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June 3, 2014
 You can’t tell me “I can’t have it!!!!” Kids only learn to whine when frustrated if whining gets them what they want. They do it because it works. It doesn’t even have to work all the time. It just has to work once in a while for them to try it all the time. When their whining consistently does not work (because we have taught them it doesn’t) then they don’t bother… ever. That doesn’t mean kids who don’t whine don’t get frustrated. Of course they do! They just use their frustration as a signal to calm down and think about solutions.
So have a look in the mirror. If you’ve got a kid who excels in whining, congratulations, you have trained him or her brilliantly. It doesn’t matter that you can’t stand the behavior or that it makes you feel like screaming “Shut up! You’re driving me crazy!” This evidence of Mom or Dad’s frayed innards is exactly what the child’s going for. When they know we’re on edge, they may secretly rejoice because they understand they’re closer to what they want (the candy, the toy, the extra 30 minutes to watch the end of this show, the permission to do whatever it is for which you don’t feel good about giving your permission, etc. etc.)
If parents truly want kids to learn more mature, respectful, and constructive responses to life’s frustrations, do not reward the behavior you hate. When you calmly refuse to engage in the infuriating back and forth, your kid experiences a teachable moment. In this case the lesson is: “This whiney BS does not work. I’m not going to waste my time any more.”
So, if you want to transform a kid who whines into a problem solver, start with this:
PARENT: “Sweetie pie, I owe you an apology.”
KID: “Huh?”
PARENT: “I am really really sorry. It’s my job to teach you how to deal with frustration so you can solve problems and do more things for yourself. But I haven’t been doing my job lately. Nope. Not when it comes to this. I’m sorry about that and I’m going to do much better starting now.”
KID: “What do you mean?”
PARENT: “I heard you whining. What are you frustrated about?”
KID: “I can’t button these buttons!”
PARENT: “How can I help you?”
KID: “You do it!”
PARENT: “Nope. Not going to do it for you, but I will help you learn to do it yourself.”
KID: “NOOOOO! I just want you to do it!”
Your old impulse to rush in (shut down the whining and button the damn buttons) is strong. But now that you’ve seen the light, your resolve to do your parenting job is even stronger.
Put on your oxygen mask… inhale slowly and evenly… and teach the child to button a button. This could take a while. But that’s OK you will make the time you need. You’re a teacher. You’re in the zone. Use only positive words as you praise all efforts no matter how tiny. Cheer on all progress. Take breaks when little fingers get tired. Have a snack then get back to the task at hand. Use humor. And reward success with high fives and the happy dance.
Make this a positive experience and guaranteed your child will not whine about buttons again. Instead, he’ll be busting with pride that he’s learned a new skill on the road to independence.
Wow, that was fun. What’s next?
Check out my 3min answer to the ‘Whiny Child” question on Vidoyen.
May 30, 2014
 How come all conversations aren’t this full of life? I first heard about Glennon Melton (@Momastery) on Twitter. One link led to another, as so many do, and I found myself watching, no devouring her very funny, poignant, smart TedX talk.
I immediately reached out for a review copy of her book Carry On, Warrior: The power of embracing your messy, beautiful life because I love freebies and I actually wanted to get inside this woman’s head some more. I read the book in like two days. Laughed (a lot), thought (a lot), and cried (a bit). I was hooked on this flamboyant, authentic writer who’s got something special going on. I can say that with authenticity because I read a lot of parenting books. (Shameless plug alert! Why yes, I have written one myself. Thank you so much for asking.) But how can anyone resist a book with delicious sentences and paragraphs like these?
The other night at dinner, Craig and I demanded that the kids clean their plates even though dinner was, admittedly, gross. One nanosecond before this suggestion was made, we were laughing, talking about Daddy’s day at work, planning our upcoming weekend, and generally feeling like a lovely, well-adjusted family. Then–ambushed by ourselves again–there was crying, screaming, heads banging on tables. Immediate anarchy. Instant chaos.
My first instinct is to remember that yes, this chaos is proof that I have ruined my life and the lives of everyone in my home and that we are a disaster of a family and that no mother, in the entire history of mothers, has ever been forced to endure the drama, decibels, and general suffering of this moment. My instinct is to tear my clothes and throw myself on the floor and bawl and cry out worthless declarations like, “I can’t TAKE this anymore!” My first instinct is to allow my anxiety and angst to pour out like gasoline on a raging fire and indulge in a full-on mommy meltdown.
This, Craig suggests, is not helpful.
I, for one, could not resist. Nope. Especially not after reading that last sentence. And apparently a bunch of other sisters of another mother couldn’t either as Carry on, Warrior is now a New York Times bestseller. (Way to go, Glennon!)
So I just had to interview Glennon for my Family Confidential podcast. I did and, oh Momma, did we have a blast. You can listen in here.
May 27, 2014
 You started it! Empathy training begins at home. So does compassion training, truth-telling, good listening skills, and bullying prevention. And you thought helping with 7th grade math was going to be the hard part!
