bullying | Annie Fox's Blog

Day 1: Kindness and Respect Challenge, The Bullying Cure?

October 1, 2013

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Not sure what we’re expected to work on for the rest of the year, but I’m up for treating people better, at least through Halloween.

Unlike highly successful education campaigns of the past: Don’t Be a Litter Bug and Buckle Up for Safety because Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires, if you go by surveys, our 10+ year war on bullying hasn’t yet reached the tipping point.

There’s no one solution to verbal abuse and the rest of the social garbage that has become the norm for our kids, online and off. Something’s gotta give and each of us has the power to make things better. I never took physics, but I know that everyday nastiness and social aggression adds to the garbage. So it stands to reason that more kindness and respect will move the needle in the other direction.

That’s why, starting today, to honor the good intentions of National Bullying Prevention Month, I’m beginning my own month-long Kindness and Respect Challenge (aka #KindRespect).

Kindness and Respect Challenge

Here’s the idea: between now and October 31st, I will actively look for opportunities to be kind and respectful to others. I realize it’s going to take serious anger management and mouth control on my part. I also understand I’m inviting the the Universe to throw a whole lot of “tests” my way, but I’m in and I’ll be reporting my experiences right here every day.

Who’s in with me?

In friendship,

Annie

PS Encourage your kids to join the Kindness and Respect Challenge along with you (and the whole family). Create a #KindRespect chart (could be on the fridge or posted on a wall) in which each one of you who RECEIVES an act of kindness and/or a show of respect from another family writes it down. For example, John might write on the chart, “Trevor helped me with my homework.” Way to go, Trevor! Or Trevor might write, “Mom, made me a snack.” Yay, Mom! At the end of the week, acknowledge the cumulative effects of more kindness and respect in the family. Change happens when we change how we treat each other.

Check out Day 2

Filed under: Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Teens — Tags: bullying, education, Kindness and Respect Challenge, National Bullying Prevention Month — Annie @ 9:33 am

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If it works in preschool…

September 23, 2013

A friend just informed me that her 14-year-old granddaughter, Samantha, was approached by a few classmates on the first day of school and told, “Everyone hates you, Samantha. You know that, don’t you?”

Apparently Sami was clueless, so the news understandably did her in for the rest of the day. She wasn’t too keen on going to school the next morning, either.

We know kids are kids and they often need our help. So what’s our usual helpful advice in these situations?

A) Ignore those mean girls.

B) Pretend it doesn’t bother you.

C) Give them a taste of their own bitchiness right back at them.

D) Diffuse the tension with humor.

E) If the harassment gets really bad, switch schools.

F) None of the above.

F is the answer, even though most well-meaning adults believe the remedy to bullying is in the hand’s of the victim. (See A-E) Apparently we’re not trying to change the abuser’s behavior… only the victim’s response! Does anyone but me see how crazy that is?

I'm gonna do what I want and you can't stop me!

Think about it this way: If a preschooler brought a baseball bat to school and started beating other kids over the head, teachers would disarm the abuser in a hot New York minute. They wouldn’t waste a second telling the victims to “ignore” the abuse. They’d shut-down the bat-wielder. Then they’d bring in BatKid’s parents and work together to educate that child and help him or her become a caring and responsible member of the school community. That’s the appropriate and effective way to help the victims and the aggressive child as well.

So what’s in the way of taking the same direct, common sense preschool approach to mean-kid behavior in middle and high schools? Can someone please tell me because I’ve been working on this stuff for over 30 years and I still don’t get why the solution eludes us.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People — Tags: bullying, high school life, middle school life, peer abuse, school bullying, Teens — Annie @ 3:52 pm

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Urgent message to tweens and teens: Do something to stop the hate

September 5, 2013

Let me tell you something, kids. It’s easier to think about bullying as something “out there” that someone else is doing. It’s easier to think of yourself as a nice girl or a good guy. That kind of thinking may be easy, comforting even, but it’s wrong. The urge to shut someone up or down, to make them sorry for what they’ve done, is in every one of us. Not an inspiring thought. Nothing to be proud of. But it’s true.

She'll be sorry...

