Parenting Expert | Annie Fox | Family Advice Blog

I want a boyfriend but I’m not good at flirting!

March 24, 2019

I wish I had a boyfriend…

I just got an email from a girl who’s never had a boyfriend and she really wants one. We’ve all been there, right? Everyone deserves to be loved. Being loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling that nurtures your spirit and opens your heart and mind to the beauty of life. If you aren’t in a relationship and you want to be, you may feel frustrated and/or impatient. But you know what they say? You can’t hurry love. You can, however, prepare yourself to be a good partner by learning about yourself, what you want, and what you need.

Teen: I’m a 16 year old girl who never had a boyfriend before but I really want one. The thing is, I’m kind of shy so I’m not that good at flirting!

Annie: It might be helpful for you to think about what kind of boyfriend you’re looking for. How about if you fill in the blank in this sentence?

I want a boyfriend who is __________________________________________.

Keep brainstorming until you run out of things that are true for you.

Teen: I want a boyfriend who is: loyal, friendly, kind, respects boundaries, a good listener, and willing to try new things.

Annie: That’s a very thoughtful list of qualities. Good work. So tell me, do you already know someone with any or some of those qualities?

Teen: There’s one boy I know who actually has most of those qualities, but I’m not sure I have a chance with him and I’m not sure if he’s single or looking for a relationship. He’s about a a year older than me. We’re in an after school club together, but I’ve known him since last year outside of it.

Annie: With all those positive qualities, he sounds like a really good guy. Keep building the friendship. Maybe the friendship will grow into a romance, but even if it doesn’t, you are learning more about what you want and need in a relationship. That’s important!

btw, you might also be thinking about what you have to give, because a relationship is a 2-way street. It’s not just about what you want from someone, it’s also about what you have to offer.

Bottom line, try not to get too hung up about the boyfriend thing. I understand this might be hard, especially if it seems like everyone in your school is coupled up. I’ve been stuck in the “I wish I had a boyfriend” trap and I can honestly say wishing and hoping for love is a major waste of time, energy, and emotion that can be better spent doing a million other things. Love happens when it happens, and not a moment before. You can’t plan for it or schedule it. But you can always love yourself more and focus on becoming the best version of you. That means exploring your interests and passions, developing new talents and skills, and putting your gifts to good use. And while you’re at it, think about your goals in life. Dream big. You have so much more to accomplish than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.”

Oh, yeah, you do!

Filed under: Friendship,Parenting,Teens,Tweens — Tags: Love, relationship advice for teens, Teen Relationships, teen romance — Annie @ 9:13 pm

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What should I do about my clingy friend?

July 27, 2018

I need more space

It’s been a while since I updated my blog. Just to let you know, I have not been slacking. Most of my work is done at schools, so summer is typically a time for other projects. I’m working on a YA novel. It’s going slowly, thank you, and I appreciate having this time to make progress. That said, I got an email from a tween this morning and thought it might help you and your daughter, because we all know that girl friendship drama rarely takes a summer vacation.

Tween: I’ve known Friend A for 4 years. I have another friend who I’m now closer to. Friend A just wants me to be with her alone. I have tried to include her with my other friend, or any of my friends but she never wants to do what we’re doing. She tries to squeeze in between me and whoever I’m sitting or standing next to. She over-compliments me for everything and it makes me embarrassed. She’s always hugging me and trying to hook arms with me. It bothers me a lot and it seems to get worse every day. I don’t want to be mean to her but I’m really getting so annoyed! – Strangled

Annie: I understand your challenge. Friendships change. Sounds like this one has. Friend A likes you very much. That’s a good thing. She’s used to having you as her best and only friend. She may be clingy because she’s afraid she’ll lose the friendship. For some people, change can be a scary thing. You can understand that, can’t you?

Friend A may not feel confident in herself and she may worry that others won’t want to be her friend. That’s kinda sad. But it is not your problem if she feels uncertain about her ability to make new friends. That’s something she has to figure out for herself. She can and she will!

Let’s talk about what you can do to make this situation better.

You are a kind-hearted person. That’s a very good thing! But it’s also a very good thing to set boundaries for your friends and let them know what you want and need in the friendship. Have you ever told Friend A that her compliments and hugs upset you? If you haven’t, how is she supposed to know?

You have the right to spend time with people who want to spend time with you. You also have the right to demand more space than this girl is giving you.

What are your options here?

a) Stay silent, keep smiling, and pretend this doesn’t bother you.

b) Tell her you don’t want to be her friend any more and that she’d better just stay away from you

c) Stop talking to her altogether (Give her the silent treatment.)

d) Have a private conversation with her. Tell her that she is your friend and you also like to spend time with other friends.

e) Tell her you’ve noticed how upset she gets when you are with other people. Give her an example of something she does that upsets you. Ask for her ideas of how you two can stay friends and have more fun and less stress.

Which of these options sound helpful? (There might be more than one.) Which ones would not be helpful to you, the girl, or the friendship?

Think about it.

In friendship,
Annie

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: assertiveness training for girls, friendship drama, girls, girls friendship issues, Girls Friendship Without the Drama, girls' friendship drama, Middle School, Parenting, raising daughters — Annie @ 3:29 pm

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“I’m so uptight! How do I let loose?”

June 6, 2018

You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself.

One of the most challenging parts of being a teen is how judgmental people at school and online can be. The other difficult piece is how hard you can be on yourself. 🙁 Maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of trashing your own looks – complexion, height, hair, weight, body. Or maybe you are like this girl who wishes she could stop worrying what other people think, “let loose” and just be herself.

