|
|
August 29, 2014
When you’re all cozy in a friendship you can totally relax. Even going to school is more fun because your friend is there. But when you move to a school where you know no one, and your bff friend from your old school stops acting like a friend, then nothing feels right.
I recently got this email from a girl who is in that sad place:
Hey Terra,
Last year I moved to a new place. Later I heard that my best friend was best friends with some new girl. That girl is apparently really popular and cool (and also kinda mean) and in one year’s time my bff has become friends with all the poplar kids at school. I know it’s wrong of me, but I feel really sad and envious. I have seen posts of both of them saying how much fun they have together and how they love each other. (Come on! I knew her much longer than this new girl!) And the sucky part is that at my new school, my new friends keep ditching me. I feel so depressed. 🙁
–Sad and Jealous
Dear Sad and Jealous,
When you moved, what did you expect your best friend to do? Spend all day in her room feeling sad and lonely? Of course she missed you. She also wanted and needed new friends. I’m guessing that you are feeling “sad and envious” because you haven’t yet connected with real friends at your new school. HINT: Real friends do not “keep ditching” you.
A new school year just started. My best advice: stop checking your old friend’s FB page. It’s bringing you down! Don’t do it any more. Instead create a new goal for yourself… “I’m going to find a new best friend.”
Here’s how:
- Grab a piece of paper and make a list (I love lists!)
- Think long and deep about what’s really important to you in a friendship.
- Write down all the traits you are looking for in a best friend. For example, you might write: Loyal, a sense of humor, intelligent, shares my interests… etc etc etc.
- Use that list and go “shopping” for a new best friend. (Be on the lookout for the kind of people at school who’ve got what you want in a friend.)
- When you find one, smile, say, “Hi,” and see what happens.
Go for it! Good luck! And please let me know how it goes.
Three weeks later…
Hey Terra,
I’M DOING GREAT 😀 I made a few more new friends who wont ditch me? and I think I have gotten over my old best friend. Though I think it would still take some time before I make a best friend.
Thank you so much, Terra!
I love happy beginnings. ;O)
If you could use some new friends this year (you can never have too many of the real kind) make a list and go shopping. It could work for you, too.
August 19, 2014
After more than a year’s collaboration, our work on The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship is wrapping up. Illustrated by the ridiculously talented Erica DeChavez, my book for 8-12 year old girls, is coming next month from Electric Eggplant.
I’m super excited when I think about all the girls this book is going to help. Let’s face it, a new school year always brings friendship issues (aka social garbage.) The Girls’ Friendship Q&A Book is a cure for mean-girl behavior. (You’ve had enough of that, right?) With 50 questions from real girls (and answers that really solve the problem), plus tons of quizzes and awesome advice from older teens about how to be a Super-Friend, this book will teach you a whole lot about empathy and social courage. Something we can all use more of.
Sneak Peek from The Girls’ Friendship Q&A Book> Here’s one of the book’s fifty questions and answers:
A new girl from another country gets teased because she doesn’t speak English. I want to be nice to her, but I’m afraid people will tease me. Should I be her friend?
You already know the answer to your question, but you need some support. That’s why I’m here. Yes, you should be her friend! She has come from far away to a place that is very strange to her and she needs a friend. Imagine how you’d feel moving to some place that’s very different from what you’re used to. What would it be like not to understand what people are saying and to have no one understand you? She’s got a lot to deal with. Now imagine how she feels being teased. Having a friend like you could really help.
You say you’re worried the teasers might turn on you. They might. Or they might become friendlier to the new girl when you show them the way. You have the chance to do something important, and you are brave enough to do it.
Be kind. Show this girl that people in your country can be very welcoming. You’ll gain a new friend and learn amazing things about her and her culture.
Go for it and good luck!
*************
For updates on the publication of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, follow me on twitter and visit GirlsQandA.com
UPDATE October 4, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
July 28, 2014
 Feeling uncomfortable? Now use it for good. As we approach the beginning of the new school year, my heart goes out to the kids who are dreading it. They are usually the ones who had to wade through more than their share of social garbage last term. Hopefully they got a needed reprieve during the summer. But they’ve got to go back and most of them (and their parents and teachers) are probably not looking forward to the inevitable crapola (online and off).
