A friend just informed me that her 14-year-old granddaughter, Samantha, was approached by a few classmates on the first day of school and told, “Everyone hates you, Samantha. You know that, don’t you?”

Apparently Sami was clueless, so the news understandably did her in for the rest of the day. She wasn’t too keen on going to school the next morning, either.

We know kids are kids and they often need our help. So what’s our usual helpful advice in these situations?

A) Ignore those mean girls.

B) Pretend it doesn’t bother you.

C) Give them a taste of their own bitchiness right back at them.

D) Diffuse the tension with humor.

E) If the harassment gets really bad, switch schools.

F) None of the above.

F is the answer, even though most well-meaning adults believe the remedy to bullying is in the hand’s of the victim. (See A-E) Apparently we’re not trying to change the abuser’s behavior… only the victim’s response! Does anyone but me see how crazy that is?

I'm gonna do what I want and you can't stop me!

Think about it this way: If a preschooler brought a baseball bat to school and started beating other kids over the head, teachers would disarm the abuser in a hot New York minute. They wouldn’t waste a second telling the victims to “ignore” the abuse. They’d shut-down the bat-wielder. Then they’d bring in BatKid’s parents and work together to educate that child and help him or her become a caring and responsible member of the school community.  That’s the appropriate and effective way to help the victims and the aggressive child as well.

So what’s in the way of taking the same direct, common sense preschool approach to mean-kid behavior in middle and high schools? Can someone please tell me because I’ve been working on this stuff for over 30 years and I still don’t get why the solution eludes us.