neighbors | Annie Fox's Blog

Holiday steps and missteps

December 8, 2015

I’m head-down focused on my teen novel. Come first of the year, El Niño or no, it’s going to my editor. Who cares if I’m sitting on a coach adrift in dog hair? Or wearing the same socks five days running? It’s Food Truck Tuesday and I’m in the zone. And like yesterday’s Chinese leftovers, I’m serving up reheated holiday blog fare today. Tuck in!

It’s dark out there. Spread your light

T’is the season for spreading light in the darkness. And goodwill. Yeah. So why not go out of your way to be nice? Or, at the very least, watch out for missteps. Some can’t be undone. Like when we make choices that negatively alter the course of a relationship.

Fortunately some missteps can be corrected before we royally muck things up. I got one of those the other day as David and I walked to the post office. We passed a neighbor wearing a thin blue dress, bedroom slippers and an agitated expression. She shouted something at us, but with the guy across the street running his leaf blower I couldn’t make out what she said.

This woman is… how can I put this? A bit erratic. Over the years I’ve seen her standing in front of her house screaming at cars (“SLOW DOWN!!”) and at me (“DID YOU SEE THAT GUY? JUST LETS THE DOG RUN AROUND! NO LEASH! NO SENSE!”) Because I never know what I’ll get from her I keep my distance. At that leaf-blowing moment I could easily have pantomimed: Sorry, crazy lady, can’t hear you! I’ll just shrug, smile, wave and keep walking…fast.

But that felt like a misstep. And I had the weird sensation a campus rep from Karma College was taking notes… so I crossed the street and talked to her.

LADY: Did you see the mailman up the street? Has he come down the hill yet?

ANNIE: I didn’t see him, but we already got our mail.

LADY: So did I. But I wonder if he’s passed by yet.

ANNIE: Yeah. I think he’s gone for the day.

She stood there, frowning. The wind picked up and her feet went bluish in those flimsy slippers.

ANNIE: Was there something you wanted to mail? Because we’re walking to the post office right now.

She ran into the house while I imagined her coming back with a twenty-five pound box and a handful of stamps. I thought about leaving. A moment later she re-appeared waving a white envelope… Christmas card size.

LADY: It’s for a man in a nursing home. You’ll take it to the post office for me?

Sure thing.

Misstep unstepped. Right foot forward.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: Christmas, christmas cards, doing the right thing, good karma, Good Neighbors, goodwill, Holidays, neighbors — Annie @ 10:51 am

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Someone is always not happy

September 25, 2011

This is a partial repost of a parenting article I wrote in 2007.

Dog + hill + fence=solution

It’s not like we didn’t already have a fenced-in yard. We did. And our land continued beyond the fence. Like the rest of our neighbors here in the flats, we believed the high ridge above us was designated open space, meaning that everyone can enjoy the land and it can’t be developed. For decades, we boasted to out-of-town visitors how that ridge would forever remain untouched by contractors. Our bragging increased our Happiness Quotient (aka HapQ) though I’m sure it decreased our guests’ HapQ, which decreases my own now that I think of it.

When a section of the ridge behind us was sold (because it wasn’t actually open space) we were unhappy. When a massive house was built up there, we were bummed.

But hey, no one can be happy all the time, right? So we breathed and we made our peace.

A few years back, I was hanging out with my dog by our bay tree. We were on our land but outside our fence. Suddenly our neighbor swooped down like a ringwraith with acid reflux.

Admittedly, I’ve led a sheltered life, but I’ve watch enough reality TV to be pretty sure that “Get off my $#@%$ property or I’ll shoot your $#@%$ dog” qualifies as harassment. Adrenalin pumping, mind a blur, I high-tailed it into the house.

Whoever said “Words can never hurt me” was either lying or hearing impaired. Words can pierce your heart and set up camp in your mind where they continue stinging like time-released poison darts.

For the next two years, every time I stepped into my garden I was visited by the ghost of Ringwraith. I never actually saw him again, but I felt trapped by my unspoken fear and a growing resentment. Just as I got completely fed up with myself for being such a wimp, our apple tree died. Naturally I had to delete it, so I hacked back the offending limbs but lacked the muscle to finish the job. Soon after, the apricot tree failed and I called the Tree Guy. He rid my garden of deadwood and planted a new apple tree. I was so happy I started dreaming aloud about extending our current fence to create more enclosed space in which to garden and plant trees. Turns out Tree Guy’s brother is Fence Guy. What luck!

