If not, what will I do without you?
A minor disagreement with a best friend can be worked out with a simple, honest conversation. But a major disagreement, for example, one of you wants more time/closeness than the other, is tougher to resolve. You still need to talk about it. Sitting on feelings (like resentment and jealousy) only intensifies them. Intense feelings may lead you to doing and saying things you’ll later regret. Not good for you or the friendship.
Here’s a recent email from a girl who’s having a hard time dealing with jealousy in a friendship.
Teen: Me and my best friend have been close for quite a long time, but I know the friendship is on the verge of unhealthy. I value the friendship more than she does, which means I put way more effort into it. I get jealous whenever she spends time with other people. I’ve tried to step back and give her space, but I miss her already. I know that we can’t be friends like we used to be, but I don’t know how to stop these feelings. When the friendship ends she’ll move on with her other friends and I’ll be heartbroken. What do I do? Thanks 🙂
Annie: This friendship sounds a bit unbalanced. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes one friend has a busier schedule than the other. That doesn’t mean she cares less than the one who has more free time. Sometimes both friends feel the need for “time together and time apart.” That gives both people a chance to explore other friendships and other interests. This can be a good thing even if it feels strange at first.
The real measure of friendship is not the amount of time. It’s how both people feel when they are together. It sounds like you feel unappreciated by your friend and jealous of how happy she is with other people. You said it yourself, “I value the friendship more than she does.” Yes, it seems that’s true. That’s a problem because it makes you feel powerless and unworthy. Like you don’t count.
Here’s something to think about: We can get so used to things in a friendship (who puts in more effort/who values the friendship more, etc.) that it all seems normal. There is nothing normal about feeling like you don’t count in a friendship! You count as much as much as she does. You deserve a friend who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That doesn’t mean you two have to be together all the time or that neither of you can have other friends. It simply means that when you are together, you ought to feel accepted, respected and appreciated. If you don’t then it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Either you can talk to her about her behavior or you can take her behavior as a clear sign that she is less interested in this friendship than you are.
If that’s the case, I’d suggest you go shopping for a new best friend.
Teen: That makes so much sense, thank you. I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her and I’m not exactly the kind of person who makes friends easily. Any tips?
Annie: First make a list to help you understand what qualities are important to you in a friend. Fill in the blank to this sentence:
I want a friend who is ___________________________.
Keep filling in the blank until you run out of ideas. This list will help you understand what you’re looking for and how to recognize it when you find it. Also, please know that a friendship is a two-way street. Make sure that you are able to give to a friend the same things you expect a friend to give to you.
Good luck!
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This is so important to learn at a younger age. I’ve just had to forcibly end a friendship with another adult who refused to give me the space I needed and who began to infringe on my and my family’s sense of privacy. A healthy friendship can withstand the ebbs and flows of spending time and not spending time together. Your friends may not always respect your boundaries, but you can respect them for yourself. I’m sorry for the heartbreak, it is never easy. Bless the connection and give it space, even if it means letting it go.
Comment by Lisa Trank — April 9, 2018 @ 2:09 pm
I love what you said, Lisa, and how you said it. You’re right, we can find gifts in our connections with others without having to control anything. I call that “loving with an open hand”. It’s any important reminder in friendships and in parenting, as well. Thank you for weighing in!
Comment by Annie — April 9, 2018 @ 2:16 pm
Thank you so much Annie Fox for helping tweens and teens with all the ins & outs of friendships and relating that you do with your great books and your blog. Even though my sharing is here to talk about adults it is also meant to help those who are younger.
Too many times what we categorize as a lack of boundaries in others can be a lack of boundaries that exist instead within ourselves.
I have a true story I’d like to share here. Last year I was accused of not having boundaries when I lost a friend who was very dear to me. But the problem with this is that healthy boundaries really begin inside ourselves and how we communicate to others.
What I began to realize, when my friendship fell apart, was that my friend was not good at communicating her changing needs.Changing is the key word here. Unfortunately my friend began to think it was me only who had boundary problems. But if you look at my quote from a written message that I sent to her last year you can see how I was trying so hard to help my friend communicate what she needed from me.
“Always make it easy on yourself & on me and just tell me you’re busy. All that is fine”, I said to her when I realized her obligations with family and her day to day work load was getting heavier and overwhelming.
In a very confusing way I was later threatened and dramatically ‘cut off’ by this same person in an email only a few weeks later. With these threats I knew then that this friend had way over-stepped my own boundaries and that she had abused and hurt herself, and me also, in the mix. But even with all this I still realized something else. . .
“Breaking away from certain individuals won’t help you get better at defending your boundaries. Make sure you’ve done your own work before giving up on others”. That’s what psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson said in a 2016 article in ‘Psychology Today’ magazine.
All in all I too often stubbornly want only peace to exist between myself and everyone else I know and care about. That might not be very realistic though. I have needed to give up on trying for peace now with this friend and let her come toward me, or not, if/or as she wishes.
But here’s the big message. It’s very important these days not to put our emotions inside a small box where no communication happens with friends. We all do need to let our boundaries be fluid and beneficial in ways that can help us, and others, and not become problems for us.
Comment by Leigh — August 17, 2018 @ 1:46 pm
Thank you, Leigh, for sharing this story and for sharing the insights you gained from what happened with this friend. That tells me a lot about your ability to take what you’ve learned from any situation and use it to make yourself stronger and more compassionate. You’re absolutely correct when you say that healthy boundaries begin with the way we treat ourselves. Yes! Communication is the key to understanding and understanding is the key to compassion and love.
Comment by Annie — August 17, 2018 @ 4:00 pm