We want our kids to learn to be good people and most of us know that doesn’t happen solely by osmosis. So we teach them and we do such a good job that by the time they are five, they say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” on command. Underneath the programmed responses is the beginning of kids’ awareness of the right way right to treat other people vs. the wrong way. But because they are young humans they mess up. Often. They lash out and hurt the feelings and body parts of other children. And we hear about it. Yet no matter how many after-the-fact conversations that begin with “How would you feel if he did that to you?” they will continue to go out of their way to hurt other kids. So what’s up with that? Are your kids “bad”? No. Even though they do bad things, they aren’t bad kids. And don’t you dare think they are or, god forbid, tell them that!
Since they’re not bad, why do they keep doing this hurtful stuff? Simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration and poor-me-ism, to name a few peace-busters guaranteed to bring out the worst in our species.) Consequently, kids of all ages maim first first and ask forgiveness afterwards. Another reason they do stuff they know isn’t OK is because they’ve constructed a set of handy justifications that makes it OK.
Because most kids get their peer relationship training with their siblings, cousins, and close family friends, let’s imagine a typical sister-brother conflict in your home. Suppose your 7 year old daughter purposely wrecks the Lego castle your 5 year old son’s been building all afternoon. He’s crying and screaming and you yell at her, “Why did you do that?!” Turn down the volume for a sec and listen to her justifications:
1. I didn’t do anything.
2. I thought he wanted my help.
3. I thought he was finished.
4. It was already broken.
5. He always hogs the ____.
6. He always blames me for everything.
7. He’s annoying.
8. His stuff was in my way.
9. He was doing it wrong.
10. You always take his side.
What can you say to any of this? Your own destructive emotions have launched surface to air missiles from your eyeballs and your tone of voice is ugly and scary. But who can blame you? This is already the third … no fourth… fight between these two and it’s only Saturday afternoon of this loong “Happy Holiday Weekend.” So if you’re not in your “Calm Mommy” place hey, we get it. But if you were sane and centered enough to actually hear and acknowledge every one of your daughter’s justifications (which doesn’t mean you’ve got to agree with any of them) she could rattle them off and pile them neatly to one side and maybe, just maybe, she’d then feel safe enough to lift the lid on her anger, tentatively reveal the soft underbelly of her heart, and tell you the real reason she’s determined to destroy her brother’s happiness.
Sniff… whimper… “I think you love him more than me.”
What do you say now, Mom?
May 21, 2014
 Let’s figure out this friendship stuff together This is part 2 of the very cool Skype in the Classroom session I had Monday with a class of Philadelphia 8th graders. (Here’s Part 1) I’m all about giving students ongoing, safe places to get real about the challenges of friendships. It’s important to their personal well-being and to a positive school climate.
Student: Annie, what if you have friends who act cool when they’re with you but other times, when they’re with other people, they act really different with you?
What have you tried so far?
Student: I ask them, “Why do you act different with your friends than when you’re with me?” And they said, “I don’t know what you mean!”
All of that “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” is B.S. What you’re describing is The Switcheroo. When it’s just you and your friend, things are cool. Then you add one or two other people and suddenly you’ve switched channels and I don’t even know this person who is supposed to be my best friend. I’m wondering, “Why are you treating me this way?!”
Props to you for asking him what was going on. That was very brave. Most people would feel bad about the way they were being treated in, but they aren’t likely to talk about it. You took the extra step and I have a lot of respect for you.
So you asked your friend about it and he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That wasn’t true. He knew exactly what you’re talking about. But he didn’t feel proud of the way he’s been treating you, so he wouldn’t admit it.
If that happens again, I suggest you find the EXIT. You may not have ever thought of this, but there is an exit for every friendship. And sometime you just have to give yourself permission to walk through it. You can leave without making a big announcement. You can just say, “I’ll catch you later.” And you leave and spend time on your own doing thing or you hang out with other friends who treat you with more respect, or you take your dog for a walk. Whatever it is, just leave. Because there is no reason to stay with people who are not treating you well. Zero reason. Don’t do that.
Exactly how long do you stay away from this friend or friends? That depends. You could take a short vacation and the next day your friend may ask why you left. Be honest. You can say, “When you’re with other people you don’t treat me very well, so I left.” That gives him something to think about. And maybe the next time he’s with you and other people, he’ll treat you better. Or he won’t.
Sometimes, though, you go through the exit and you never come back to the friendship. And that’s ok too. Sometimes you end a friendship because you’ve outgrown it or because you get a new idea about how you want to be treated. It’s all ok. Just don’t talk about the person after you’ve gone through the exit. That’s not cool. It’s just gossip. Not important.
Before we ran out of time I asked the students what they usually learned in this class with this teacher. And they told me they learned math and science. This wasn’t the answer I expected, so I asked the teacher why he wanted his students to get a Skype lesson on Real Friends vs the Other Kind.
Teacher: We meet once a week, on Monday mornings, and have open discussions where people talk about their lives and share. And friendship is an important topic for us to talk about.
You guys are very lucky to have a teacher who prioritizes this stuff. Someone who says, “This may not be math or science, but it’s important. And I want to give you a platform to talk about it.” That’s awesome. There are not enough teachers like this one. You’re very lucky.
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