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March 24, 2019
 I wish I had a boyfriend… I just got an email from a girl who’s never had a boyfriend and she really wants one. We’ve all been there, right? Everyone deserves to be loved. Being loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling that nurtures your spirit and opens your heart and mind to the beauty of life. If you aren’t in a relationship and you want to be, you may feel frustrated and/or impatient. But you know what they say? You can’t hurry love. You can, however, prepare yourself to be a good partner by learning about yourself, what you want, and what you need.
Teen: I’m a 16 year old girl who never had a boyfriend before but I really want one. The thing is, I’m kind of shy so I’m not that good at flirting!
Annie: It might be helpful for you to think about what kind of boyfriend you’re looking for. How about if you fill in the blank in this sentence?
I want a boyfriend who is __________________________________________.
Keep brainstorming until you run out of things that are true for you.
Teen: I want a boyfriend who is: loyal, friendly, kind, respects boundaries, a good listener, and willing to try new things.
Annie: That’s a very thoughtful list of qualities. Good work. So tell me, do you already know someone with any or some of those qualities?
Teen: There’s one boy I know who actually has most of those qualities, but I’m not sure I have a chance with him and I’m not sure if he’s single or looking for a relationship. He’s about a a year older than me. We’re in an after school club together, but I’ve known him since last year outside of it.
Annie: With all those positive qualities, he sounds like a really good guy. Keep building the friendship. Maybe the friendship will grow into a romance, but even if it doesn’t, you are learning more about what you want and need in a relationship. That’s important!
btw, you might also be thinking about what you have to give, because a relationship is a 2-way street. It’s not just about what you want from someone, it’s also about what you have to offer.
Bottom line, try not to get too hung up about the boyfriend thing. I understand this might be hard, especially if it seems like everyone in your school is coupled up. I’ve been stuck in the “I wish I had a boyfriend” trap and I can honestly say wishing and hoping for love is a major waste of time, energy, and emotion that can be better spent doing a million other things. Love happens when it happens, and not a moment before. You can’t plan for it or schedule it. But you can always love yourself more and focus on becoming the best version of you. That means exploring your interests and passions, developing new talents and skills, and putting your gifts to good use. And while you’re at it, think about your goals in life. Dream big. You have so much more to accomplish than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.”
Oh, yeah, you do!
February 26, 2018
 You’re always on my mind Most of my teen email questions come from girls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give advice to boys. I do. In fact, I welcome questions from guys. I also invite guys to read the questions girls send in. Likewise, girls should read the questions guys send me. In this way we can learn about each other and about how to be our best in the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.
This question came from a high school sophomore who is trying to figure out what’s going on with the girl he likes. Maybe you’ve been there.
Hey Terra,
I met a girl that I think is the woman of my life!!! Since the first week of classes we talked every day about everything! Each day I loved her more. I know she liked me at first, but as time passed and we continued talking, I realized that she wasn’t acting the same. Her friend told me that she didn’t like me any more. We still text, every day at all hours, and we still talk about everything. She is very funny and cute in the messages, but in person, she acts like she doesn’t know me!
Do you think I should continue to fight for her?
–So Mixed Up
Dear So Mixed Up
I understand that you have very strong feelings for this girl, but when you talk about “fighting for her,” what are you really saying? It is not possible to force someone to “love” you if she doesn’t have those feelings. No amount of “fighting” or begging or pleading or manipulation will change her heart.
Clearly you and this girl have things in common. That is why, when you are texting, you can “talk about everything.” That’s what friends do. But when you two are together, face-to-face, something changes. When Person A feels a romantic attraction and Person B does not, it can be awkward for Person B. Maybe the change in her behavior is her way of creating distance because she does not have the same (romantic) interest in you as you have in her.
Here’s my suggestion: Enjoy the texting friendship. Do not put any pressure on the girl to spend time with you in-person. Let her decide what level of interaction she is comfortable with.
As for you, you can decide what you wish to do (if anything) about this relationship. Here are some options to consider:
1. Continue texting and enjoying the friendship for what it is. No pressure or expectation for it to be more than a friendship.
2. Stop texting her and withdraw from all contact and communications. You might choose this option is being “just friends” is too uncomfortable for you.
3. Talk to her about the change in her behavior. Have a private, respectful conversation about what you’ve noticed in the way she treats you when others are there.
4. Take a break from the drama and use the break to spend time with other people, guys and girls. This will help you develop more friendships and take some of your focus off of this girl.
When thinking about your next move, please try to be as helpful as possible. And, of course, to treat yourself and others with respect.
One more thing: If you feel you have to “fight” to win this girl’s heart, something is wrong.
Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
January 5, 2018
Twenty years ago I set up shop as Hey Terra at TheInSite.org to help teens manage their emotions responsibly so they can develop self-respect and maintain healthier relationships. 50K teen emails later, the most common question I get is still about the challenges of dealing with feelings and speaking up for oneself in a friendship.
