Parenting Expert | Annie Fox | Family Advice Blog

“Quit kvetching!” Tips for getting teens to stop complaining

January 23, 2013

I originally wrote a version of this article for TakePart.com where I contribute a weekly education post. Check out the rest of my articles there.

... because it's not helping

Do you know the Yiddish verb, to kvetch? On the surface it simply means: to complain. As in, “Just get your homework done and stop kvetching already.” But actually, kvetching goes beyond complaining into the realm of eternal dissatisfaction where nothing is ever good enough and it becomes one’s mission in life to let everyone know exactly where and why things don’t measure up.

No one is a happy camper all the time. It’s not realistic to expect to be and it’s certainly not a requirement. And yet we keep on expecting it, don’t we? Especially those of us fortunate enough to live pretty well. When reality doesn’t meet our impossible standards we may not be able to keep our mouth shut. Of course, speaking up can be the first step toward positive change. It can also help build self-respect and healthier relationships. Which is why, when a teen bitterly complains to me about a friend who isn’t acting like one, I counsel the teen to go on record and tell the friend, “This isn’t OK and here’s why.”

What’s the alternative? Staying silent? That’s not likely to improve a relationship. So, yes, sometimes we need to complain.

But what do you do if your child constantly complains?

“That’s stupid!”
“This isn’t what I wanted!”
“You can’t make me!”
“That’s unfair!”
“This sucks!”

What if your child’s negative attitude permeates everything?

I realize that finding fault may be an essential part of becoming a young adult. Unlike little kids who try to emulate their godlike parents, t(w)eens have begun the hard work of establishing their own unique identity, as different from us parents as imaginable. Teen negativity is often a display of independence, plain and simple. This may help us understand where it’s coming from, even though it doesn’t make the attitude any more fun to be around.

If your kid has gotten into the habit of grousing s/he may outgrow it. (We can always hope!) But hope isn’t an especially effective parenting strategy and a negative attitude can pollute your family life. Rather than lashing out in frustration or suffering silently, I suggest a direct intervention that will, at the very least, give your child insight into what it’s like to live with constant griping. I tackle the issue in my book Teaching Kids to Be Good People. This brief synopsis offers some tips on how to start turning around a negative attitude:

Conversation That Counts

Some complaints are helpful; some aren’t. Discuss with your child the concept of complaining. Point out that some complaints are helpful. (“The roof is leaking on my head.” “We’re out of toothpaste again.”) These can become action points. Other types of complaints aren’t intended to be helpful. They’re simply a chance to vent or to blame. (“This assignment is boring!” “Why did I get her for a sister?” “You kids never do anything right!”)

Reverse role-play. Tell your child that you’re going to “act out” one (unhelpful) complaint that you regularly hear from him/her. Be realistic in your dramatization, but not unkind. Remember you’re trying to teach, not wound. Now ask your child to act out an unhelpful complaint s/he regularly hears from you. (Yes, this lesson is a two-way street.)

How bad is the habit we’ve gotten into? Discuss the regular grumbling and whining amongst family members that aren’t meant to be helpful. What impact does it have? What might family life be different if there were less complaining?

Make a change. Challenge each family member to catch him/herself (not anyone else) in the act of complaining and try one of these responses instead:

a) Communicate directly about what needs to be done.

b) Skip the complaint and do some or all of what needs to be done (on your own).

c) Change what you can change and change your attitude about the rest.

Call another family meeting in a week to report on the progress everyone has made in creating a more cooperative atmosphere. We’re into a new year. How about working together to keep moving in a positive direction? It’s worth a try.

Filed under: Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Tips — Tags: bad attitude, family dynamics, family meetings, kvetching, Parenting Advice, Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Annie @ 5:59 pm

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National Day of Service is a day ON, not a day OFF

January 15, 2013

Helping Others? Game ON!

We all say we want to live in a community where people care about their neighbors – not only when we’re in desperate need, but every day. Because the every day stuff is what makes up your life and mine, and that couple across the street. (What’s their name?)

