it takes to make things better.
OK. Enough of the high-level stuff. Let’s talk in-the-trenches, day-to-day. How does Dad do his best for his kids, especially when they are teens? Check out these tips. Make them part of your daily routine and you’re on your way:
- Be a safe person to talk to. When your child wants to discuss tongue piercing, a solo cross-country trip, or dropping out of school to pursue hip-hop, stay calm. Take a deep breath. Take ten of them. Fyi, no one’s asking you to approve of every one of your kid’s crazy ideas. But kids need you to listen with respect. And if they ask for advice (don’t give it if they don’t ask), be a consultant and offer your wisest counsel. But do not freak out. Otherwise, they won’t seek your input; they’ll just go behind your back and do whatever they damn please. Which they may do anyway, but at least your voice will be in their head and yes, that can be a powerful antidote to stupidity.
- Catch them in the act of doing something right. Some fathers believe you teach responsibility by berating kids when they mess up. That’s actually backwards and Dad knows it. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. No quibble there. But your kid is more likely to do the right thing consistently when you notice. You don’t need to throw a pizza party or give out gold stickers. Just say something simple like: “It was nice of you to help your brother with his homework.” End of celebration. Simply praise the behavior you want to see more of. It works with kids. Spouses, too.
- Show your squishy side. There are plenty of fathers who act all mucho macho. But Dad isn’t afraid to express “softer” emotions in front of his kids. He’s also equally at ease when his girls and his boys are upset. When you show your family it’s more than OK to cry, to be afraid, to be compassionate, you teach your sons what it means to be a real (hu)man. And you raise the bar for the kind of partner your daughter will want.
Dads, your love, support and encouragement are essential to your children’s health and well being, so keep up the good work. And Happy Dad’s Day. Enjoy the attention. You deserve it.
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