Teen: My friend is super cool and I admire her so much. She will randomly High 5 people and make conversations with anyone. She dances and just doesn’t care what people think about her. I’m super conservative and feel like I can never let loose. I hate it because I see how much more attractive it is when girls are so care free. What’s wrong with me that I feel so uptight all the time? I don’t really care what people think when I think about it but I don’t know why I try to act I guess so “mature” all the time. It isn’t fun and I don’t know what to do. How do I stop caring what people think and just let loose?

Annie: Your friend does sound super cool! The kind of person who makes others feel more at ease just by being near her. I totally understand why you admire her and want to have some of the freedom she has.

Some of her “I don’t care what people think about me” attitude may come from how she’s been raised by her parents. They may be the kind of people who live their own lives with confidence and a sense of “this is who I am.” As a result, they may have always encouraged their daughter to “do her own thing” and “not worry so much about what others think.”

So how do you do it? Before I give you some advice, let me ask you a question: If you were brave enough to “let loose” and do ONE THING what’s the worst thing that might happen?

Teen: I guess I’d be afraid of being judged and looking immature. I like when adults can respect me and talk to me like I am one. I just do not know how to do it. It is quite frustrating because I am weird and crazy when I want to be, but in public I get all tense.

Annie: Your fear of “being judged” is not irrational, judging from how judgmental teens can be. (Sad but true). But if you feeling “boxed in” by this fear to the point where you can’t be your wonderful “weird and crazy” self… then you are giving others too much power over your life. You can take back power, you know.

As for liking the way you are respected by adults who treat you with respect and admire your maturity, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t have to be an Either/Or choice. A truly authentic, confident person knows how to “switch gears” and choose appropriate behavior depending on where she is. For example, I’m guessing that your friend knows how and when to pull back on her free spirited behavior. She acts differently in class than she does when she’s with a bunch of friends, right?

Judge the situation for what is appropriate. And when you feel like letting loose, don’t hold yourself back. As for people “judging you” (negatively)… Well, you don’t judge your friend negatively when she lets loose. Just the opposite! You think she’s cool because she doesn’t care what other people think. So maybe if you give yourself permission to be a little bit freer and more spontaneous people would admire you and think you’re cool too! You’ll probably admire yourself more, too.

Teen: Yes I see what you mean, I just don’t know how to give it a try. Do I just fake it till I make it?

Annie: Ha! Fake it til you make it is one approach. It can work, too! It also may help for you to start paying attention to your “fear of judgment” as it comes up. That’s what’s holding you back from really being yourself. Don’t let it. The next time you feel like letting loose notice the fear that comes up, notice the thoughts that come with it. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’d better not do that. People will laugh or roll their eyes.” Notice the thoughts. Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. That will calm your heart and quiet your mind. Then go for it. (Assuming that the kind of “letting loose” you’re thinking about is not going to HURT anyone else. Mean jokes, etc. are never cool.

Teen: Yes. I get it. Thank you so much!

Annie: You’re welcome. So what are you going to do differently tomorrow?

Teen: When I am in public or with other friends and they are being goofy I am going to take a deep breath and join them.

Annie: AWESOME! Good luck and please let me know how it goes.

She’s on her way. If you want to try this, please let me know how it goes. (HINT: This can work to make teens and adults braver and more comfortable and confident being themselves.)

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: authenticity, being yourself, celebrating diversity, non-conformity — Annie @ 2:52 pm

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How come all my crushes like my friends better than me?

April 30, 2018

Be your own girl

No matter how self-confident you are self-esteem can take a hit when other people consistently get all the attention. This is especially hard when you’ve got a serious crush on someone who’s into your friend. If this happens a lot you might start to wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

Been there? You’re not alone. Read on…

Hey Terra,

Whenever I get a crush on a guy he decides to have feelings for one of my friends. I don’t mean to brag, but I am smart, outgoing, and honest with people. I’m not hideous either. I love my friends, but they are all boring, go-with-the-flow kinda people. Some of them are not very smart and they are obsessed with drama and personal issues. I am truly different. My family is European. I speak several languages. I care about music.

Last night I was with my friend and I met a guy and we all hung out. I never met a guy like him. He is European as well as bilingual and very attractive. We talked about music and we have the exact same tastes, which not everyone here has. He is very special, but I definitely got the feeling that he was into my friend and she wasn’t even talking to him. She was basically asleep on the couch! Why does this keep happening? – Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,

You make a mistake when you assume there is something “wrong” with you because a guy doesn’t appreciate you. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact there is so much that’s right with you it’s very impressive. I think you know it, but sometimes you forget.

I understand how frustrating and confusing it is to have guys you’re crushing on consistently fall for your friends. But if your gifts don’t impress a guy, then he is just not the guy for you. Plain and simple.

You say the guy from last night was “special.” I don’t doubt it, but he’s not the kind of “special” you’re looking for. In addition to being special in his own right, the guy you want has to see how special you are! If you don’t feel appreciated, don’t waste your time pursuing him or moping around.

I’m not saying being in love and part of a couple isn’t wonderful. It is. But don’t fall into the same trap as so many teen girls by believing that having a boyfriend is everything. That is such a cliché and not even close to the truth. You’ve got way more important goals to achieve than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.” You’re smart. Be smart about this.

The right guy is out there and the two of you will meet up some day. You’ll know he’s the right guy because he will:

a) be emotionally available
b) be ready for a relationship
c) want to be with you as much as you want to be with him
d) share your values
e) respect and appreciate your personality and accomplishments as much as you appreciate and respect his.

It will happen when it happens. You can’t affect love’s time table and stressing about it is not helpful. In the meantime, live your life. Celebrate your intelligence, your youth, your health, your talent. You’ve got more than enough of what you need to get you anywhere you want to go.

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Parenting — Annie @ 9:18 am

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