When you’re jealous because someone you love loves someone else more, or you’re embarrassed because someone called you out in front of everyone… you feel so angry you want to do whatever it takes to bring down the people who hurt you. So you attack them with a fierce hate that you hope will draw blood. And if you make your victim cry, scare him or her so badly they’re afraid to ride the bus or step inside the lunchroom, you might feel powerful… for a moment. But that’s not who you are. And it’s not even close to where your true power lies.

We wish there was no bullying in school. Nice thought. And how do you think that’s going to happen? Hint: It’s got nothing to do with changing other people.

Filed under: Parenting,Teaching Kids To Be Good People,Teens — Tags: back to school, bullying — Annie @ 10:47 pm

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Urgent anti-bully message to educators: Do more to stop it

August 19, 2013

They say schools are no longer in the business of teaching good citizenship, character, ethics or whatever you want to call it because educators are too busy “teaching to the test.” There’s no test for character that can be graded to give districts bragging rights for getting their scores up, so why teach this stuff? Because there actually is a test for character. It’s called Life and we ought to be teaching to it. When we don’t, we get this…

Hey Terra,

People at school don’t like me because me and this popular girl got into a little fight and I won. To get even she spread rumours about me saying I was in a mental institution for weird and violent behavior (a complete lie). Then everyone started to insult and ignore me. She does it the most. They say stuff like “Hey freak! No one likes you, so why dont you take a long walk off a short bridge?” Everyday. I don’t get a break from it. I insult them back. I know I probably shouldn’t bother, but it’s really hard not to. It’s like automatic for me now. I don’ t like being told to basically die. It’s not right for anyone to be told that.

So Fed Up

See it. Name it. Stop it.

Dear Fed Up,

These kids are being rude and cruel. I know it’s hard to hear this crap and try to brush it off. I’ve heard it said that no one can bring you down without your permission. That’s kinda true and kinda not. Humans are wired to be emotional. We’re also wired to want other people to like us. So when someone shouts angry words in your face or online, your human wiring kicks in. Your heart beats faster (and not in a good way) and you feel attacked. Even if the person isn’t someone you know or care about. Even if what he or she says is a lie. Words hurt. We feel it. So I totally understand the temptation to attack back. Except… it doesn’t help. You’ve seen that. It just makes things worse. Like throwing gasoline on a fire. That won’t put it out.

But you need to learn to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean yelling nasty stuff back at people who are mean to you. You need to take care of yourself by figuring out how to response so that

a) you don’t give anyone permission to push your buttons so you automatically react like a puppet and
b) at least one adult at school and/or at home steps in and gets to the bottom of this so that this girl and her followers no longer feel they’ve got the right to talk to you or anyone in this way.

I just took my fingers off the keyboard for a minute. I’m taking a deep breath now, because hearing about this stuff every day really upsets me. I feel frustrated there are kids who believe it’s OK to be mean to other kids. I also feel frustrated that the adults who run schools (principals, counselors, teachers, coaches) have not done a better job making school a safer more accepting place for all students all the time.

Still breathing. It helps. Take some deep breaths on your own whenever you need to calm down. Then think about what would really make this situation better. Forget about trying to talk to the girl. Go to adults in power. Talk to your parents. Tell them what you told me. Tell them just how Fed Up you are. Talk to the principal (with or without your parents). Talk to the school counselor. This has to stop. Adults can make it stop. Remind them it’s their job.

Take care.
In friendship,
Terra

————–

I’m so sick of the situations that prompt these emails. Where are the adults in charge? Do they really not know what’s going on? Do they believe it’s not part of their “job” to get involved with fights between students? Do they worry they’ll get no support from their administrators if they step in? Do they worry they’ll get in trouble with parents for calling out kids who are disrepecting other kids? Or have they just given up, believing that peer harassment is a problem bigger than any remedy they might offer in the moment?

I don’t know what school administrators and teachers think about the bullying that persists in their schools. Why don’t you tell me? I’m listening.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Education,Parenting,Social Justice — Tags: back to school, bullying, Bullying prevention, character education — Annie @ 2:22 pm

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