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October 26, 2012
I originally wrote a version of this article for TakePart.com, an interactive publisher and the digital arm of Participant Media, the company responsible for award-winning films such as An Inconvenient Truth, Food Inc., Waiting for Superman, Charlie Wilson’s War, Contagion and The Help.
 Falling into a less stressful school routine Back in early June, sweet summer beckoned with infinite possibilities. Hopefully some of the good ones became realities for you and your family. Either way, summer has come and gone, the frost is on the pumpkin, and we’re up to our knees in a new school year.
Now and always, you are your child’s most influential teacher. Which means that every day you have wonderful opportunities to lead and mentor so that next June you and your child can look back and say, “This has been a great year.”
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. How about calling a family meeting to take stock of how things are going? Don’t like the term family meeting? Call it whatever you want, but before any more time flits by, gather the troops for an open conversation centered on what is working well with your Monday-Friday routine and what isn’t. This conversation may take 30 minutes (give or take), so everyone ought to be comfortable. Sitting around a table is good for that. It also encourages eye contact, always a plus when talking to someone. Appointing a “secretary” with a pen and paper to record ideas/agreements is very helpful. Oh, and snacks are always appreciated.
One more suggestion—during family meetings, unplug from all phones, etc. I realize many of us, and our connection-addicted kids, may feel uncomfortable without our phones, but unplug anyway. A digital-free family meeting sends a message: This discussion is important to our family and we want everyone to have a chance to speak and to be listened to with respect. That means no interruptions.With ground rules established and the clear goal to improve family relationships vs. playing a blame game, let the conversation begin.
School-related causes of family stress include:
- Getting out the door in the morning (including waking up on time, bathroom, getting breakfast, preparing lunch, getting schoolwork into backpacks, etc.)
- Afterschool activity schedule
- Afterschool childcare arrangements
- Afterschool pickup schedule
- Dinner
- Homework
- Bedtime
As you and your kids focus on each of these areas ask, “How is that working for you…son/daughter? Here’s how it is for me.” Be honest with each other. If, for example, mornings are tense because Brother can’t get himself up and out the door on time, then it would be foolish (OK, insane) to go through a whole school year like that. Something has to change. Talk about how it feels to wait for him, stressing, and then to have to drive to school like a crazy person because you’re late. Talk respectfully (no blaming or shaming). Then work together to create some solutions so the family doesn’t get locked into a continuous loop of unacceptable behavior.
The same goes with unacceptable parent behavior. If, for example, Dad agrees to pick up Daughter after sports practice at 5 p.m., but ninety percent of the time he arrives at 5:20 p.m., then something needs to change. (Are you listening, Dad?)
Talk and listen respectfully. Brainstorm new strategies. Hold each other accountable. That’s the way to conduct a successful family meeting. But don’t stop with the negative stuff! There are things that you and the kids are doing very well this school year. Take time at this meeting to acknowledge the cooperation and the successes. Those are the things your family wants to—and needs to—keep repeating.
 Vote! It's good modeling for your kids.
July 30, 2012
 Gotta admit, this is cool! We started taking long road trips with our kids when they were still in car seats. As a family, international travel began when our daughter was 10 and our son was 5. As a 7th grader we noticed our daughter’s tolerance for being away from her friends was noticeably lower. Keeping her (and the rest of us) happy while being away from home for more than a week took some serious rethinking. Here’s what we learned works best.
- Get input from your teens about your vacation destination — Obviously if you’re expected at a family reunion, then that’s where you’re going. But if you haven’t finalized your plans, let the kids in on the discussion. They might not get the same voting power as the adults, but if they feel respected and listened to then you’ll get teens with a positive attitude. That’s worth all the souvenirs in the world!
- Be realistic about how long you’ll be gone – If you’ve got a really social teen boy or girl, two weeks away may be torturous. Remember: A teen’s world doesn’t revolve around her friends it revolves because of her friends. Remove her from her social circle for too long and her world screeches to a standstill and she’ll make you pay for how isolated and miserable she’s feeling!
- Encourage each family member to decide what they’d like to do for part of each day — This practice works great as long as you’ve got this ground rule in place: if anyone mopes around during someone else’s chosen activity, then the party pooper loses his/her right to choose an activity that day. Even when our son was 5, he’d be cooperative for just about anything knowing that in a few hours he’d have his chance. He also realized that being an unwilling participant took away from everyone’s fun, including his. If a 5 year old can make that connection, your teen certainly can!
- Maintain schedules — Schedules create a rhythm for the day. That reduces some of the inevitable stress of being away from home. Your teens may not admit this, but they feel security (and comfort) knowing that at 7 PM the family sits down to dinner. Without getting rigid about it, a sleep schedule’s important too. Sure you’re on vacation, but if teens don’t go to sleep at a reasonable hour then they’re likely to sleep past noon (or later) and that’s probably going to:
- irritate everyone else who wants to get an early start
- compel you to drag your Sleeping Prince(ss) out of bed forcing everyone else to put up with a foul-tempered, sleep-deprived adolescent
- Get novels on tape or CD for road trips — If the books are well chosen (mysteries are great) then getting back in the car for 8 more hours can actually be something everyone looks forward to (got to find out what happens next in the story!).
