I originally wrote a version of this article for TakePart.com where I contribute a weekly education post. Check out the rest of my articles there.

... because it's not helping

Do you know the Yiddish verb, to kvetch? On the surface it simply means: to complain. As in, “Just get your homework done and stop kvetching already.” But actually, kvetching goes beyond complaining into the realm of eternal dissatisfaction where nothing is ever good enough and it becomes one’s mission in life to let everyone know exactly where and why things don’t measure up.

No one is a happy camper all the time. It’s not realistic to expect to be and it’s certainly not a requirement. And yet we keep on expecting it, don’t we? Especially those of us fortunate enough to live pretty well. When reality doesn’t meet our impossible standards we may not be able to keep our mouth shut. Of course, speaking up can be the first step toward positive change. It can also help build self-respect and healthier relationships. Which is why, when a teen bitterly complains to me about a friend who isn’t acting like one, I counsel the teen to go on record and tell the friend, “This isn’t OK and here’s why.”

What’s the alternative? Staying silent? That’s not likely to improve a relationship. So, yes, sometimes we need to complain.

But what do you do if your child constantly complains?

• “That’s stupid!”
• “This isn’t what I wanted!”
• “You can’t make me!”
• “That’s unfair!”
• “This sucks!”

What if your child’s negative attitude permeates everything?

I realize that finding fault may be an essential part of becoming a young adult. Unlike little kids who try to emulate their godlike parents, t(w)eens have begun the hard work of establishing their own unique identity, as different from us parents as imaginable. Teen negativity is often a display of independence, plain and simple. This may help us understand where it’s coming from, even though it doesn’t make the attitude any more fun to be around.

If your kid has gotten into the habit of grousing s/he may outgrow it. (We can always hope!) But hope isn’t an especially effective parenting strategy and a negative attitude can pollute your family life. Rather than lashing out in frustration or suffering silently, I suggest a direct intervention that will, at the very least, give your child insight into what it’s like to live with constant griping. I tackle the issue  in my book Teaching Kids to Be Good People. This brief synopsis offers some tips on how to start turning around a negative attitude:

Conversation That Counts

Some complaints are helpful; some aren’t. Discuss with your child the concept of complaining. Point out that some complaints are helpful. (“The roof is leaking on my head.” “We’re out of toothpaste again.”) These can become action points. Other types of complaints aren’t intended to be helpful. They’re simply a chance to vent or to blame.  (“This assignment is boring!” “Why did I get her for a sister?” “You kids never do anything right!”)

Reverse role-play. Tell your child that you’re going to “act out” one (unhelpful) complaint that you regularly hear from him/her. Be realistic in your dramatization, but not unkind. Remember you’re trying to teach, not wound. Now ask your child to act out an unhelpful complaint s/he regularly hears from you. (Yes, this lesson is a two-way street.)

How bad is the habit we’ve gotten into? Discuss the regular grumbling and whining amongst family members that aren’t meant to be helpful. What impact does it have? What might family life be different if there were less complaining?

Make a change. Challenge each family member to catch him/herself (not anyone else) in the act of complaining and try one of these responses instead:

a) Communicate directly about what needs to be done.

b) Skip the complaint and do some or all of what needs to be done (on your own).

c) Change what you can change and change your attitude about the rest.

Call another family meeting in a week to report on the progress everyone has made in creating a more cooperative atmosphere. We’re into a new year. How about working together to keep moving in a positive direction? It’s worth a try.