Being in the prevention business, I’m always working on ways to make schools more compassionate. Here’s my latest contribution… just a reminder… adapted from the Charter for Compassion’s call to action for cities.
A compassionate school is an uncomfortable school!
Uncomfortable when anyone is threatened, harassed, or made to feel less than.
Uncomfortable when every child isn’t treated with respect by every teacher and every other student.
Uncomfortable when every student isn’t given rich opportunities to grow intellectually, creatively, and emotionally.
Uncomfortable when, as a school community, we don’t treat each other as we want to be treated.
A compassionate school knows uncomfortable feelings aren’t worth zippo, if they don’t trigger action. So a compassionate school recognizes the discomfort and immediately works for change with the full leadership and commitment of all administrators and teachers. With adult leadership, students learn how they too can become change agents. Because, whether students admit it or not, they desperately want their school to be a place where every kid is treated with respect. Every one.
Got it? Good. Now go make your kid’s school really uncomfortable. We’re in this together.
March 25, 2014
 We can be mean to her and still be nice, can’t we? “Do unto others” makes no sense to middle schoolers. (Ideally it should, but that’s not how TweenWorld currently operates.) To help our kids navigate the turbulent and toxic waters of peer relationships, we’ve got to wake up and smell the reality stinking up their world (online and off).
Of course both girls and boys have middle school friendship woes. And yes, both boys and girls can become Peer Approval Addicts. But girls often take their feelings of hurt, jealousy, betrayal and rejection to dramatic and damaging heights. So let’s talk about girl friendships.
The social garbage girls throw at each other is the stuff of rumors, gossip, harassment, and exclusion. And it often happens under the radar. Because even though a girl may be eviscerating a former bff at school and online, she still wants to think of herself as a nice girl. (I said it was twisted, didn’t I?)
 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship without the DRAMA I wrote The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship for 8-12 year olds and the adults who care about them. Let’s face it, parents are rarely aware of what’s going on on the battlefield of their daughters’ friendships. It usually comes to light when their girl feels victimized and can no longer contain her distress. At that moment she may spill the whole story of her so-called friend’s bad behavior. In response a parent might logically advise:
“Tell her how you feel about this. Tell her she’s got to stop.”
“I can’t tell her that!”
“Why not? It’s true!”
“Because it will hurt her feelings!”
“Excuse me!? You won’t tell her she’s hurt you because you don’t want to hurt her feelings?! What about your feelings?”
“Forget about it, Mom/Dad. I’m sorry I said anything. You just don’t get it.”
Bingo! Parents can’t fathom the logic here. But to the girl, the logic is clear. She will swallow her pain because she (justifiably) fears that complaining about bad treatment will cause her friend and all the others in their friendship circle to ditch the plaintiff, swiftly and completely. Our targeted daughter will be friendless and she knows it. And because that is a fate worse than death she puts up with the ongoing abuse. Pretends it doesn’t hurt. Continues to think of these girls as her friends and continues to hang out with them and be abused.
Her confusion over the love-hate/comfort-pain mix may cloud her judgment when she starts dating. If she puts up with emotional abuse in a friendship why assume she’ll choose a thoughtful caring romantic partner over one who dominates, demeans and controls?
As parents we need to help our daughters develop enough self-respect to demand respectful treatment from others, especially those closest to them. Let’s help them acknowledge the truth of what’s going on in their friendships. We won’t be able to change “mean” girl behavior in others, but we can, at the very least, help our daughters acknowledge that their pain at the hands of friends is real, undeserved and unacceptable. Then we can point out their options:
1. Stay silent. Stick with friends who hurt you and expect more of the same.
2. Talk to them about it and let them know you’re no longer giving them permission to disrespect you. If nothing changes, consider option #3.
3. Take a (permanent) vacation from the drama. Reach out to people who share your values about what it means to be a real friend.
Here’s to Real Friends vs. the Other Kind and to less friendship drama!
— Older Posts »
| |
Facebook
Twitter
