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May 27, 2014
 You started it! Empathy training begins at home. So does compassion training, truth-telling, good listening skills, and bullying prevention. And you thought helping with 7th grade math was going to be the hard part!
We want our kids to learn to be good people and most of us know that doesn’t happen solely by osmosis. So we teach them and we do such a good job that by the time they are five, they say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” on command. Underneath the programmed responses is the beginning of kids’ awareness of the right way right to treat other people vs. the wrong way. But because they are young humans they mess up. Often. They lash out and hurt the feelings and body parts of other children. And we hear about it. Yet no matter how many after-the-fact conversations that begin with “How would you feel if he did that to you?” they will continue to go out of their way to hurt other kids. So what’s up with that? Are your kids “bad”? No. Even though they do bad things, they aren’t bad kids. And don’t you dare think they are or, god forbid, tell them that!
Since they’re not bad, why do they keep doing this hurtful stuff? Simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration and poor-me-ism, to name a few peace-busters guaranteed to bring out the worst in our species.) Consequently, kids of all ages maim first first and ask forgiveness afterwards. Another reason they do stuff they know isn’t OK is because they’ve constructed a set of handy justifications that makes it OK.
Because most kids get their peer relationship training with their siblings, cousins, and close family friends, let’s imagine a typical sister-brother conflict in your home. Suppose your 7 year old daughter purposely wrecks the Lego castle your 5 year old son’s been building all afternoon. He’s crying and screaming and you yell at her, “Why did you do that?!” Turn down the volume for a sec and listen to her justifications:
1. I didn’t do anything.
2. I thought he wanted my help.
3. I thought he was finished.
4. It was already broken.
5. He always hogs the ____.
6. He always blames me for everything.
7. He’s annoying.
8. His stuff was in my way.
9. He was doing it wrong.
10. You always take his side.
What can you say to any of this? Your own destructive emotions have launched surface to air missiles from your eyeballs and your tone of voice is ugly and scary. But who can blame you? This is already the third … no fourth… fight between these two and it’s only Saturday afternoon of this loong “Happy Holiday Weekend.” So if you’re not in your “Calm Mommy” place hey, we get it. But if you were sane and centered enough to actually hear and acknowledge every one of your daughter’s justifications (which doesn’t mean you’ve got to agree with any of them) she could rattle them off and pile them neatly to one side and maybe, just maybe, she’d then feel safe enough to lift the lid on her anger, tentatively reveal the soft underbelly of her heart, and tell you the real reason she’s determined to destroy her brother’s happiness.
Sniff… whimper… “I think you love him more than me.”
What do you say now, Mom?
February 25, 2014
 Please won’t you be my neighbor? Marin County, where this story takes place, has the lowest violent crime rate of all nine San Francisco Bay Area counties. It also ranks 4th lowest in violent crime amongst all 58 California counties. You’ll need this for context. When folks in Marin have an issue with someone, we hash it out over organic Genmaicha tea down at the gluten-free bakery. Get the picture? Marin is a chill place. Which is why the little girl’s reaction to my friendly “Good morning” was such a shocker. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
On the sunny morning in question, I strolled my neighborhood and crossed paths with a five year old and her dad. I said “Good morning” to the father who stopped, smiled warmly and said, “Hey! How’s it going?” (Which is Marin for “Hi”) The two were obviously coming from the school down the hill, so I said to the girl, “Do you go to school at Brookside?” She looked down at her shoes and tightened her grip on her dad’s hand. Dad chuckled and informed me that his daughter is “kinda shy.” I didn’t think much of it and said to him, “My kids went to Brookside. It’s a nice school.” Dad agreed and started to tell me how his daughter was enjoying kindergarten. At that point the little girl yanked her father’s hand and said, “You’re not supposed to talk to strangers.” He seemed embarrassed but continued our conversation. “Yes, Ms. Hillson is a terrific teach… ” But he couldn’t finish because his daughter frantically pulled on his arm and tried dragging him away, all the while screaming, “Don’t talk to strangers, Daddy!!Don’t talk to strangers!!!”
She kept carrying on, pulling Dad along like a bad dog. He followed (lest his arm be severed from his body), but not before glancing back and giving me a helpless look.
Wow! I thought. That kid seriously needs some green tea and a yoga class. She’s obviously been indoctrinated into the “Stranger Danger” mindset to the degree that she believes everyone she doesn’t know is a lethal threat. She also doesn’t trust her dad can a) take care of himself and b) take care of her.
