Relationships | Annie Fox's Blog

But “I still love him…” Puh-leeze!

July 15, 2009

I know what love is. And I know what it sure as hell isn’t. No one’s born knowing. In my case, I only got it after many tedious attempts at misplaced affection. (Thankfully, my suffering yielded a few not too shabby souvenir poems and songs, so there’s that.)

Understanding this stuff is essential. I mean, really, if you don’t know how to love and how to get what you need from your partner, how are you ever going to create and maintain a healthy relationship? You’re not! Which brings me to this email from yesterday:

Hey Annie,

I have been with this guy for 2 years. We were engaged and living together. He left me two months ago and I can’t figure out exactly why he won’t even say I love you anymore. I had caught him before on chat lines giving other women his number talking very very dirty. Even talking to his ex and well, I left him. After a couple months I went back because he proposed to me and swore it was me he wanted. He said he was gonna change and he wanted to make me happy. That lasted about 5 months. I found out this time when we broke up he was still talking to his ex. He even told me he met a girl at a bar for a one night bj but swears that’s all that happened. Now he said he wanted to be “f__ friends” with me and that’s all or nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him still so much after all that’s happened and I can’t understand why. I just wish he loved me. I don’t think he ever has. Please help me I’m seriously depressed…

Lost and Confused

Dear L & C,

You say that you “still love him” and that you wish he would “just love” you. I’m not sure what kind of love you’re talking about, but it isn’t enough to make this work. What the guy did was flat-out wrong, disrespectful and low. But let’s be fair… you didn’t show the greatest judgment either. Part of your current situation is a direct result of taking him back after he betrayed you. I’m guessing that you really didn’t trust him. You still don’t! Yet you allowed yourself to believe he’d get his act together. (Based on what? “LOVE”?) It also sounds like you two never addressed the hurt caused by the first betrayal. Never discussed why he thought it was OK to cheat on you. And because you never dealt with it, it came back to bite you… hard. The fact that now all he wants from you is to be one of his “f__ friends” really says it all, doesn’t it? And the reason you “still love” this self-centered disrespectful individual “so much” is… why?

What you need to move forward is more self-respect. When you develop that you won’t need me or anyone else to tell you that this isn’t love. If you need help sorting out your feelings and working on self-esteem, then I strongly suggest that you find a counselor or a therapist to talk with.

In friendship,
Annie

Most parents I talk with say they absolutely want their teen daughters and sons to grow up to be “a good partner in a healthy committed relationship.” If we’re going to walk the walk, we really need to be teaching our kids that love isn’t enough.

Filed under: Parenting,Tips — Tags: betrayal, counseling, Love, Relationships, self-esteem, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 11:32 am

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For Teens: Love may be blind but it shouldn’t make you stupid

April 14, 2009

Love is Blind

One of my exes was Grade C boyfriend material, and for about two years I never noticed. Well, OK, yeah, I did. But I hung in there, manufacturing excuses for his hurtful and unacceptable behavior. Why’d I put up with all that deception and self-deception? I thought I loved him. And I’d heard that nobody’s perfect. You’ve gotta take the bad with the good. Blah. blah. Actually I was just being stupid. Then I realized I wanted and needed trust, honesty and respect in a relationship, and I was getting none of it where I was. Just waking up gave me the shove I needed to find the EXIT.

So here’s my take on the whole “Love is Blind” thing: Maybe, it is… a little. And maybe that’s not bad. But it’s just plain stupid to walk the rim of an active volcano with your eyes closed. From this week’s email:

Hey Terra,

My new gf started talking to her ex again. She freaked out on me asking me to just go away and stop talking to her. The next day she said sorry and that she should not have done that. A week ago she re-asked out her ex, and was rejected. Then last nite she asked me a lot of strange questions to which she should have already known the answers but she likes to re-confirm the answers over and over. Then she said her whole life is a lie, all she does is lie, and how she doesn’t deserve me in her life. Then I get a text that she is going to take her life in 35 days!

Since she lies I’m not sure how much is true. Along w/her drug and alcohol problems and her failing liver, she has been told she has multiple personalities, has been to a psych ward for trying to take her life multiple times. Plus stories about cutting, an abusive bf and a cheating bf, etc.

She runs away from her emotions. She has huge trust issues so I keep all my promises to her and tell the truth on everything. But I have run out of ways to help her. Should I go back with her or not?

Trying

Dear Trying,

You sound like a good guy who is also intelligent. I’m guessing you know the girl’s behavior is not normal. It sounds like she has emotional and psychological problems which lead her to make unhealthy choices over and over. You care about her, but you can’t give her the professional help she needs.

Because you have heard of her suicide plans, you have to let an adult know. Tell the counselor at your school. That way you’ll get a responsible adult involved and hopefully your friend will receive the help she needs before she hurts herself.

I’d suggest that you NOT get back with her until she gets help and starts making progress managing her life in healthy ways. To get deeply involved with her before that time would not be a smart choice for you.

In friendship,

Terra

Filed under: Teens — Tags: Love is Blind, Relationships, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 3:43 pm

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For Parents: After the candy’s been eaten

February 15, 2009

Fuzzy about love and relationships

February 15th… the morning after the day every single single in this much married land is plagued with the thought “No date! I’m such a loser!” Of course from my perspective as an online advisor, the urge to merge is pretty much a year-round thing. So is the general cluelessness regarding what healthy relationships are all about. And it’s skewing younger all the time. Take these two oh so typical emails the likes of which I receive several times a week:

“Any guy I crush over does not feel the same about me. They always have a reason why I’m not ‘the one.’ I need help! What can I do to get guys to like me???” – 6th grader in love

And this one:

“I’m a 14 old guy and I’m still a single (?!) Many of my friends are in a relationship and I really wanted one of my own. How can I make myself comfortable when being around girls, especially the one I have a crush on?? It seems that I’m always nervous and I tend to force something that I’ll regret (because I’m always excited whenever I talk to the girl I like and I don’t want them to realize that I’m an annoying person and even a stalker)!!”

Tweens and teens are under way too much pressure to couple up. Put that on top of (or underlying) the stress they already feel to make the grade academically, athletically and in the friends department and it’s easy to see why the “solutions” 11-14 year olds come up with for their Boyfriend/Girlfriend challenges aren’t the most carefully thought out ideas.

None of us would dream of handing over the car keys to an unschooled young driver, because they’re unsafe at any speed. A danger to themselves and others. But what schooling are we giving our tweens and teens about the road trip into relationships? I know all about the take-away messages they get from friends and pop culture. But what values and skills are we parents giving them in terms of dating and relating?

We hear the word relationship and we think sex. Middle school kids hear it and think the same. And that’s a big part of the problem! The focus is all wrong. The result? A whole lot of ignorance about what really matters in a relationship – mutual respect, trust, honesty, open communication and shared values. So they swerve, skid, careen out of control, and crack up time and time again. Experience is a great teacher, but are they actually building any positive relationship skills? Based on the questions they email me, I’m guessing, not a whole bunch.

We need to change this. They need us to educate them because what they don’t know can and does hurt them. It hurts others too.

To learn more about the cosequences of fuzzy relationship smarts, check out my review of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both by Laura Sessions Stepp.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Parenting Books,Tips — Tags: Relationship Smarts, Relationships, Teens — Annie @ 4:32 pm

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