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December 7, 2009
 Why are they saying these things about me?! You don’t need me to tell you that kids can be really nasty to each other. I could give you some theories about why some tweens and teens seem to get twisted pleasure out of seeing other kids suffer, but you don’t care about theories. I’m guessing you’d much rather have me tell you what you can do if you find yourself the target of rumors or some other variety of social garbage. Each situation is different, of course, but what’s the same for all of these unfair situations is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. You just can’t shut them up or shut them down. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to change your response to what’s going on.
Here’s an email I just got from a girl who’s so fed up with rumors that she’s ready to… well… Why not just read it yourself?
Hey Terra,
There is this one mean girl who keeps starting rumors about me. I’m only in 6th grade but she keeps telling me I’m a slut and a bitch. No one believes her and everyone is starting to be mean to her. But today she started another rumor and now I think I’m going to kill myself. I thought I could ask you for advice before I kill myself to see if you could change my mind. You stopped me from killing myself before so I trust you. Thank you.
Fed UP!
___________________
Hi Fed UP!
I’m really glad you wrote to me and I’m honored that you trust me. Trust me then when I tell you that killing yourself is not a solution to any problem. Nope. Not even a kinda sorta maybe solution. It just isn’t, so forget about it.
The way you describe it, it sounds like this girl who’s giving you such a hard time is a very unhappy kid. How do I know that? Because happy healthy kids who feel loved and accepted do NOT start nasty rumors! Happy kids who have high self-esteem do not think it’s funny or cool to trash other people.
OK. So this girl is not a happy camper and she’s mixed up in her thinking (She thinks it’s OK to do what she’s doing.) Let’s assume she hasn’t been taught the right way to treat people. But let’s forget about her for a moment. I care about YOU. I want you to be around to grow up and make more friends and fall in love and get really excited about stuff you’re learning. I want you to dream big dreams and set goals and get where you want to be through your own hard work. I want you to feel so proud of yourself and so self-confident that nothing can hold you back and no one can bring you down.
You’ve got all of that inside of you (and much more)… So you see, killing yourself makes no sense. You’ve got way too much going for you to throw it away and for what? Because some girl with low self-esteem is calling you names??
Talk to your parents ASAP. Tell them what’s going on at school. Talk to the school counselor. Talk to a cool teacher. Talk to the principal. Don’t let little Miss Unhappy Camper get a free pass on spreading nasty rumors. Have your parents talk to her parents. Keep making noise until someone gives this girl the message that what she’s doing is NOT OK. If you stay silent, she’ll keep doing it to you and to others.
Here are some other things you can do to improve this situation: Calm down. Hang with people you know you can trust to support you. Keep dreaming the big dreams.
In friendship,
Terra
October 23, 2009
 When we're fakin' it for fun, it's a blast UPDATE (October 2013): This essay is included in my book, Teaching Kids to Be Good People. (Electric Eggplant, 2012)
I love Halloween. Always have. Even though our kids don’t live here any more, David and I still trawl the neighborhood, checking out trick-or-treaters and home makeovers. David usually wears his multimedia producer costume— understated, but totally convincing. Typically I pull out all the stops and morph into a mime with whiteface, red-bow lips, massive amounts of black eyeliner, and a pink tutu on my head.
My senior year in high school I was voted Class Actress, so I fully appreciate the fascination with taking on a new persona and milking it for all it’s worth. The irony isn’t lost on me that this Great Pretender has built a career exploring the MO of kids who constantly fake it by pretending to be someone they’re not, just to get other kids to like them.
I recently emailed a bunch of middle and high school students and asked: “How do you know when you’re faking it?” Here are some answers:
- “I have a feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. I feel like I’m a wimp for not speaking the truth.”
- “It’s hard for me to really shine thru and show people who I am because I am always worried about impressing them. I hate it when I act this way.”
- “I feel like a fraud in my own body. I feel betrayed by myself because I’m not showing everyone who I am and it hurts because I don’t know if they will like me for who I am.”
