But what if she says no!?

It doesn’t matter how old we are, there are and will continue to be times we hold ourselves back from what we really want to do if only…

I’m not talking about resisting the impulse to tell somebody off or to wolf down an entire pizza. I’m talking about putting the brakes on choices we’d actually feel good about.

Sometimes a weird, illogical hesitancy comes over me while I’m trying to make a decision. There’s never any physical danger involved in doing the thing. And it’s not about abandoning any core values. And yet… something keeps me from actually making the move I’d probably pat myself on the back for. Maybe you’ve been on the cusp of a “Kinda Wanna, Kinda Don’t” choice, so you know the feeling.

Ever wonder what that’s about? I don’t have a clue what’s true for you, but when I’m there it’s usually because I:

a) Never did the thing before

b) Feel scared of failing and making a fool of myself

c)  Worry I’ll succeed and then things will change too much

d) Stress about what other people will say or think or do

e) All of the above

Yesterday I got an email from a teen paralyzed in the crosshairs of a Kinda Wanna, Kinda Don’t moment:

Hey Terra,

I’m a freshman in high school and I really like this girl. (What else is new?) Anyway, I’ve known her for about a year and I want to ask her out. The problems and problematic thoughts include: ‘I’m nervous’, ‘What if she says no?’, and ‘What if I’m not good enough?’. I have absolutely no idea how I should approach her and how to phrase me asking her out. Please help!

Shy Guy

Not sure exactly what Shy Guy expected from me, but here’s what he got:

Dear Shy Guy,

First piece of advice is to RELAX. Take some slow deep breaths (I’m serious!)

INHALE (s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly) through your nose to the count of 5

EXHALE (s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly) through your mouth to the count of 7

Go ahead… try it… I’ll wait. ;O)

OK, now, hopefully you’re feeling calmer and saner. Let’s talk… Is there really “a problem” here? You like the girl. That’s not a problem, that’s a good thing. (A smile would be an appropriate reaction.) You want to ask her out. That’s not a problem either. It’s an opportunity!

The real challenge here is getting past your “problematic thoughts.” They are the only obstacles in your path. And in case you never realized this, I’ll let you in on a secret: thoughts aren’t real.  Got a mile high, mile long brick wall in your path? Now that’s a real obstacle! But a thought? Nope. But don’t get me wrong. Thoughts can and often do get in everyone’s way. But only when we let them.

So what’s REALLY in your way? Let me guess. Fear of rejection. Is that a possibility if you ask the girl out? Absolutely! But it’s not guaranteed. Whenever you put yourself out there socially there’s the chance you’ll get snubbed or mocked or whatever. There’s also the chance you’ll hit the jackpot in the form of a great friendship or something more. So, my question for you: Is it worth the risk?

It’s your new year. Your movie. Your choice.

In friendship,
Terra

Not bad advice. Think I’ll try it.