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October 9, 2013
I just came off a radio interview on the topic of teen dating violence. (Excellent timing for my Kindness and Respect Challenge. )One of the other guest experts, Associate Professor Emily Rothman of Boston University School of Public Health, said that 10% of teens report having experienced physical violence in a dating relationship. (Hitting, slapping, kicking, sexual coersion, etc.) Apparently that number has been fairly constant over the past 15-20 years. What has been increasing is emotional/psychological abuse in dating relationships. That ranges from name-calling, insults and threats, to dictating what a partner can wear and who s/he can talk to. 25-30% of teens report having experienced emotional/psychological dating abuse. Any controlling behavior (typically on the part of males toward females) is disrespectful. It also frequently leads to physical violence. Because many girls value their close relationships so much it can be hard for them to stand up for themselves and set boundaries.
In this recent email a girl describes to me the disrespectful treatment she gets in a friendship. Substitute the word “boyfriend” for “best friend” and you’ll see we’re talking about a common challenge for teen girls: “How do I get the respect I deserve from the people I care about?”
Hey Terra,
I have a best friend and she’s keeping me in jail. (Well, that’s what I think.) It’s like she won’t let me be friends with anyone or else she’ll be jealous. If she’s jealous, she’ll seek for revenge and I will be miserable and not able to concentrate on my studies. I’ve always wanted to tell her that I don’t wanna be her best friend anymore but I don’t have the confidence to say that. My heart says it’s the best thing to do. Do you think it’s the right decision?
Don’t Wanna Be a Doormat
Dear Don’t Wanna Be,
I agree with your heart. From what you describe, this “best friend” of yours isn’t acting like a friend at all. In your own words she:
• gets jealous if you are friends with anyone
• seeks for revenge
What kind of “friend” is that!?
Do I have to tell you your next best move? Nah. You already know what you need to do. This friendship is not a healthy one. It lacks the key ingredient: mutual respect. This is bullying prevention month. And what’s going on in this friendship is a form of bullying.
You need to end this. I know that is a scary thought. So take some slow deep breaths, right here, right now, and calm yourself. Get your confidence up and say to yourself, “I deserve friends who treat me with respect.” Think it and say it over and over until you can say it with confidence and know that it’s true.
Get to that point and you should be able to say something like this to your friend, “When you try to control who I am friends with by getting jealous and angry at me, I feel like I am in jail. Friends shouldn’t treat each other that way. It’s disrespectful. I’ve been feeling like this for a while but I haven’t told you. Even though I was scared I should have told you. Friends should be able to talk to each other about the hard stuff. I apologize. We don’t seem bring out the best in each other. That is why I am taking a break from this friendship.”
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
——–
Tune in tomorrow (Day 10) for an update from Don’t Wanna Be a Doormat
*(Excerpted from my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship)
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
October 8, 2013
 - Sorry, Mom. You still love me, right?
The Pupster was crazed this morning. Pulling on the bedspread. Chewing on my sock. Biting my yoga mat. Jumping on the table. Barking at squirrels. Barking at trucks. Barking at me! And through it all, I breathe and tried to re-center while I answered email, prepped for my 10 o’clock call, cooked oatmeal. But Gracie wasn’t calmed. Neither was I.
I tried to distract her by tossing the orange ball. The short red ropey toy. The long pink and black ropey toy. The squeaky toy. The deer antler that we just spent $15 on. Nothing worked for more than a couple of minutes. Then I barked at David… LOUDLY: “I’ve got a 10 o’clock. She needs to get her ya-yas out. Take her for a run. Now!”
Ahhhhh… they’re gone now. My call went well. The living is quiet. All I hear is the bubbling of the fish tank filter. Life is good. I feel so much kinder and more respectful. I will show them when they come back. Hopefully not too soon.
Check out Day 9 of The Kindness and Respect Challenge
October 7, 2013
On Saturday (Day 5 of the Challenge) I drove to Stanford to a Challenge Success student event. My job was to lead two round table discussions. The topic: “Too Stressed to Think?” in which I would help tweens and teens understand the link between being in so-called emergency mode and doing stuff we later regret.
I’ve written a lot about stress over the past eight years. Done countless presentations for kids and the adults who live and work with them. Even though Saturday’s event was at a world-class university, teaching doesn’t rattle me. What did shake me up in advance was the challenge of finding exactly where I needed to be. Stanford is a big place and map-reading is not my thing.