- “I get a nagging feeling tugging at the back of my brain, telling me ‘Don’t do this, you know this isn’t you.’”
- “Whenever I’m putting on ‘my mask,’ I feel sort of terrible and messy inside, like a lot of spaghetti, all tangled up. I feel almost sick to my stomach and a little anxious, but I still do it to impress others. But it never feels quite right. I do it because I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes.”
Their responses saddened me. We want our kids to be happy and self-assured. We want them to be courageous enough to drop the mask and confidently be themselves. But that’s a huge challenge when they’re unwilling to make a move without first checking out what everyone else is doing. If everyone else is being unkind, our children need tremendous strength of character not to join the hating party. Because the price of social poker is so very high, not many of them are willing to gamble.
Of course some kids embrace their authentic self and don’t hesitate to do the right thing. They show their goodness with equal confidence when no one is watching and when everyone is watching. But more kids need that kind of courage. Too many of them are Peer Approval Addicts, compulsively doing whatever it takes to fit in, including stuff they’re not proud of. For these children, everyday is Halloween, only they don’t get candy—just the hollow feeling of wimping out and not being “good enough” without their mask.
How can we help our kids resist conforming to negative peer behavior? By modeling and reinforcing, early and often, what authenticity looks like. By teaching that our choices matter and everyone deserves respect even when we’re feeling angry with them. Let’s talk about people in the news, characters in books, movies, TV shows, and anyone we know who did the right thing despite the risk that friends might not approve. Let our sons and daughters know that they already are “enough” of everything that matters. Remind them that they’ve got the courage to do the right thing, even when they’re not sure they do.
A week after my initial survey question, I followed up with this one: “How would your life be different if you didn’t have to worry what other people think?” Here’s what they said:
- “I’d probably share with people that ‘Hey, being yourself is cool, and if you can’t do this now… why not?’”
- “I would not spend a lot of money or do stupid things just to fit in.”
- “I would try out for football with the boys.”
- “I’d go to school in costume every day, dressed as a medieval knight, an astronaut, a soldier, or something totally new!”
- “I wouldn’t formulate the perfect words to say to those perfect people. I would say exactly how I feel.”
- “I would eat a cheesecake and wear a flannel vest. Woah! That would be a pretty darn cool world!”
- “I would love it! It would be like a freedom that lets you fly and soar.”
I’ve got no guaranteed tip sheet for you at this point, just a simple question: As a parent and a teacher, what could you do, today and every day, to help your kids fly and soar?
September 28, 2009
 Compared to controlling your mind, this is easy! Thankfully, our kids survived their teen years. So did David and I, though I know I aged more than he did. But I can still do a headstand, so there.
Nail me for sexism, but I’m convinced we moms feel our kids’ challenges more than dads. Everything from circumcision, to vaccinations, to teething, to leaving a tearful kid with a sitter, to friendship issues, to acne, to failed drivers’ tests, to breakups, to college rejections and the rest. We suffered while we were teens, and we moms are genetically predisposed to put ourselves through the wringer with each of our kids. How unfair is that? I have no solution, but I’ve told David that the next life time we’re together, he gets to be the mom.
Since both our daughter and son are out in the world doing very well, thank you, I thought it might be fun (in a masochistic kinda way) to revisit some of my biggest worries during their teens years. Why? I’m bored. Not really, but I am creatively dodging some other work at the moment. Also, I decided to take up this exercise to prove to myself what a futile endeavor all that worrying turned out to be.
Stuff I Wish I Hadn’t Bothered Worrying About
- How will my kid ever make it with his/her self-centered, obnoxious, overly dramatic attitude? Nobody but a parent would put up with this and even we can’t take it!
- Who will ever want to live with my kid? You can’t even walk in the room there’s so much crap on the floor. And (s)he doesn’t even seem to notice!
- How will my kid ever graduate high school? (S)he racks up more time talking to friends/playing video games/sleeping than there are hours in the day.
- How will my kid get through college? Assuming (s)he gets in somewhere. (S)he is a world class procrastinator who can’t get anywhere on time.
