Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

What should I do about my clingy friend?

July 27, 2018

I need more space

It’s been a while since I updated my blog. Just to let you know, I have not been slacking. Most of my work is done at schools, so summer is typically a time for other projects. I’m working on a YA novel. It’s going slowly, thank you, and I appreciate having this time to make progress. That said, I got an email from a tween this morning and thought it might help you and your daughter, because we all know that girl friendship drama rarely takes a summer vacation.

Tween: I’ve known Friend A for 4 years. I have another friend who I’m now closer to. Friend A just wants me to be with her alone. I have tried to include her with my other friend, or any of my friends but she never wants to do what we’re doing. She tries to squeeze in between me and whoever I’m sitting or standing next to. She over-compliments me for everything and it makes me embarrassed. She’s always hugging me and trying to hook arms with me. It bothers me a lot and it seems to get worse every day. I don’t want to be mean to her but I’m really getting so annoyed! – Strangled

Annie: I understand your challenge. Friendships change. Sounds like this one has. Friend A likes you very much. That’s a good thing. She’s used to having you as her best and only friend. She may be clingy because she’s afraid she’ll lose the friendship. For some people, change can be a scary thing. You can understand that, can’t you?

Friend A may not feel confident in herself and she may worry that others won’t want to be her friend. That’s kinda sad. But it is not your problem if she feels uncertain about her ability to make new friends. That’s something she has to figure out for herself. She can and she will!

Let’s talk about what you can do to make this situation better.

You are a kind-hearted person. That’s a very good thing! But it’s also a very good thing to set boundaries for your friends and let them know what you want and need in the friendship. Have you ever told Friend A that her compliments and hugs upset you? If you haven’t, how is she supposed to know?

You have the right to spend time with people who want to spend time with you. You also have the right to demand more space than this girl is giving you.

What are your options here?

a) Stay silent, keep smiling, and pretend this doesn’t bother you.

b) Tell her you don’t want to be her friend any more and that she’d better just stay away from you

c) Stop talking to her altogether (Give her the silent treatment.)

d) Have a private conversation with her. Tell her that she is your friend and you also like to spend time with other friends.

e) Tell her you’ve noticed how upset she gets when you are with other people. Give her an example of something she does that upsets you. Ask for her ideas of how you two can stay friends and have more fun and less stress.

Which of these options sound helpful? (There might be more than one.) Which ones would not be helpful to you, the girl, or the friendship?

Think about it.

In friendship,
Annie

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Declaring independence isn’t so easy for girls

June 28, 2013

As I wrote in April, I’m currently working on The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship with the amazing illustrator, Erica De Chavez. We’ve been having a blast on this collaboration and that’s always a good sign about the finished product!

Easing into the looong Fourth of July weekend (Why not start celebrating now?)  I thought I’d give you another sneak peek at the book, since we’ve been talking about independence and this question from a 5th grader couldn’t be more on topic.

Even bff’s need independence (from The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, by Annie Fox, illustrated by Erica De Chavez, © 2014 by Annie Fox and Erica De Chavez. Now available)

Q: My best friend doesn’t like me doing anything on my own. But when I don’t have time to do what I love, I don’t feel like I’m really me!

A: Best friends do not need to do everything together. You are both allowed to have time away from each other. It’s cool to be able to do things on your own, like read or draw, play sports, ride your bike or just to sit and daydream. Independence is a good thing.

It sounds like your friend really doesn’t understand how important “on my own” time is to you. Maybe she doesn’t understand because it’s not the same with her or maybe you’ve just never talked about it. How about telling her? If, for example, you like to draw, you might say something like this, “Sometimes, I’d rather draw than do anything else. When I’m in one of those ‘I need to draw’ moods, I want you to let me draw without getting upset with me.”

You might also ask her what she likes to do when she’s on her own. This kind of conversation can help the two of you understand each other better and that can help the friendship become stronger.

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Check out other sneak peeks of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship here and here.


UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerptreviews, and to order your copy.

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Guest Blogger: Little Girls/Big Drama

June 28, 2010

By Dalia

My guest blogger today is the founder of GenerationX Mom Blog where she’s created a forum for Gen X moms to freely opine about “…school issues, social issues, preschoolers, tweens, teens, the issues that affect our lives, and just about everything in between.”

Recently while chaperoning my 5th grade daughter’s school dance I endured quite an entertaining night.  My job was to guard the door to make sure no one tried to escape and to keep an eye on the bathrooms. I thought, This will be a boring night. Never did I imagine the drama I would see!

One of the other chaperones told me to give it about an hour and then the show will start.  She was right.  About an hour later, out came the girls.  I was a bit appalled at the way some of them were dressed.  Fifth grade girls with obvious makeup, somewhat revealing clothes and tight pants.  Some even wore high heels.

The drama started with girls heading to the bathroom.  Next, a girl in tears running to the bathroom.  Closely behind, two more girls running to her rescue.  A few minutes later another girl quickly running toward the door in tears with her dark black mascara running down her face.  This went on for about two hours.  These girls were upset that another friend was dancing with “her boyfriend” or flirting with “the boyfriend.” Are you serious?  These girls are in 5th grade.  They insisted they “needed air” and had to get outside.  A whole group of consoling, sobbing girls in the bathroom, whipping out their cell phones to inform another friend of the story.

Insane!  These girls are kids.  Why are they not having a great time instead of worrying about these things?  I cannot imagine what these girls will be like as they progress through middle school and high school, not to mention adulthood.  Let me add one more thing…not one boy passed in my direction at the dance.  They were all having a grand old time.

My daughter was not part of this hysteria.  She and her friends visited me a few times and noted too how crazy these other girls were being  It got me thinking, what was it that made these girls so dramatic and my daughter and her friends not?

After the dance I started taking more notice of the “drama” queens.  A large majority of them seemed to have moms or big sisters who tend to be a part of drama themselves.

Some people are very entertained by drama.  Some people create drama wherever they go.  The woman at the supermarket who makes a giant ruckus (loud enough for everyone to hear) because the checkout line is too long. The neighbor who yells loud enough for the whole street to hear when she is upset.

That night I realized my daughter was not raised this way.  She’s aware of the drama and sees it as “crazy.”  She realizes that this is not the way she wants to be.  So I continue to ask myself, Why? I have always pointed people like this out to her and explained (in an appropriate way): You don’t want to be this way. These people are not happy people and you want to be happy. I have also taught my daughter to stay out of the drama.  Don’t get involved.  Drama is addicting…and catchy.  Stay away.  You are better off.

What we teach our kids and the actions we show them have so much to do with how they grow up. Show them how we react in situations like this and more than likely they will follow suit.

Why do you think these girls are so caught up in drama at this age?

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 12:39 pm
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