Walking on, I felt so sorry for the child and wondered what kids miss when they no longer have friendly encounters with neighbors.
A moment later another five year old girl appeared walking with her mom up the hill from the school (I do write fiction, but I swear I didn’t make this up.) Undeterred, I said, “Good morning” to the mom. At which point Little Girl#2 smiled brightly and said, ‘I go to Brookside School. I’m in kindergarten. Today my teacher read us Sylvester and the Magic Pebble. Do you know that story? It’s about a donkey who turns into a rock. It’s kinda sad but then his parents make a wish and he turns back into himself again. Then they have a party. Do you have kids? Do they go to Brookside?”
Her mom laughed, delighted her little girl was so confident and friendly.
I was delighted by her too. My kind of neighbor. We stopped and chatted for a while. I told her about a few other books she and her mom might enjoy together. Then we waved goodbye.
So what do you tell your children about strangers? I get that not everyone lives in a place like Marin, but what’s the right balance to strike when you teach kids about taking care of themselves when they are on their own and around people they don’t know?
January 26, 2014
 Delicious food or cruelty on a plate? The prologue of the January 17th episode of This American Life (Stuck in the Middle) grabbed me in such profound ways that I haven’t stopped thinking about Elias, the 7 year old’s whose love for animals and compassion for their suffering led him to the logical conclusion that eating meat is wrong. His parents, who reportedly “never ate much meat to begin with” supported their son’s values by becoming a vegetarian household. All good. And healthy too. The challenge for this family and for Mom in particular, was the ongoing battle between her Animal Lover son (who cried with real anguish when he thought about people eating meat, especially lamb) and her younger Meat Lover son (who lived for pizza day at school when he was free to pile on the pepperoni.) Without getting into details, Mom walked a fine line in which she tried to a) make peace between her two sons, b) help her younger son appreciate his older brother’s feelings about the importance of not eating meat and c) help her older son to recognize that it’s not his “job” to dictate to his brother what he can and can not eat.
I’ve been recalling families I’ve know over the years whose kids seemed to usurp control over parents and/or siblings. One boy made such a fuss whenever he lost a board game, card game or video game, his Dad made sure the kid always won. Yes, Dad was educated and at least peripherally aware that he was helping to raise an entitled kid who would unrealistically expect to always win at everything, but hey, the kid was volatile, so Dad did whatever he could to avoid the storms. Same with the Mom of the girl who so loved candy, chips and soda that she’d blow up at the supermarket if Mom refused to buy them. You’d better believe that Mom quickly reconsidered her initial response.
I’m guessing you also know kids and parents who lean in this direction.
I’m not saying the kid from This American Life was consciously being manipulative. I don’t believe he was. If you listen to his voice you won’t doubt that he has a hero’s heart filled with kindness and the desire to protect the most vulnerable creatures. And yet, there is something to be said about empowering your child to believe that they have the power to control other people’s behavior. They believe it most often when we show them they can control us.
How do you personally walk the line between empowering your child and allow that child to impose his or her will on the family?
July 24, 2013
 Manic Pixie Dream Girl circa 1961 The ultimate prize of parenting is a healthy relationship with your adult children. If your kids still live with you it’s probably weird imaging they’ll ever not need you to sort their underwear or sign permission slips. But hopefully that day will come. And when it does, how will you know you’ve hit the jackpot? There isn’t just one way to have a healthy relationship. But there sure are a lot of wrong ways. For example, a healthy parent-adult child relationship includes feeling safe to share selected personal stuff. On the other hand, if you or your adult child is calling and texting 27 times a day, you might have some issues. One sure-fire litmus test verifying whether you and your grown-up son or daughter have a healthy relationship is that you both actually enjoy spending time together.
My son, Ezra, is happily married and lives about 20 miles away. David and I just saw him a couple of weeks ago for a family get-together on the 4th of July. It was lovely and fun, but he and I didn’t really get to talk… not really. So I sent him an email Sunday night telling him I was thinking about him. “How about you and I scheduling some time together soon?” Ezra wrote right back and suggested we meet up for dinner the next night. Which we did. Just the two of us. In a restaurant. We chowed down and talked about what each of us has been up to. Then we effortlessly segued into a discussion of Arrested Development, The Crash Reel, Ruby Parks, and what’s up with all these quirky female characters? (aka, Manic Pixie Dream Girls).
We debated. We laughed. We shared insights. We shared dessert. We split the bill. It was, as Ez likes to say, “Good times.”
Here’s to good times for you and your kids, now and in the future.
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