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Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

50 Lessons of Love for Valentine’s Day and Beyond

February 14, 2013

Love is all around. Take what you need. Give what you can.

David and I have celebrated a lot of Valentine’s Days together… so much chocolate! I appreciate how our partnership contributes to my health and well being. It makes so much of what I do possible. I also especially appreciate how our relationship continues to get better. How can that be? We work at it. A lot. We’re not aiming for perfect, only progress in the direction of more kindness, compassion and fun.

And so, on this Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned about love after 38 years of marriage. Take what makes sense to you. Leave the rest. I hope it helps in whatever ways you need.

  1. It’s not about who you love, it’s about how.
  2. If it’s getting in the way of being together, as friends and lovers, talk about it.
  3. Be totally trustworthy and require the same from your partner.
  4. Look for opportunities to ease your partner’s mind and tight shoulder muscles.
  5. Turn off the Opinionator and listen with an open heart and mind.
  6. From time to time, just clean up someone else’s mess without expecting an Academy Award.
  7. Don’t cheat… ever.
  8. If you or your partner has created a break in trust, do what makes sense to learn from it and move on… if you can.
  9. Be a safe person for your partner to show his/her vulnerability and strength.
  10. Show that you know and understand who s/he really is.
  11. “Let’s go for a walk” is a lovely thing to say.
  12. Do the dishes, even if it’s not your turn.
  13. Nurture the romance and the friendship because the kids will grow up and leave.
  14. Make food together and enjoy what you’ve dished up.
  15. Don’t look for perfection only progress… in yourself and your partner.
  16. Find at least one thing, outside of the house, that you enjoy doing together and do it… regularly.
  17. Put down the damn phone iPad, Kindle, laptop and hold each other close.
  18. Bring home an occasional surprise treat as a “just because” gift of love.
  19. Anger comes in two varieties… the clean kind (I’m upset & here’s why) and the dirty kind (You ALWAYS do this!) Keep it clean.
  20. Use your love for your partner to give your best self. It’ll become ingrained and then you can give it to everyone.
  21. Be nice. Save the contempt for… actually, don’t save if for anyone.
  22. Share that last chocolate chip cookie.
  23. When your lover wants to talk about something that’s important to him/her (but not to you), stop and LISTEN with genuine interest.
  24. When a hug is given, hug back, no matter how crappy a mood you’re in. It’ll make you feel better.
  25. Show appreciation. Even after years of being together, “Please” and “Thank you” are signs of caring.
  26. Unplug when you’re with your sweetie and be where you are. It shows “You matter to me more than checking FB.”
  27. Fill up the gas tank because you know your partner needs the car tomorrow.
  28. Making your honey a snack is an act of love.
  29. Make eye contact and a smile when s/he walks into the room.
  30. Dark chocolate. Lots of it to share.
  31. When your lover is out in public playing a sport, performing, presenting, be front & center, cheering him/her on!
  32. Let there be togetherness in your chores. Cleaning up, doing laundry, shopping is sweeter when you’re doing it together.
  33. When your lover looks great, tell him/her. When s/he has had better days, do NOT say a word!
  34. If your lover is under the weather (or on a work deadline) do more than your share around the house with a smile.
  35. If you notice your honey has spinach bits between teeth or (horrors!) a booger… speak up (discreetly, of course!)
  36. Foot rubs are such a gift!(if you like having your feet touched) Otherwise… ask what else would feel better.
  37. Be helpful, without being asked.
  38. Listening with an open heart and an open mind leads to understanding. Understanding increases love.
  39. Say the words “I love you” like you really mean it. Yes, from time to time, we all need to hear the words.
  40. A gift is most appreciated when it reflects how well you know and understand your sweetie.
  41. Flirting with anyone other than your sweetie is disrespectful to your lover and your relationship. Just don’t. If you find your affections wandering, take it as an opportunity to make the relationship stronger. Say, “Honey, I need more _____ from you.”
  42. Dark chocolate… wrapped or unwrapped. Lots of it. Frequently. Share.
  43. Forgiveness is a gift to you, your partner, and the relationship. Let go of resentment or it will poison everything.
  44. Be the kind of partner you’d like your partner to be.
  45. Show how much you appreciate having him/her in your life. Not just on Valentine’s, but every day
  46. Your kids learn about love and loving by the way you treat them and by the way you and your partner treat each other.
  47. When your partner is worried don’t say, “That’s ridiculous!” (even if it is.) Just be there with support and encouragement.
  48. Look for opportunities to be helpful. Don’t wait to be asked.
  49. Smile at your sweetie. It sends a great message and you always cuter when you’re happy.
  50. Do something special together today to celebrate your love. We all need that from time to time.  This would be a good time. Enjoy.

Happy Valentine’s Day from our hearts to yours!

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2 Comments »

  1. Annie, Love your well thought out list! My husband and I have only been together five years, but the key to our wonderful relationship is to always put the “other” first because it is only that in giving to others can you truly find love and happiness with yourself.

    Comment by Barbara Mojica — February 14, 2013 @ 11:58 am

  2. Hi Annie. Thanks for emphasizing the need to work at our relationships. Even (or especially) with the people in our lives we love most. Totally appreciate your point about “turning off the Opinionator” and listening openly. Sooo important. Lol about the dark chocolate!

    Comment by Jenny — February 18, 2013 @ 7:06 am

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