Arriving in the vicinity I asked some students for directions to the Graduate School of Education. They wanted to help, but they were newbies and like I said, Stanford is huge. So they kindly brought over this older guy who knew the campus well. He was kind and patient. Helped me decipher my map (yeah, I had one) then told me a) where to park-no charge on weekends! and b) where my building was.
After the event, heading back to my car, I spotted two confused people peering at a map. I asked them if they were lost. They were looking for the campus bookstore. I admitted I was also a visitor, but I wanted to help them. (Pass it forward, right?) Between their map and my knowledge of the name of the building I had just emerged from, we figured it out.
So, take this into the new week: We’re here to help each other. Sure, there are more self-serving ways to play the game, but I don’t recommend them. For one thing, it feels good to help. For another, there’s karma and being helpful will help you. If you need more motivation to go out of your way to help other people, how about this: it’s the right thing to do. Not always easy, as I told the girl who asked this question, but always right.
Got another minute? Read on:
 A girl has bullied me forever. She just got glasses and now people are making fun of her. Should I stick up for her? (from The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, by Annie Fox, illustrated by Erica De Chavez, © 2014 by Annie Fox and Erica De Chavez. Now available)* What a great question! Isn’t life interesting the way things can turn around? This girl picked on you, so you might be thinking, “Why should I help her?” The answer is simple: Because she needs a friend right now. Another reason you should help is because you know exactly how bad it feels to be teased. If you stand by and let others make fun of her you’ll be unhappy because you’ll know, deep inside, that you could have done something to make things better.
The answer to your question is yes! Stick up for the girl with the glasses. It’s the right thing to do. But you already know that because you’ve got a hero’s heart (otherwise it wouldn’t bother you that people are making fun of her).
If you help her maybe she’ll learn something about the importance of respect and kindness. Then who knows? This may be the beginning of a great new friendship!
*(Excerpted from my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship)
Check out Day 8 of The Kindness and Respect Challenge
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
October 4, 2013
My childhood friend and I loved word play (no surprise that we’re both professional writers). One game we made up and really enjoyed involved gifts and thank-you notes. Here’s how it went: Lovely gift was given and gratefully received. Lovely thank-you note written… promptly (Thanks for the training, Mom!) and gratefully received. But that wasn’t the end of it. Nope. Just the beginning.
Following my “Dear Joan, Thank you for the birthday gift. Love, Annie” I got a note from her: “Dear Annie, Thank you for the thank-you note, thanking me for your birthday gift. Love, Joan.”
To which I would reply: “Dear Joan, Thank you for the thank-you note, thanking me for the thank-you note thanking you for the birthday gift. Love, Annie.”
And so it went until we lost ourselves in a maze of verbal logic, laughed our heads off and called it quits… until next time.
Thank-you notes and all words of appreciation soften our hearts toward one another and make us more inclined to be kind and respectful, which is what this month’s Kindness and Respect Challenge is all about.
Yesterday I took a hike with the Pupster. We didn’t encounter any deer (stand-offish or otherwise), just a magnificent trail, bracketed by eucalyptus trees, climbing from the valley to the ridge with its stunner views of mountain, bridges and city by the bay.
 Thank you for setting aside this public land for all to enjoy Grateful to have this as my “backyard,” I’m happy pick up any stray litter to show my respect for the land. Being on the trail yesterday (and always) puts me in a kind and generous mood toward every person and dog I meet along the way. Appreciation can do that.
To increase your children’s awareness of the connection between appreciation, kindness and respect call a family meeting. You might start off the discussion by saying: Everyone likes to feel appreciated. But sometimes we get lazy and/or we forget. There are many ways to show appreciation. Saying “Thank you” is one. What are some others?
1. BRAINSTORM – Make a list. Think of some of the helpful, kind, generous and loving things that family members do for each other.
2. EMPHASIZE: When people are kind, generous, caring, helpful to us we should we let them know that we appreciate them.
3. ASK: How does each person in the family typically show his/her appreciation?
4. Take it into the Real World Challenge: During this weekend, focus on what you’re thankful for and find ways to show the people in your family that you love and appreciate them.
I’d love to hear your comments, especially if you try this with your kids.
Check out Day 7 of the Kindness and Respect Challenge (Out of kindness and respect for myself I take weekends off from blogging)
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