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March 24, 2019
 I wish I had a boyfriend… I just got an email from a girl who’s never had a boyfriend and she really wants one. We’ve all been there, right? Everyone deserves to be loved. Being loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling that nurtures your spirit and opens your heart and mind to the beauty of life. If you aren’t in a relationship and you want to be, you may feel frustrated and/or impatient. But you know what they say? You can’t hurry love. You can, however, prepare yourself to be a good partner by learning about yourself, what you want, and what you need.
Teen: I’m a 16 year old girl who never had a boyfriend before but I really want one. The thing is, I’m kind of shy so I’m not that good at flirting!
Annie: It might be helpful for you to think about what kind of boyfriend you’re looking for. How about if you fill in the blank in this sentence?
I want a boyfriend who is __________________________________________.
Keep brainstorming until you run out of things that are true for you.
Teen: I want a boyfriend who is: loyal, friendly, kind, respects boundaries, a good listener, and willing to try new things.
Annie: That’s a very thoughtful list of qualities. Good work. So tell me, do you already know someone with any or some of those qualities?
Teen: There’s one boy I know who actually has most of those qualities, but I’m not sure I have a chance with him and I’m not sure if he’s single or looking for a relationship. He’s about a a year older than me. We’re in an after school club together, but I’ve known him since last year outside of it.
Annie: With all those positive qualities, he sounds like a really good guy. Keep building the friendship. Maybe the friendship will grow into a romance, but even if it doesn’t, you are learning more about what you want and need in a relationship. That’s important!
btw, you might also be thinking about what you have to give, because a relationship is a 2-way street. It’s not just about what you want from someone, it’s also about what you have to offer.
Bottom line, try not to get too hung up about the boyfriend thing. I understand this might be hard, especially if it seems like everyone in your school is coupled up. I’ve been stuck in the “I wish I had a boyfriend” trap and I can honestly say wishing and hoping for love is a major waste of time, energy, and emotion that can be better spent doing a million other things. Love happens when it happens, and not a moment before. You can’t plan for it or schedule it. But you can always love yourself more and focus on becoming the best version of you. That means exploring your interests and passions, developing new talents and skills, and putting your gifts to good use. And while you’re at it, think about your goals in life. Dream big. You have so much more to accomplish than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.”
Oh, yeah, you do!
July 10, 2016
 When is it my turn to be loved? If you really want a bf/gf, but don’t have one, and everyone else does, it can bring you down. You may wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” I totally remember feeling this way in high school. It sucked. Once you buy a ticket to ride that depressing train of thought, you’ll assume you don’t have enough of whatever you think you need to be loved. (“I’m not hot enough, not cool enough, not thin enough, not buff enough, not outgoing enough, etc. etc. etc.”)
So I understand what’s going on when I get an email like this one:
Hey Terra –
I shouldn’t be upset about this but I am. I’m going to be 16 soon and I’ve never had a boyfriend or even had a guy ask me out. I’m worried I’ll be unprepared for a real committed relationship and be forever alone. I really want to know what that teenager rush of young love feels like that so many of my friends have experienced. What do I do? – Ms. Loveless
Dear Ms. Loveless,
I understand where you’re coming from. But please don’t assume that teen relationships prepare you for “real” committed adult relationships based on mutual trust, respect, honesty, shared values, open communication. They rarely do. You need to be an adult to have an adult relationship. As intelligent and mature as you seem to be, you are still becoming an adult, not there yet. You are still a full-time student, still living in your parents’ home, being supported and supervised by them. As it should be… for now.
You say that so many of your friends have experienced the “teenager rush of young love” and you want to feel it, too. It will happen. I guarantee it. I can’t say when, but it will. So don’t worry about that. You should also not assume that you will be “forever alone,” though I understand, in your current loneliness, why you might believe it. It’s not true. So you can relax on that score as well.
You want a boyfriend. That’s an awesome goal. Start working toward it with your eyes wide open. Make a list of the characteristics you want in a boyfriend. What’s important to you? (Honesty? Intelligence? A sense of humor? ) Make as detailed a list as you want. This will get you thinking about what you value most in the people you are closest to. And while you’re making lists, take a shot at listing all the positive characteristics you posses. That will put you into a mindset of being more confident about what you’ve got to offer in a relationship.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
June 23, 2016
 What does she think it means to have a boyfriend? Sometimes our kids say they’re ready for the next step toward independence and we totally agree. We celebrate the milestone, brief them on the house rules, making double sure we’re all on the same page, then we let them go and hold our breath. When they stumble, we listen with compassion and as much patience as we can muster. We help them evaluate their mistakes and we hold them accountable. And they do better next time.
That’s how we all learn.