 I know exactly what you need! Our kids don’t know how to resolve peer conflicts non-violently. Retaliating with social garbage is a form of violence. Suffering silently is a form of self-inflicted violence. If teens can’t master interpersonal skills, it doesn’t matter how high their GPA is, they’re not going to be happy and successful in any measure that counts.
Teen email question #50,001:
Hey Terra,
I’ve never really trusted my best friend with my secrets because she always blurts them out even if she promises she won’t. Recently a boy has been messaging me and telling me that he likes me. Of course went to my best friend and told her. She asked if I liked him. I said I did. That was a mistake! She told my other friends who I really didn’t want to know because they gossip. Now my best friend is messaging the boy and telling him everything I’ve said about him.
“I’m not really one that stands up for myself cause I don’t want to make other people mad at me. So, sticking up for myself is not really an option here. I know I sound pathetic but I can’t help it.”
Anyways, she keeps saying, “He really likes you!” and it’s making me feel bad because I now realize now that I just want to be friends with him. I’ve told him I don’t want a relationship with him right now and that we are just friends. He’s okay with that but now that my best friend is messaging him he’s like “When will you be ready to date???” I know she is telling him to say this stuff.
I’ve tried to tell her that I’m not really into him any more but she gets mad and is like, “You are so annoying! If I had a chance like this I wouldn’t pass it up, so if you do we won’t be friends anymore.”
I know any person would stick up for themselves but I physically can’t. She will get mad at me and I really don’t want to lose her as a friend. She is my comfort zone we’ve been friends forever. I have other friends but if me and my best friend aren’t friends anymore she will turn them all against me and I’ll have nobody.
I guess what I’m really asking is: What should I say to my friend to make her not be mad if I “breakup” with this boy…? – Scared
Dear Scared,
I understand why you’re scared. Most people would be a little nervous to have a conversation like this. But I don’t buy that you can’t do it. You can. And you really ought to learn how. Slow deep breaths can help make you feel calmer and braver. So does practicing what you want to say before you’re standing in front of the person who needs to hear it.
As scary as talking to your friend may be, it’s important to do it any way. Why? Because if you don’t learn to how to tell people what is and is not okay with you, then you will continue to feel powerless. But if you speak up when someone’s not treating you well, you are much more likely to be respected. And for sure, you’ll have more respect for yourself.
Your friend may mean well or she may just like to be in charge… of everything. Either way, this is your life, not hers. You say if you stick up for yourself she will get mad at you and you’ll risk losing her as a friend. That’s a possibility. But before you decide that is not a risk you ever want to take, please answer this question: What is your definition of a friend?
In your mind, is a best friend someone:
- I can’t trust with my secrets because she “always blurts them out even if she promises she won’t?”
- who texts a guy and tells him “everything I’ve said about him?”
- who blabs my business to other people?
- who doesn’t seem to care what I want (in this case: no romantic relationship with this boy)
- who keeps pushing forward as a matchmaker when I don’t want her to?
- who doesn’t listen to what I say and tells me that I am “so annoying” for wanting to decide when I want to date someone or even if I want a boyfriend at this time in my life?
If your definition includes any or all of the above, you’ve got the perfect best friend. If not, maybe it’s time to reimagine what kind of friend would be a better fit for you.
I hope this helps!
In friendship,
Terra
P.S. Happy New Year. May 2018 bring you many opportunities to shine your light.
September 25, 2017
Joni Mitchell wrote: “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?” In other words (not as concise and rhythmic as a Joni lyric): “Damn! If I’d only nurtured and appreciated my honey pie before I blew the whole thing to hell!”
Lost love is often lovelier in hindsight than it was in fact. And, as this teen describes, the disconnect between wanting the relationship and wanting out can be so confusing!
 You can get it if you really want it and do the work. Teen: I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he was very overwhelming and overpowering. Also, I’m taking the SATS for the first time, which is another reason I can’t have him being so overpowering because I need to study and take practice tests and focus on me and my future. But I miss him, and being apart from him made me realize this…
Annie: Love can be confusing, right? Strong emotions can pull you in opposite directions at the same time and make it really hard to think clearly! First off, props to you for having clear goals and working toward achieving them. You sound like a very smart girl. You realize that you need space to consider some of your options moving forward in your education. The future doesn’t exist, but we create a path with every choice we make. You’re making important choices that will give you many options for the future.
Missing someone can be excruciating. I get it. But you broke up with your boyfriend for a reason. And even though you miss certain parts of the relationship, I’m guessing you do not miss feeling “overwhelmed and “overpowered.” Correct? What else do you not miss about being with him?
Teen: It’s true. My future is so important to me! I really want to be a marine biologist. And no, I do not miss how overpowering he was but I miss him, his personality, and how immensely happy he made me feel (happy until he got overpowering, of course). I just feel very confused as to what I want because he would tell me he was in love with me and I think it was genuine. I started to lose how I felt towards him since he got to be too much.
Annie: It sounds like what he said and the way he treated you did not align. Love has nothing to do with power and everything to do with cooperation, communication, and compassion. Please know that you should never have to put up behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
Here’s my best advice: Move forward with your life. You have so much going for you. Don’t waste it.
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