- What if some spaced out driver runs a red light and hits my kid while walking, riding his/her bike/driving to school?
- What if my kid feels pressured to do something that (s)he knows isn’t right? Does my kid have what it takes to stick to their values?
- What if my kid gets (someone) pregnant?!
- How can I protect my kid when (s)he isn’t right here with me all the time any more?
I’m not saying these aren’t significant, even worthy, issues for any parent to worry about. But I know for a fact that not one single moment of worrying on my part has ever prevented anything bad from happening to anyone I love. Nor has my worrying ever gotten anyone to modify their behavior into something more to my liking. It just doesn’t work. It’s an utter waste of time. An emotional and mental energy sink. Oh yeah, and it causes stress, aging and lactose intolerance. Not 100% sure about that last one, but you get the idea. No good comes from worrying. And yet… letting go of worrisome thoughts isn’t easy. Especially for parents. Make that double for moms. Learning to do a headstand is way simpler.
And for my next trick… The Amazing Worry-free Mom. (Someday, please.)
September 16, 2009
 We all need time to reflect Got email from a teen confused about Mom’s reaction to the fact that the girl and her boyfriend were having sex. The confusion came from what probably seemed like a bipolar set of responses from Mom regarding the Sex Talk. Here… you read it:
Hey Terra,
Me and my bf have been together for over 10 months. My mom knows him well and loves him. A couple months ago me and him started having sex and I was like OK, I want birth control. So I told my mom I was “thinking about having sex” and that I didnt do it yet but wanted birth control just in case. And she was like “OK. I understand. That’s responsible.” And she got it for me.
A couple of days ago I told her that me and my bf did it for the first time. She seemed to take it alright. She said she knew it was coming and was glad I told her. Then later that day, out of nowhere she started being really weird towards me. Now she barely talks to me, hardly talks to my bf, wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time even if I’m just with a girlfriend (and she was never like that ever). She’s being mean towards me now. I can’t take it anymore. I’m so uncomfortable around her. I hate being home. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
–Confused
This is so sad for Mom and daughter. And so unnecessary. Just in case you’re wondering, no, I’m not texting the Bad Mother Police to come cart this woman away just because she isn’t jumping for joy. But her hostility has overshadowed her previous reasonable response. Of course that was then (My daughter having sex some day = abstract idea which I can handle.) vs. now (My daughter’s having sex?!??!! For real?! OMG! What can I do? I feel freakin’ powerless!!)
If I could I’d have picked up the phone and talked to Mom. I’d have told her I understand that finding out your little girl is sexually active takes some getting used to. I would have said that her knee-jerk stress-response isn’t uncommon. But I’d also add that she needs to stop and think about what she’s doing because the silent-treatment and “meanness” is driving her daughter away. This woman doesn’t want that!
But Mom didn’t ask me for help, the teen did. So here’s what I told her:
Hi Confused,
You did the right thing telling your mom about your relationship and about needing birth control. Your mom did the right thing by helping you protect yourself. I think she is having a hard time dealing with the REALITY of the situation. You’re her daughter and up until now she’s thought of you in a certain way (that would include being a virgin). And even though she said she “knew it was coming” that can be different from actually having a new reality in your face.
Here’s what I suggest… Talk to her. Tell her that you told me. Tell her how you’re feeling about her barely talking to you and “being mean” to you. Tell her that you miss the trust and closeness the two of you have always had and you want to talk about that.
Then close your mouth and LISTEN to what she has to say.
Your mom loves you and she wants you to be safe and happy. She doesn’t want to lose this special relationship. She’s just not sure how she feels about this next phase of your life. She’s confused. If you’ve ever felt confused, then you probably understand.
She loves you. You love her. Talk.
In friendship,
Terra
Of course giving advice is a lot easier when it’s someone else’s kid. And you’ve got to expect this kind of conversation will be awkward on both sides, at least initially. But getting real with the people you love most in the world is sometimes the only way to nurture and strenghthen your connection. That’s gotta be worth whatever mumbling, stumbling embarrassment comes with it.
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