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July 4, 2013
Happy 237th Birthday, America. ( You don’t look a day over 200.)
 Great risks reap great rewards From the beginning we’ve been an experiment in democracy. But before we got our license to own and operate our own place, we teenage colonies had to break away from the mother country. (We’ll always love you, England. Sorry, we haven’t called in a while, but we’ve kinda busy here in the lab, electing our first African American president, passing the Affordable Health Care Act, getting rid of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, supporting Marriage Equality in 14 states, striking down DOMA, and passing an Immigration Reform bill through the Senate. Will you be around Monday night?)
Like I said, we’ve been swamped, but today, we’re taking a break to celebrate the anniversary of our Declaration of Independence. Let’s also offer a toast to independence of the more personal kind: the journey our children make toward adulthood and how we parents are transformed profoundly during our role as our kids’ teachers and mentors.
In case you can use a break from the bar-b-que, beer and fireworks, here’s a smorgasbord of posts focusing on personal freedom and power.
My kid is starting (kindergarten, middle school, high school, college, real life) YIKES!
Is your kid an independent thinker or a “Sheeple?”
Sometimes a little less independence is a good thing
Declaring independence isn’t so easy for girls and their best friends
Teen girl’s road to independence goes through Victoria’s Secret
Freedom from a friendship “Loyalty Oath”
Graduating toward independence with a fashion statement that Mom hates
Kids just wanna be free
OK, I’m outta here. Enjoy your holiday weekend. Stay safe.
 There's a party going on
July 1, 2013
Last June our sweet Josie dog died at age three. Ate something on a hike in the woods. Gone 30 minutes later.
A part of me broke that day. Stayed badly broken for six months.
Then the healing began and the yearning… for a dog. But we held off because being dog-less has its perks. No mandatory walks in the rain. No Poop Patrol in the backyard. No ticks. No need to vacuum. (OK, we still vacuum, but not because we’re blanketed in dog hair). And no date night worries “Is the dog OK?” Still wanted a dog because well, I need to nurture and plants don’t wag.
So this Independence Week I say, it’s possible to want less independence. David and I have been coming and going as we please for a year but that ended last Friday, New Puppy Adoption Day. With the help of the wonderful folks of Copper’s Dream, we rescued 3 month old Gracie from a shelter in rural California. Now she’s home, with us.
We’re less independent but more whole.
 Say, "Glad to be home, Gracie!"
June 24, 2013
 Flying free It’s a bit early for 4th of July, but never too early to talk about independence, especially if you’ve got tweens or teens.
In my parenting workshops I often ask moms and dads: “What did you want more of from your parents?” Answers vary, but “independence” always tops the list along with “understanding” and “patience.” If that sounds familiar then you can understand why your kids probably want the same from you. Just like us, our kids are programmed to become independent.
The moment she emerges from the dark and narrow place, the infant begins exploring, compulsively gathering knowledge she’ll use on her journey. That journey is filled with unknowns and kids are easily overwhelmed. Since they must keep moving forward (the only direction Life goes), we offer reassurance: “You’re safe with me.” “I won’t let anything hurt you.” “Don’t worry. I’m here.” And we remain vigilant. Not because the world our kids inhabit is inherently evil or dangerous. It isn’t. We watch over them because our concern for their wellbeing is programmed into the deep recesses of our mammalian brain. We celebrate when they’re happy. We commiserate when they’ve experienced loss. We fight for justice on their behalf. We do all within our power to keep away everything that is uncomfortable and unfortunate. Our kids aren’t even free to be bored!
Maybe we protect them too much.
Here’s where I make a pitch for a little old fashioned benign neglect, i.e., letting kids do things on their own with the real possibility of making mistakes and yes, even failing. Without benign neglect, 21st century kids don’t have a lot of independence to explore, get messy and mess up. Kids with over-functioning parents have trouble developing real self-esteem and self confidence. Without the freedom to experience frustration and (age-appropriate) risk-taking, tweens and teens miss major opportunities to process disappointment and build resilience.
Some questions to think about:
- What’s the difference between a parent’s natural protectiveness and over-protectiveness?
- On a 1-10 scale, how would you rate yourself as a parent? (1=I’m a totally hands-off parent, 10=I haven’t relaxed since the day my child was born!) Now ask your child to rate you. If there’s a wide discrepancy, talk about it.
- In the past year, how has your child exhibited his or her growing independence? How have you responded?
- How have you encouraged and helped your child become more independent?
- In what ways might your fears (or the fears of your partner) be an obstacle to your child’s developing independence?
As our kids move toward young adulthood, maybe we should focus less on keeping them happy and more on helping them become independent thinkers with good judgment. In order to get there, they need ongoing opportunities to fly free.
Happy Birthday, America. Here’s to independence!
May 28, 2013
 Reliable+Strong+Gentle=Dad
Any dude can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad. Dads are all in, heart and mind, for the long haul, encouraging their kids to become self-reliant young adults. Dads also teach by example that everyone (including children) deserves respect. When we see people treated unfairly it’s not enough to feel uncomfortable. Dads help their sons and daughters develop the social courage it takes to make things better.
OK. Enough of the high-level stuff. Let’s talk in-the-trenches, day-to-day. How does Dad do his best for his kids, especially when they are teens? Check out these tips. Make them part of your daily routine and you’re on your way:
- Be a safe person to talk to. When your child wants to discuss tongue piercing, a solo cross-country trip, or dropping out of school to pursue hip-hop, stay calm. Take a deep breath. Take ten of them. Fyi, no one’s asking you to approve of every one of your kid’s crazy ideas. But kids need you to listen with respect. And if they ask for advice (don’t give it if they don’t ask), be a consultant and offer your wisest counsel. But do not freak out. Otherwise, they won’t seek your input; they’ll just go behind your back and do whatever they damn please. Which they may do anyway, but at least your voice will be in their head and yes, that can be a powerful antidote to stupidity.
- Catch them in the act of doing something right. Some fathers believe you teach responsibility by berating kids when they mess up. That’s actually backwards and Dad knows it. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. No quibble there. But your kid is more likely to do the right thing consistently when you notice. You don’t need to throw a pizza party or give out gold stickers. Just say something simple like: “It was nice of you to help your brother with his homework.” End of celebration. Simply praise the behavior you want to see more of. It works with kids. Spouses, too.
- Show your squishy side. There are plenty of fathers who act all mucho macho. But Dad isn’t afraid to express “softer” emotions in front of his kids. He’s also equally at ease when his girls and his boys are upset. When you show your family it’s more than OK to cry, to be afraid, to be compassionate, you teach your sons what it means to be a real (hu)man. And you raise the bar for the kind of partner your daughter will want.
Dads, your love, support and encouragement are essential to your children’s health and well being, so keep up the good work. And Happy Dad’s Day. Enjoy the attention. You deserve it.
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