girls' friendship drama | Annie Fox's Blog

What should I do about my clingy friend?

July 27, 2018

I need more space

It’s been a while since I updated my blog. Just to let you know, I have not been slacking. Most of my work is done at schools, so summer is typically a time for other projects. I’m working on a YA novel. It’s going slowly, thank you, and I appreciate having this time to make progress. That said, I got an email from a tween this morning and thought it might help you and your daughter, because we all know that girl friendship drama rarely takes a summer vacation.

Tween: I’ve known Friend A for 4 years. I have another friend who I’m now closer to. Friend A just wants me to be with her alone. I have tried to include her with my other friend, or any of my friends but she never wants to do what we’re doing. She tries to squeeze in between me and whoever I’m sitting or standing next to. She over-compliments me for everything and it makes me embarrassed. She’s always hugging me and trying to hook arms with me. It bothers me a lot and it seems to get worse every day. I don’t want to be mean to her but I’m really getting so annoyed! – Strangled

Annie: I understand your challenge. Friendships change. Sounds like this one has. Friend A likes you very much. That’s a good thing. She’s used to having you as her best and only friend. She may be clingy because she’s afraid she’ll lose the friendship. For some people, change can be a scary thing. You can understand that, can’t you?

Friend A may not feel confident in herself and she may worry that others won’t want to be her friend. That’s kinda sad. But it is not your problem if she feels uncertain about her ability to make new friends. That’s something she has to figure out for herself. She can and she will!

Let’s talk about what you can do to make this situation better.

You are a kind-hearted person. That’s a very good thing! But it’s also a very good thing to set boundaries for your friends and let them know what you want and need in the friendship. Have you ever told Friend A that her compliments and hugs upset you? If you haven’t, how is she supposed to know?

You have the right to spend time with people who want to spend time with you. You also have the right to demand more space than this girl is giving you.

What are your options here?

a) Stay silent, keep smiling, and pretend this doesn’t bother you.

b) Tell her you don’t want to be her friend any more and that she’d better just stay away from you

c) Stop talking to her altogether (Give her the silent treatment.)

d) Have a private conversation with her. Tell her that she is your friend and you also like to spend time with other friends.

e) Tell her you’ve noticed how upset she gets when you are with other people. Give her an example of something she does that upsets you. Ask for her ideas of how you two can stay friends and have more fun and less stress.

Which of these options sound helpful? (There might be more than one.) Which ones would not be helpful to you, the girl, or the friendship?

Think about it.

In friendship,
Annie

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“I try to tell my best friend I don’t want her help, but she gets mad.”

January 5, 2018

Twenty years ago I set up shop as Hey Terra at TheInSite.org to help teens manage their emotions responsibly so they can develop self-respect and maintain healthier relationships. 50K teen emails later, the most common question I get is still about the challenges of dealing with feelings and speaking up for oneself in a friendship.

I know exactly what you need!

Our kids don’t know how to resolve peer conflicts non-violently. Retaliating with social garbage is a form of violence. Suffering silently is a form of self-inflicted violence. If teens can’t master interpersonal skills, it doesn’t matter how high their GPA is, they’re not going to be happy and successful in any measure that counts.

Teen email question #50,001:

Hey Terra,

I’ve never really trusted my best friend with my secrets because she always blurts them out even if she promises she won’t. Recently a boy has been messaging me and telling me that he likes me. Of course went to my best friend and told her. She asked if I liked him. I said I did. That was a mistake! She told my other friends who I really didn’t want to know because they gossip. Now my best friend is messaging the boy and telling him everything I’ve said about him.

“I’m not really one that stands up for myself cause I don’t want to make other people mad at me. So, sticking up for myself is not really an option here. I know I sound pathetic but I can’t help it.”

Anyways, she keeps saying, “He really likes you!” and it’s making me feel bad because I now realize now that I just want to be friends with him. I’ve told him I don’t want a relationship with him right now and that we are just friends. He’s okay with that but now that my best friend is messaging him he’s like “When will you be ready to date???” I know she is telling him to say this stuff.

I’ve tried to tell her that I’m not really into him any more but she gets mad and is like, “You are so annoying! If I had a chance like this I wouldn’t pass it up, so if you do we won’t be friends anymore.”

I know any person would stick up for themselves but I physically can’t. She will get mad at me and I really don’t want to lose her as a friend. She is my comfort zone we’ve been friends forever. I have other friends but if me and my best friend aren’t friends anymore she will turn them all against me and I’ll have nobody.

I guess what I’m really asking is: What should I say to my friend to make her not be mad if I “breakup” with this boy…? – Scared

Dear Scared,

I understand why you’re scared. Most people would be a little nervous to have a conversation like this. But I don’t buy that you can’t do it. You can. And you really ought to learn how. Slow deep breaths can help make you feel calmer and braver. So does practicing what you want to say before you’re standing in front of the person who needs to hear it.

As scary as talking to your friend may be, it’s important to do it any way. Why? Because if you don’t learn to how to tell people what is and is not okay with you, then you will continue to feel powerless. But if you speak up when someone’s not treating you well, you are much more likely to be respected. And for sure, you’ll have more respect for yourself.

Your friend may mean well or she may just like to be in charge… of everything. Either way, this is your life, not hers. You say if you stick up for yourself she will get mad at you and you’ll risk losing her as a friend. That’s a possibility. But before you decide that is not a risk you ever want to take, please answer this question: What is your definition of a friend?

In your mind, is a best friend someone:

I can’t trust with my secrets because she “always blurts them out even if she promises she won’t?”
who texts a guy and tells him “everything I’ve said about him?”
who blabs my business to other people?
who doesn’t seem to care what I want (in this case: no romantic relationship with this boy)
who keeps pushing forward as a matchmaker when I don’t want her to?
who doesn’t listen to what I say and tells me that I am “so annoying” for wanting to decide when I want to date someone or even if I want a boyfriend at this time in my life?

If your definition includes any or all of the above, you’ve got the perfect best friend. If not, maybe it’s time to reimagine what kind of friend would be a better fit for you.

I hope this helps!

In friendship,
Terra

P.S. Happy New Year. May 2018 bring you many opportunities to shine your light.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: EQ, friendship drama, friendships, girl power, girls' friendship drama, high school relationships, peer conflicts, Teen Relationships, Teens — Annie @ 4:24 pm

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Why do I have to be just like you?

March 6, 2015

When girls email me about the mean things their so-called friends say and do, it’s often about rocking the boat. You know, Friend A is expressing her individuality and Friend B is, well, uncomfortable. After a bit she can’t stand it and jumps all over Friend A to CUT IT OUT!

Here’s an excerpt from The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship that illustrates the problem and the solution for any girl who is tired of playing by someone else’s rules.

Q: “When my friend does weird things I don’t say anything. But when I do something (like a funny dance) she yells at me. I want to tell her I don’t like that, but I don’t want to be mean, like her.”

A: I think it’s awesome that you accept your friend for who she is and do not put her down when she does any of her “weird” things. You deserve the same respect from her. She shouldn’t yell at you when you dance, especially since you’re not trying to hurt or embarrass her. You’re just feeling free and joyful, and that’s good.

I don’t know for certain, but maybe your friend gets upset because she’s worried that other girls will tease you about your dancing. Or maybe she’s scared that someone will tease her for being your friend! When we are scared or worried, we aren’t always as kind as we should be. But that’s never an excuse for being rude.

When you feel like dancing, go ahead and dance. If your friend has a problem with that, then talk to her about it. Maybe you can help her lighten up. But whatever you do, please, do not stop being yourself. It’s absolutely the best thing about you.

_________

Check out other 49 Questions in The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA.