Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

School Climate: Changing the forecast by raising EQ (Emotional Intelligence)

June 27, 2012

The following is an excerpt from the keynote speech I delivered yesterday at the 18th Annual Character Education Conference in St. Louis.

Showing we care is a good thing

We are human and by definition that means we are vulnerable. Unlike any other creatures, we are aware of our own mortality and so we experience worry and grief. We also know the joys of working together and supporting each other. We celebrate. We nurture. We protect. Because we can be so loving, we sometimes suffer rejection and loss. We trust. We open up and give of ourselves, and sometimes we feel betrayed.

In Teen World, aggressive anger is OK, but real vulnerability, are you kidding me? Teens get clear messages from peers to stay away from vulnerable emotions… especially in public. If you are hurt, don’t show it. If you are disappointed, don’t show it. If you love someone, don’t show it. Slip up and let some vulnerability bleed through the veneer and you are a baby. A wuss. A wimp. You are a pathetic loser.

Wrong! I am a human being.

Teaching kids to be good people means helping them understand and accept the broad spectrum of human emotions. Being afraid is not a cause for shame. Tears are no less acceptable than laughter. It’s all part of the package. If my tears are an honest expression of sadness, grief, joy, why should I hide them from you. Or be embarrassed in front of you?

We are mistaken when we buy into the notion that vulnerability is weakness. Our strength comes from our vulnerability. This may seem counter-intuitive since the word vulnerable derives from the Latin vulnere (meaning “to wound”) A wounded individual is hardly at her strongest, but I see emotions in a different light. Our feelings are our most authentic responses to life. If I am hurt, I cry. If someone is with me, my tears are likely to remind him of sadness he has felt. By responding to me, he acknowledges his own humanity. But if he mocks my tears or tries to push them aside, that indicates he is afraid to respond with compassion. Afraid to show how he has been touched. That he holds himself back from experiencing his full humanity makes me want to reach out and teach, because he is in desperate need of an education.

Unless we can embrace the vulnerable emotions underneath the Anger Lid, it is impossible for us to reach our full human potential. When we feel hurt and choose instead to plaster over our vulnerability with indifference, cool detachment or social aggression, we build walls between us. But if, instead, we are willing to honor our vulnerability, then we can strengthen our connections to other people. Isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to teach our students by creating positive school climates? When we recognize on a deep level that we all experience the same emotions, how can we not empathize with each other? How can we help but reach out in friendship to a person who needs a friend?

Schools that encourage kids to be humane graduate people of good character who are also, good judges of character. When it comes to how we treat each other, the graduates of those schools, have learned to set the bar very high for themselves and for their peers.




  1. Well said, Annie. This is a lesson for all of us.

    Comment by Stephanie Keyes — June 27, 2012 @ 7:43 am

  2. Thanks for weighing in here, Stephanie. Glad the post touched your heart. As Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intelligence) wrote: “If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” It’s so true.

    Comment by Annie — June 27, 2012 @ 7:59 am

  3. Well said. People have the mistaken idea that compassion and love are a weakness, but in actual fact they are a strength. I hope that my novel, ‘You Can’t Shatter Me’ will help those who read it realise that. In case you’re interested, it’s out on ebook now.

    Comment by Tahlia Newland — June 27, 2012 @ 8:12 pm

  4. Wise words – thank you, Annie! A couple of thoughts I had as I read it. 1) Children are far more likely to emulate what they SEE and EXPERIENCE the important adults in their lives doing (especially in our interactions with THEM). We can’t expect kids to do what we are unwilling to do ourselves. 2) In order for kids to be more vulnerable, compassionate, and able to interpret others’ emotions when they are teens, they need a whole childhood of practice. In other words, those of us who are in the early childhood education world need to be helping those teachers (and parents) recognize the value of these attitudes and character traits and know how to nurture them in truly meaningful ways. It takes lots and lots and lots of repetitions to solidify and internalize attitudes and behaviors that go against the norm that kids (or adults for that matter) see all around them.
    Just some thoughts…thanks for starting the conversation!

    Comment by Kathy — June 28, 2012 @ 7:25 am

  5. Agreed, Kathy. All of us who live and work with kids, tweens, teens are part of their ongoing learning environment. Much of the rest of my speech spoke to that point. You might also be interested in this earlier blog post of mine: Maybe We’re Teaching Them Something Else

    Comment by Annie — June 28, 2012 @ 7:45 am

  6. […] they keep doing this hurtful stuff? Simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration and poor-me-ism, to name a few peace-busters guaranteed […]

    Pingback by 10 common BS excuses from kids and what’s behind them | Annie Fox's Blog — May 27, 2014 @ 4:22 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment


Find Annie Fox: Find Annie on Facebook Find Annie on Twitter Find Annie on Pinterest Find Annie on YouTube Find Annie on Google+ Find Annie on LinkedIn Find Annie on Goodreads Find Annie on Quora