There are countless ways to show we care and most of them are ridiculously simple. Like noticing that kid nervously waiting on the curb when you come to a stop. What does it take to make eye contact with him, smile, and let him know he can “Go ahead” and cross safely in front of your car? Not a whole lot. It also doesn’t take much to notice that those people seem to be looking for something on the ground. You could easily get up and ask if they’ve lost something and could they use another pair of eyes in their search. It takes a little time. A little effort. When people do stuff like that it says that ours is a caring community. When they don’t or we don’t, it says something else.

I’ve just started reading Peter Lovenheim’s In The Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time. I’m only on page 70, but I already recommend it, in case you want to check it out. You might also want to check out what’s going on in your community on Monday. No sleepovers are required, but stuff is happening, I guarantee it.

Monday, January 21st, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and since 1994, when Congress had a great idea and actually acted on it, MLK Day has been a National Day of Service. So if you and your family have time off on Monday and you’re interested in moving beyond shaking your head to doing something to make your community a more caring place, go to MLK.gov and Find a Project.

I just did that by typing in my zip code. Within a 25 mile radius I found dozens of community volunteer opportunities for this Monday. A beach clean up project. A neighborhood park needing help with invasive plant removal. This one, from the Human Rights Commission, caught my eye: We will need volunteers to assemble care bags for LGBT homeless youth. Helping kids? Yes! I can do that! Sign me up!

What can you do? Find out what’s needed and where. It’s all good. It all helps. Start here.

NOTE: In January, 2009, David and I were in DC for Obama’s Inauguration. That year, on MLK Day we helped out with an amazing book project to benefit DC public schools. So gratifying to be of service!

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting — Tags: Human RIghts Commission, In the Neighborhood, Martin Luther King Jr., MLK, National Day of Service, Peter Lovenheim, Service Learning — Annie @ 3:18 pm

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A new book begins

January 6, 2013

Many paths lead outward

I’m beginning my work on a new book (not sure yet if it will be adult fiction or non-fiction). The theme: an exploration of how some people manage to respond to debilitating loss in exemplary ways. Because, throughout life, we are subject to many losses, how can we use the experience in a positive way? We may lose:

a parent or other precious family member
an opportunity
our peace of mind
our sense of community
something into which we have put tremendous physical/creative effort
the love of our life
our best friend
our job
a physical or mental ability (due to illness or injury)
our home
our reputation
our fortune
our confidence
our way
??

What happens after we suffer a major loss? Some people feel the pain so intensely they carry a permanent wound that limits them in the way widowhood limited my mother. For decades her suffering prevented her from fully reconnecting with the joy and creative force of life. Maybe you know someone like that. It is sad. I do not believe it is necessary.

When we experience a loss it is normal and healthy to grieve. It is also normal and healthy to heal. But how do we begin that process? That’s what this book is going to be about. We each have within us a breakable heart and spirt. We also have within us, the resilience needed to rebound and rebuild. If we can find ways to move beyond our suffering, loss can be fertile ground for positive transformation. We can become stronger in every sense of the word. We can develop greater compassion. We can forge the tools and the will to help others who are suffering from losses of their own.

The journey from loss to a new level of wholeness can be extremely challenging. Subsequent (lesser) losses may set us back. Which is why many of us do not fully recover from a major loss. But there are many people among us who’ve successfully made that transition. Gabby Gifford, Tammy Duckworth, are two women who immediately come to mind. There are many others who’ve achieved national and international recognition for their courage in the face of loss. There are also people in every community who have found their own path that has taken them beyond their losses to a new level of peace of mind and purpose. This book will explore some of the many ways people have transformed their lives after loss and how each of us can use the example of their lives to transform our own.

I would be very honored to hear from anyone who has successfully managed to transition out of a major loss (or from anyone who is currently in the process of doing so). If you know someone whose journey from loss has inspired you, I’d love to hear about it.