- Factor in jet lag — Traveling internationally or just across the country? Jet lag can really knock you off balance for a day or more. At its worst, jet lag can make you feel like you’ve been flattened by a steamroller then injected with a flu virus. Studies show that people with strong internal clocks (circadian rhythms) are most susceptible to jet lag. Got any of those in your family? If necessary, go easy with activities for the first day or so. To prevent jet lag, here are some tips: drink water in flight, avoid alcohol and caffeine, and walk around the cabin periodically. There are also some homeopathic remedies available in health food stores that some people swear by. One that we’ve had great success with is appropriately called “No Jet-Lag” and is available at many health food stores, or can be ordered online.
 You wanna shop? Right this way...
- Explore your new environment as a family, but pace yourself — Feel compelled to see every single thing listed in the guidebook? If it feels like you’re rushing around then you probably are. So temper your expectations and slow down, you may see less but you’ll also stress less and enjoy things more.
- Give yourself permission to abandon some of your attitudes — Vacations take you out of the norm, so they’re great times for self-exploration. If you (and your teens) choose not to limit yourselves with normally strong opinions (“I don’t like boats.” “I never eat anything with coconut in it.”), you can become a “freer” you, at least for a while. And who knows? It might help everyone in the family to become more openhearted, open-minded on a permanent basis.
- Keep a family travel journal — Words can capture a completely different kind of memory than photos. Interactions between people you passed on the street, a conversation with a shopkeeper, etc. At the end of every travel day you might come together and talk about what each of you found memorable. Everyone is bound to have a different perspective of the day. That’s part of what makes this “debriefing” so interesting! The person with the best handwriting can take the job of “transcriber” while everyone takes a turn dictating his/her most memorable part of the day. We started doing this on our first trip to Europe in 1990 and we’ve had wonderful times over the years, rereading sections of our travel journals to each other.
- Relax — You’re on vacation. Consciously choose to leave stress-related worries at home (they’ll be fine without you). Give your mind as well as your body a chance to regain equilibrium. When you’re not stressing you show your best side to your family. The way I see it, that’s the best part of any family vacation.
Whether you and your family have a far away journey in store, or some day-trips close to home, enjoy your time together, be safe, and happy travels!
July 11, 2012
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
This is Part 2 of my 4-part Bing Summer of Doing blog series. If you just got here and missed Part 1, let me explain. I’m the Bing Summer of Doing ‘expert‘ of the week. Part of this awesome responsibility involves blogging about the word of the day. Today’s word is unplugging. The irony of writing about unplugging while plugged in doesn’t escape me, but if I wrote on the back of this envelope, you wouldn’t see it, so…
 Bing Summer of Doing – Pull the plug and.. DO Winnie-the-Pooh said, “Sometimes I sit and think. And sometimes I just sit.” He also called himself a bear of “little brain” but I disagree. Just “sitting” is the best thing you can do at certain times. And if you’re just sitting in a park, on the beach, on a fallen tree in a forest… you’re probably in a good place, mentally and emotionally.
I’ve noticed that it’s summer. Funny how a whole season can sneak up on you like that. Actually, it’s more scary than funny. Sometimes, my time on the computer seems endless and I feel like I live in a casino – no windows or evidence the earth is turning. But I see that it’s beautiful outside (yes I do have a window) so I’ve decided to unplug. Not forever, just for some significant part of each day – as a way to grab back some balance in my life.
What am I unplugging from? How about these three things for starters? Negativity. Routine. Technology.
Unplugging from destructive emotions: Instead of marinating your soul in anger, frustration, jealousy when the mood strikes, how about simply recognizing the feeling? And then… take a few slow deep breaths. (INHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your nose. Relax your jaw and open your mouth.) Then EXHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your mouth. Repeat. …. again. Again. Now smile (a half smile will do). Good. You’ve just unplugged from an upset and hopefully you’ve done it before causing any damage. Nice going.
Unplugging from routine: Routines offer security. They can also be fun and creativity drains. Fight back by changing something you’ve been doing automatically every day. Try a miniscule shake-up like brushing your teeth with the opposite hand. Dang, unplugging from your routine could be as simple as sitting in a different place at the kitchen table. Or skipping the table altogether and taking your salad or sandwich out on the front steps. There are so many ways to dance through your day, why not make up some new moves? When you do, you’ll find your usual dance partners have to come up with some new moves of their own.