When Fence Guy showed up Ringwraith reappeared. He wasn’t happy about our new fence, but Fence Guy was philosophical, “Someone is always not happy.” True, but someone isn’t always unhappy with me and when they are, that makes me very unhappy.

Things with Ringwraith got dicey. I went to scary places in my mind and couldn’t find the off-ramp. So I walked. I breathed. I ate embarrassing amounts of very dark chocolate. I remained in child’s pose for hours at a time. Nothing helped. Even after 8 years of yoga and meditation I could not get happier or calmer. So I resorted to Annie-bashing. You heard me. Not only was I dealing with the stress of an unhappy neighbor, and my constant fear of his reprisals, I was beating myself up for not being able to breathe my way back to Normal Life. My tower of unhappiness reached new heights daily.

Then presto… life returned to Good.

I wish I could say I had a moment of enlightenment that suddenly made everything all right. But I didn’t. We just built our fence like we planned. That was it. Now that the fence is up, so’s my Happiness Quotient. Oh, and we haven’t seen our neighbor. I don’t think it would bother me as much if we did.

Soon afterwards, under the full moon, I stood tall by my bay tree. I felt safe and strong and completely at home – light years from two years ago in that spot. Was it really just a bunch of fence posts and a couple of rolls of wire that made the difference? Or had I somehow made myself safer the moment I decided I’d had it with being intimidated? I really can’t say.

I also can’t say exactly what all this has to do with parenting. Except that sometimes we just have to tough it out. And so do our kids. We can’t always help them up when they’re down. Maybe the best we can do is remind them that someone is always not happy, and right now it’s their turn. On the other hand, tomorrow it could be their turn to be happy again. Just knowing that might help.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: conflict resolution, fences, Meditation, neighbors, Yoga — Annie @ 1:18 pm

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For Parents: One foot in front of the other

December 23, 2008

Candle light I don’t believe in Santa, but I do think it’s worthwhile to perform good deeds whenever you can… especially this time of year. And just in case someone is watching to see if I’ve been bad or good, I try, at the very least, to avoid missteps.

Some missteps can be corrected before it’s too late. Like when you choose a pot for making applesauce and after cutting up and tossing in four apples any fool can see that the other 7 apples and 3 pears on the counter will never fit. So you simply dump everything into a larger pot and carry on. Misstep unstepped. That assumes, of course, that a certain someone who already told you the first pot was too small isn’t standing right there watching. If he is and you two have been keeping score about such things, then timely self-correction becomes more challenging. But it’s still a viable option.

Some missteps, on the other hand, can’t be undone. Like making that off-hand comment (just as a joke) when you knew that the subject of the sentence was probably not going to fully appreciate the humor in it. Then you’re stuck having to apologize plus deal with your own disappointment in yourself. You’re also left wondering why the hell you haven’t yet learned that everything that pops into your head a) isn’t as funny as you think it is and/or b) isn’t worth saying.

T’is the season of spreading light in the darkness… and goodwill. So I light candles and look for opportunities to take steps in the right direction. And I got one this afternoon! As David and I walked to the post office we passed a neighbor standing in front of her house. She was wearing a thin dress, bedroom slippers and an agitated expression. She said something to us, but since the guy across the street was running his leaf blower, I couldn’t make out what it was.

Just so you know, this neighbor is… how can I put this… a bit erratic. Over the years we’ve heard her screaming at passing cars (“SLOW DOWN!!”) and at us (“DID YOU SEE THAT? JUST LETS THE DOG RUN AROUND! NO LEASH! NO SENSE!”) Because you never know what you’ll get from her, I was a little apprehensive. At that moment I could easily have begged off by pantomiming something like: “Sorry, I can’t hear you because the leaf blower is too loud. So I’ll just shrug and smile and wave and keep on walking by.”

But that felt like a misstep. And I knew that the campus rep from Karma College was taking notes… so I crossed the street and went up to her.

LADY: Did you see the mailman up the street? Has he come down the hill yet?

ANNIE: I didn’t see him, but we already got our mail.

LADY (frowning): So did I. But I wonder if he’s passed by yet.

ANNIE: Yeah. I think he’s gone for the day.

She looked upset as she stood there. It was cold and her feet were kinda bluish in those flimsy slippers.

ANNIE: Was there something you wanted to mail? Because we’re going to the post office.

Magic words! She lit up and ran into the house. I was just hoping she wouldn’t come out lugging a fifty pound box and hand me some stamps.

But no. She emerged a moment later waving a white envelope… Christmas card size.