Before I became a parent I studied to become a teacher and I became one. Back then (we’re talking about the 70’s), education was strongly influenced by humanistic psychology. The result? A generation of teachers inspired by the ideals of Summerhill to create student-centered learning communities where nurturing self-esteem trumped reading, spelling, and multiplication.

This notion that teachers and parents are required to dole out nothing but gold stars came from a recent conversation David and I had about Sarah Palin. We were trying to understand how someone reaches adulthood apparently with no clue that she was (and probably still is) aspiring to a job that’s totally beyond her ken. How can rational people truly believe that they can do anything and succeed at it? Is it because their parents never stopped saying “Sweetheart, you can do anything you want”?

For years we took our kids to the County Fair and hung out at the Kids Exhibit Hall. We admired the vegetable creatures, Lego constructions, and framed crayon drawings with 2 inches of glitter glopped on top. All of them sported blue ribbons. “Everyone’s a winner!”

That’s really sweet for pre-schoolers, but really, how does it actually serve kids to believe that any hunk of junk deserves a blue ribbon?

We parents have been so intent on building little Jason’s and little Emily’s self-esteem that we’ve neglected to tell them the whole truth about the way the world works. “Yes, you can do anything you want… as long as you are willing to do the prep work to make yourself qualified and to work your butt off if someone gives you the job!”

Isn’t that the real American Dream? That this is a land where everyone has the opportunity to succeed?Unlike other places, you don’t have to be born into an artistocratic family. You don’t need political connections. You don’t have to be a White Ango-Saxon Protestant. You don’t have to be male. You don’t have to be heterosexual. You just have to do the prep work. And then, when someone takes a chance on you… you give with all you’ve got.

Students still desperately need parents and teachers who truly encourage and support the whole child. And we still need to keep providing that encouragement because we want all kids to feel grounded in their sense of self and… fearless in their confidence that they can make a difference in the world.

But authentic and lasting self-esteem has many sources. Success is sweet but a child who only hears “Good job!” is getting short-changed. Self-esteem, it seems, also needs mistakes and failures to shape it. It needs an environment where children receive honest feedback. How else can they possibly realize their strengths (and work to make them stronger)? How else can they acknowledge their weaknesses. And yes, my Golden Child, everyone has weaknesses, including you. And when I or your teacher or your coach respectfully point out one of the weaknesses to you, we give you a gift more valuable than any blue ribbon. We encourage you to take action to strengthen what needs strengthening. We do this because we love you, and we know you have a mark to make in this life. Whatever you commit yourself to doing well, is going to require hard work.

When our daughter was in the 6th grade she took a test to determine whether she qualified for the GATE program that was starting up in her school. The program offered enrichment curriculum to small groups of kids who then, in turn, would bring back what they’d learned to all the students in their class. Our daughter qualified and even though the school had already received state funding for the program, the administration decided to cut the program. Why? Because some parents complained that their kids didn’t score high enough on the test and therefore, to avoid “hurt feelings,” the school district returned the state’s money and canceled the GATE program.

So everyone’s a winner, right? Except in that case, where everyone lost.