Please post your comments and we can learn together. I’m sure my exploration of this topic and the book that grows from it will benefit greatly from your input.

Thank you.

In friendship,
Annie

Filed under: Annie's Books — Tags: Gabby Gifford, Grief, Inspiration, Loss, Tammuy Duckworth — Annie @ 8:28 pm

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Calling a truce in the Homework Wars

December 31, 2012

I originally wrote this article for TakePart.com where I write a weekly education post. Check out the rest of my articles there.

Homework doesn't make kids smarter, it mostly just keeps them busy and stresses them out

The long holiday break is almost over. I hope you and your kids made the most of the delights of the season. And that includes time to relax together as a family, kids and parents, savoring the freedom from school assignments. Yes, I’m an educator, but I am no fan of homework. Especially not obligatory daily assignments that drill students on information and skills they’ve already mastered. Practice makes perfect. But over-practice makes for soul-crushing boredom and it turns kids off of education.

From my way of thinking, homework, if given at all, ought to be assigned sparingly. After all, kids have had a long day in class. They’re not machines. They need a break. And, yes, they need to play. Coming home from school every day to face a mountain of homework is dispiriting.

If a teacher assigns homework, students and parents ought to be confident that there’s a very good reason for the assignment, and a high likelihood that it will yield tangible benefits for the student. What kind of assignments are those? The ones that include:

a creative challenge
the opportunity to reinforce a new concept presented during class
practice using the concept for problem-solving

The result? S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G the student’s mind and transforming a new idea into an Ah-ha! learning experience. When homework offers these opportunities kids respond eagerly because, as learners, they win. This makes them eager to learn more. (And if that isn’t the ultimate goal of education, I don’t know what is.)

The alphabet coloring homework sheets my son received for 26 weeks during his kindergarten year were busy work. There was no mind stretching during those coloring sessions. Though, as I recall, there was some healthy resistance and a pointed challenge: “Mom, why do I have to do this?”

Why indeed? Teachers aren’t sadists. They must believe homework benefits their students. But is that really the case? According to Alfie Kohn, educator, educational critic, and author of The Homework Myth, “…there is no evidence that… kids who have better grades and test scores have them because they’ve had to do more academic assignments after a full day in school. (Also) there isn’t a shred of evidence to demonstrate that homework has any nonacademic advantages, such as teaching self-discipline and responsibility or teaching kids good work habits.”

And yet the homework continues piling up and the stress it causes in kids, and in families, is heartbreaking. If it feels like your child is spending inordinate amounts of time on homework, here are some steps you might take:

1. Find out what your district’s homework policy is. The student handbook usually includes guidelines that describe how many minutes of homework per evening per grade level. Compare the guidelines to reality.

2. Talk with other parents whose kids have the same teacher as your child. Sometimes the issue is “too much homework.” When that’s the case, parents have the right and responsibility to talk with teachers and let them know the impact all those assignments are having at home.

3. Talk with your child’s teacher. Sometimes, the issue isn’t the amount of homework. Sometimes it’s your child’s ability to complete the assignment in a timely fashion. Ask your child’s teacher, “How much time did you expect that assignment to take?” If what you hear is: “10-15 minutes” and your child spent 45+ minutes, then you and the teacher may have a new topic of conversation. For example: “How can we work together to help this student (my child) be more successful and efficient in his/her work? Is an evaluation for learning differences an option we should consider?”

4. Down with busy work! If teachers are assigning homework that clearly falls into the Busy Work category, speak up to the teacher (calmly and respectfully, of course), to other parents, and at PTA meetings.

A child’s mind is a terrible thing to waste. So is a child’s time to relax, dream, and be a kid without the ever-present dark cloud of “homework” hanging over their heads.

Here’s wishing you and your family all the best in 2013, More laughter. More opportunities to help others. More creative inspiration. And less homework.

Filed under: Education,Holidays,Parenting — Tags: Alfie Kohn, education, family life, Homework, The Homework Myth — Annie @ 10:52 am

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