Unplugging from technology: Life isn’t virtual. It’s real. Simple truth. So easy to forget. Years ago, a storm blew out our power for 5 days. No school. No computers. No work. Me and David and the kids read aloud from a big book of obscure folktales. We paused at crucial plot points and took turns guessing what could happen next. We acted out alternative endings. We played Crazy Eights by candlelight. We roasted marshmallows. We all shared memories from childhood. And by the second or third day, we were eating outrageous ice cream sundaes for breakfast (hey, we couldn’t let all the Chunky Monkey melt, could we?). I was more than a little disappointed when the lights came back on and we all plugged in again. But you don’t need a power outage to take a healthy break from social media and the rest of it. I’m not saying you should become incommunicado for a week and freak out your friends and family. I’m just saying that by spending most of your waking hours with your head in a screen, you miss a lot of the juice of life. That’s just a waste, because the real stuff — the shared joys and disappointments between friends and family — need to be experienced face to face, not just via text and FB posts.
So I’m unplugging today. When I mentioned this to David, he said, “So you’re not going to do anything?” Wrong! I’m going to do plenty of stuff… not sure what yet, but I know, for sure that I’m not going to check my email 75 times. Tweet. or Surf. Just for today. And see what unfolds when I push back the digital infringement and make some room for other things. I’ll report back later. In the meantime, how about if you slowly take your hands off the keyboard, step back from your computer and go outside and play with a friend?
July 22, 2011
 Almost ready for my close-up Tuesday morning was not typical. Before 8 o’clock I had my professional act in gear (make-up, hair, couture… such as it is) and took my show on the road. Twenty miles south, David and I pulled up to FoxNews.com’s San Francisco studio and into a parking spot six steps from the front door.
I’d been invited to Fox (no relation) to offer my expert opinion about the choice of some parents to permit their teens to have sex in the family home. What did I think about this trend? Truthfully, I hadn’t heard about it. But I take these assignments seriously so I did my research. Rule of thumb: If you’re going to put yourself out there as someone who knows what she’s talking about, it’s best to try to sound like you know what you’re talking about.
Here’s a 6 min clip of my interview with Jonathan Hunt, a thoughtful interviewer with good questions, a good sense of humor, and good listening skills.
In case you’d rather read than watch the video (though you can do both for the same ridiculously low price… free) here’s the big take-away:
Parents are hard-wired to keep their kids safe. Any hint of a threat to the young ‘un and our inner Mama or Papa Lion instantly reacts. No thinking involved, which is kinda perfect since over-analyzing in an emergency can get in the way of surviving. But not everything parents perceive of as threatening is actually a threat and an over-the-top reaction can be counter-productive. (Like when you encourage your teen to come to you with any questions and when they ask about sex or drugs, you totally freak out thus shutting down all conversation and insuring (s)he won’t be coming back to you with important stuff any time soon.)
Thankfully our brain also specializes in rational thought. The long-term, rational approach to parenting says our #1 objective is to raise a fully functioning independent young adult. That’s why we’ve got to teach our kids to analyze situations. And to make healthy choices. That’s the only way they can keep themselves safe when we’re not around, which is going to account for most of their lives unless you’re planning on having them live with you forever, in which case we need to talk.
Mr. Hunt quoted this statistic: “By their 19th birthday 70% of young people have had sexual intercourse.”
Translation: They’re going to do it anyway, so why not let them do it in the family home rather than a car or in the park, since it’s safer? Or do you think that’s just off-the wall?
There are enough Parent Police out there judging the way other folks raise their kids and I’m not going to join the squad. How you, as a parent, educate your children about sex is a personal decision. But, the reality is; older teens will be doing it.
Wherever you stand on this issue, here’s my advice (again free for the taking):
- Talk about relationships rather than just the “yes” or “no” of teen sex. Talk about sex in context of a relationship, rather than hooking up. If you don’t know where you stand on teen sex or you’re conflicted, that’s honest. Tell your teens that. But remember that you have a leadership role. If you want to transmit your thoughtful values to your teen (as opposed to “Just say no.”) then spend some time thinking about what those values are and why you hold them.
- It’s not just one talk. Have a series of conversations. Treat teens with respect. Talk less and listen more. That’s the only way you can find out where they are coming from, what assumptions they have about relationships, etc. There are endless opportunities to have conversations while you’re watching TV, after a movie, reading the news, listening to song lyrics, etc. It’s very important that the parent’s voice is in a teen’s head. You’re not going to be the only voice in there, but you want to be part of the mix and parental influence is powerful.
- Be realistic. Sex is part of life for adults and for older teens. In the context of a healthy relationship (the only kind worth having) it’s a joy. Parents who are in denial about teens and sex remain silent and their teens remain uninformed. Some people believe that talking to teens about sex encourages them to become sexually active… right now! Just the opposite is true. Studies show that teens whose parents provide them with reliable information actually wait longer to have sex and are more likely to use protection when they do have sex.
At some point, your teen will decide that (s)he’s ready to have sex. You want the decision to be made from a basis of self-knowledge and information coupled with values. You also want that information and those values to come from you. If you don’t talk to your teens about sex and healthy relationships (mutual trust, respect, etc.), where do you imagine they’ll get their information and values from? Probably from their clueless friends. Not a comforting thought.
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