Unless you’ve got like 40 years experience in meditation, you’re going to get your buttons pushed. When we lose it, it’s usually because other people can be so annoying. If everyone else just got it together and met our personal standards of perfection, we’d be happy. C’mon universe, is that too much to ask? Guess so, because the universe doesn’t seem interested in making any of us happy all the time. Which kinda sucks. But there’s a creative challenge in there that’s intriguing. It’s about figuring out how to find our own peace of mind… even when other people are so… you know.
Mom has lost it... again
A girl was having a rough time with her mom and wrote to me for advice.
Teen: A few years ago I lied to my mom and told her I was getting a B in French when I was getting a C. She still says she can’t trust me even though I’m a good student. Mostly A’s and a few B’s. I want to prove to her that I am trustworthy and I want to stop us fighting so much. More recently our fights seem to be bigger and scarier and I’m surprised she hasen’t hit me because often she’s so angry she can only stutter. All her brothers and sisters joke how out my mom has an anger problem. (It’s true!) I know she has my best interests at heart but I need her to back off a little and stop being so critical. I’m scared we’ll have a horrible relationship when we are older because of this useless fighting!
Annie: This sounds like the unhappy relationship my mom and I had when I was a teen. Part of what’s going on here is probably normal: Teen girl starts to grow up, expresses her individuality and mom feels uncertain about how to relate to this emerging young woman. Seeing our kids as young adults reminds parents that our “job” has changed. We don’t have the same level of control over our kids’ lives. That can be scary for parents, though it sounds like you know how to make healthy choices (aside from lying about your French grade).
It takes two people to have a fight. Since you can not control your mom’s behavior try to get more control over your own. If she starts complaining or arguing what might happen if you don’t get all worked up in response?
Teen: I have never shouted back at my mom, I usually just sit there and stay calm while she yells- hoping that she will stop soon! I try not to let her anger get to me- but I think that could be something that annoys her, the fact that I don’t really show angry/mad/sad emotions. Maybe she feels like she has to yell extra long and loud to make a point.
Annie: You want more independence to make your own decisions without feeling negatively judged by your mom. And in a few years you will have that independence. The real challenge is “How do we co-exist in a more peaceful way, until then?” Have you ever talked with any other adults in your family about the challenges you’re having with your mom?
Teen: I’m close to my dad. He’s definitely more relaxed than my mom about all this growing up/girl stuff, but usually he doesn’t take sides. Wise man! What can you recommend that would help my relationship with my mom?
Annie: Slow deep breathing (AKA re-centering) whenever you feel tempted to “engage” in her negativity. Check out The Breathing Challenge. It is a challenge not to get stressed when the people around you are!
Also, try opening up to your dad and tell him how much you want a healthier relationship with your mom. Ask for his help in talking to her. Perhaps some calmly worded feedback from your dad would make your mom aware of how her behavior is contributing to the arguments. So talk to your dad and practice breathing. OK?
Teen: OK- thanks a lot Terra, I think I will be able to handle these situations with my mom better in the future.
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