But sometimes we’re just not convinced they’re ready, no matter how fiercely they lobby us. Then what? That’s where this mom finds herself…
Dear Annie:
Is it okay for my 12-year-old to have a boyfriend if she seems emotionally ready? She seems pretty mature when it comes to situations like this, but is she too young? – Worried Mom
Important question. Glad she asked. Here’s my response…
Dear Worried Mom:
Is this an abstract question coming from your daughter or does she already have a boyfriend and is trying to back-date the permission slip?
You ask “Is it okay?” and you sign your letter Worried Mom. That tells me you don’t think it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what I think. She’s twelve. You’re her mom. You make the rules. But it’s not always that simple, is it? Twelve-year-olds can be super persistent. Maybe your “mature” daughter has been crying and screaming at you for a year that she’s the only one not allowed to date and that she hates how you still treat her like a baby!
That’s hard to take. But don’t let her bully you into saying “yes” to anything you’re not comfortable with. On the other hand, you shouldn’t automatically say “no” without digging deeper.
Be strategic.
You say she is “emotionally ready” and “pretty mature when it comes to situations like this.” Emotionally ready for what, exactly? What “situations” are we talking about? What does your daughter mean when she talks about having a boyfriend? What does she believe is involved in being someone’s girlfriend? What does she think this kind of relationship means to the boy? Not sure? Ask her. Maybe not the easiest question for a 12-year-old to answer, but it’s important for her to think about it and share her thoughts with you. The way she thinks about it may determine how she behaves when you’re not around.
For example, does having a boyfriend mean that she and the boy text and snap chat and hang out together at lunch but never actually see each other outside of school? Or does it mean the two of them go to movies or the mall just the two of them… (public unsupervised time)? Does it mean they go to each other’s homes and hang out in each other’s bedrooms? (private unsupervised time)?
Lots to talk about. Her responses will give you insight into how “emotionally ready” and “mature” your daughter actually is when it comes to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
P.S. You might want to check out Annie’s 10 Tips for Teaching Your Daughter Relationship Smarts.
February 7, 2016
Hey Terra!
I’ve been experiencing some moral differences with my parents. I’ve always idolized my them, but recently, I’ve realized I simply can’t agree with some of their ideas.
On a recent trip we took public transportation and most of the people riding with us were African Americans. My mom kept whispering derogatory racist remarks to me and my sister. And just a few days ago, my mom argued that a person’s skin color and other aspects of appearance are a direct link to the quality of the person.
I love my parents, but it makes me confused when I disagree so vehemently with people I care about. Racism is a big issue and I hate to see my parents contribute to it.
How should I respond when they bring up or argue this topic again? Is debating with them a viable solution? – Confused
 Talk to the hand. I am very proud of you for recognizing racist remarks when you hear them and knowing it’s not ok to talk like that. Even if these remarks come from someone you love and idolize (like your parents) a racist comment is still a racist comment! You’re right. Racism is a big issue and you have chosen to be part of the solution, not the problem. I admire you for taking that role.
So how should you respond when parents try to argue their ignorant perspective? Great question! To discover the answer you first need to examine the answer to this question: “When it comes to other people’s attitudes, opinions, feelings, thoughts and behavior what power do I have?” You sound like an extremely intelligent individual so you probably don’t need me to tell you that you have no power over what others think or feel or do. Zero. But you do have 100% control over your own behavior.
Because you are uncomfortable with hate speech, you can simply hold up your hand and say to your parents, “Stop. I don’t want to hear this kind of talk.” You can do that with conviction, but without rudeness or anger. You have the right to respectfully set boundaries for their hate speech in your space. Will this change your parents’ attitudes about people who are different from themselves? Not likely, but at least they will know it is not OK with you to speak this way in front of you.
Your thoughts?
In friendship,
Terra
Hi Terra,
I’m so grateful to know there is a reasonable way to stop these conversations when they start without adding fuel to the fire. Thanks again! – Less Confused
Glad to help.
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“My parents are racist!”
February 7, 2016
Talk to the hand.
I am very proud of you for recognizing racist remarks when you hear them and knowing it’s not ok to talk like that. Even if these remarks come from someone you love and idolize (like your parents) a racist comment is still a racist comment! You’re right. Racism is a big issue and you have chosen to be part of the solution, not the problem. I admire you for taking that role.
So how should you respond when parents try to argue their ignorant perspective? Great question! To discover the answer you first need to examine the answer to this question: “When it comes to other people’s attitudes, opinions, feelings, thoughts and behavior what power do I have?” You sound like an extremely intelligent individual so you probably don’t need me to tell you that you have no power over what others think or feel or do. Zero. But you do have 100% control over your own behavior.
Because you are uncomfortable with hate speech, you can simply hold up your hand and say to your parents, “Stop. I don’t want to hear this kind of talk.” You can do that with conviction, but without rudeness or anger. You have the right to respectfully set boundaries for their hate speech in your space. Will this change your parents’ attitudes about people who are different from themselves? Not likely, but at least they will know it is not OK with you to speak this way in front of you.
Your thoughts?
In friendship,
Terra
Glad to help.