April, 2018 | Annie Fox's Blog

How come all my crushes like my friends better than me?

April 30, 2018

Be your own girl

No matter how self-confident you are self-esteem can take a hit when other people consistently get all the attention. This is especially hard when you’ve got a serious crush on someone who’s into your friend. If this happens a lot you might start to wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

Been there? You’re not alone. Read on…

Hey Terra,

Whenever I get a crush on a guy he decides to have feelings for one of my friends. I don’t mean to brag, but I am smart, outgoing, and honest with people. I’m not hideous either. I love my friends, but they are all boring, go-with-the-flow kinda people. Some of them are not very smart and they are obsessed with drama and personal issues. I am truly different. My family is European. I speak several languages. I care about music.

Last night I was with my friend and I met a guy and we all hung out. I never met a guy like him. He is European as well as bilingual and very attractive. We talked about music and we have the exact same tastes, which not everyone here has. He is very special, but I definitely got the feeling that he was into my friend and she wasn’t even talking to him. She was basically asleep on the couch! Why does this keep happening? – Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy,

You make a mistake when you assume there is something “wrong” with you because a guy doesn’t appreciate you. There is nothing wrong with you. In fact there is so much that’s right with you it’s very impressive. I think you know it, but sometimes you forget.

I understand how frustrating and confusing it is to have guys you’re crushing on consistently fall for your friends. But if your gifts don’t impress a guy, then he is just not the guy for you. Plain and simple.

You say the guy from last night was “special.” I don’t doubt it, but he’s not the kind of “special” you’re looking for. In addition to being special in his own right, the guy you want has to see how special you are! If you don’t feel appreciated, don’t waste your time pursuing him or moping around.

I’m not saying being in love and part of a couple isn’t wonderful. It is. But don’t fall into the same trap as so many teen girls by believing that having a boyfriend is everything. That is such a cliché and not even close to the truth. You’ve got way more important goals to achieve than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.” You’re smart. Be smart about this.

The right guy is out there and the two of you will meet up some day. You’ll know he’s the right guy because he will:

a) be emotionally available
b) be ready for a relationship
c) want to be with you as much as you want to be with him
d) share your values
e) respect and appreciate your personality and accomplishments as much as you appreciate and respect his.

It will happen when it happens. You can’t affect love’s time table and stressing about it is not helpful. In the meantime, live your life. Celebrate your intelligence, your youth, your health, your talent. You’ve got more than enough of what you need to get you anywhere you want to go.

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Parenting — Annie @ 9:18 am

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I value this friendship more than she does

April 9, 2018

If not, what will I do without you?

A minor disagreement with a best friend can be worked out with a simple, honest conversation. But a major disagreement, for example, one of you wants more time/closeness than the other, is tougher to resolve. You still need to talk about it. Sitting on feelings (like resentment and jealousy) only intensifies them. Intense feelings may lead you to doing and saying things you’ll later regret. Not good for you or the friendship.

Here’s a recent email from a girl who’s having a hard time dealing with jealousy in a friendship.

Teen: Me and my best friend have been close for quite a long time, but I know the friendship is on the verge of unhealthy. I value the friendship more than she does, which means I put way more effort into it. I get jealous whenever she spends time with other people. I’ve tried to step back and give her space, but I miss her already. I know that we can’t be friends like we used to be, but I don’t know how to stop these feelings. When the friendship ends she’ll move on with her other friends and I’ll be heartbroken. What do I do? Thanks 🙂

Annie: This friendship sounds a bit unbalanced. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes one friend has a busier schedule than the other. That doesn’t mean she cares less than the one who has more free time. Sometimes both friends feel the need for “time together and time apart.” That gives both people a chance to explore other friendships and other interests. This can be a good thing even if it feels strange at first.

The real measure of friendship is not the amount of time. It’s how both people feel when they are together. It sounds like you feel unappreciated by your friend and jealous of how happy she is with other people. You said it yourself, “I value the friendship more than she does.” Yes, it seems that’s true. That’s a problem because it makes you feel powerless and unworthy. Like you don’t count.

Here’s something to think about: We can get so used to things in a friendship (who puts in more effort/who values the friendship more, etc.) that it all seems normal. There is nothing normal about feeling like you don’t count in a friendship! You count as much as much as she does. You deserve a friend who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That doesn’t mean you two have to be together all the time or that neither of you can have other friends. It simply means that when you are together, you ought to feel accepted, respected and appreciated. If you don’t then it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Either you can talk to her about her behavior or you can take her behavior as a clear sign that she is less interested in this friendship than you are.

If that’s the case, I’d suggest you go shopping for a new best friend.

Teen: That makes so much sense, thank you. I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her and I’m not exactly the kind of person who makes friends easily. Any tips?

Annie: First make a list to help you understand what qualities are important to you in a friend. Fill in the blank to this sentence:

I want a friend who is ___________________________.

Keep filling in the blank until you run out of ideas. This list will help you understand what you’re looking for and how to recognize it when you find it. Also, please know that a friendship is a two-way street. Make sure that you are able to give to a friend the same things you expect a friend to give to you.

Good luck!