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July 15, 2009
I know what love is. And I know what it sure as hell isn’t. No one’s born knowing. In my case, I only got it after many tedious attempts at misplaced affection. (Thankfully, my suffering yielded a few not too shabby souvenir poems and songs, so there’s that.)
Understanding this stuff is essential. I mean, really, if you don’t know how to love and how to get what you need from your partner, how are you ever going to create and maintain a healthy relationship? You’re not! Which brings me to this email from yesterday:
Hey Annie,
I have been with this guy for 2 years. We were engaged and living together. He left me two months ago and I can’t figure out exactly why he won’t even say I love you anymore. I had caught him before on chat lines giving other women his number talking very very dirty. Even talking to his ex and well, I left him. After a couple months I went back because he proposed to me and swore it was me he wanted. He said he was gonna change and he wanted to make me happy. That lasted about 5 months. I found out this time when we broke up he was still talking to his ex. He even told me he met a girl at a bar for a one night bj but swears that’s all that happened. Now he said he wanted to be “f__ friends” with me and that’s all or nothing. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him still so much after all that’s happened and I can’t understand why. I just wish he loved me. I don’t think he ever has. Please help me I’m seriously depressed…
Lost and Confused
Dear L & C,
You say that you “still love him” and that you wish he would “just love” you. I’m not sure what kind of love you’re talking about, but it isn’t enough to make this work. What the guy did was flat-out wrong, disrespectful and low. But let’s be fair… you didn’t show the greatest judgment either. Part of your current situation is a direct result of taking him back after he betrayed you. I’m guessing that you really didn’t trust him. You still don’t! Yet you allowed yourself to believe he’d get his act together. (Based on what? “LOVE”?) It also sounds like you two never addressed the hurt caused by the first betrayal. Never discussed why he thought it was OK to cheat on you. And because you never dealt with it, it came back to bite you… hard. The fact that now all he wants from you is to be one of his “f__ friends” really says it all, doesn’t it? And the reason you “still love” this self-centered disrespectful individual “so much” is… why?
What you need to move forward is more self-respect. When you develop that you won’t need me or anyone else to tell you that this isn’t love. If you need help sorting out your feelings and working on self-esteem, then I strongly suggest that you find a counselor or a therapist to talk with.
In friendship,
Annie
Most parents I talk with say they absolutely want their teen daughters and sons to grow up to be “a good partner in a healthy committed relationship.” If we’re going to walk the walk, we really need to be teaching our kids that love isn’t enough.
July 13, 2009
 "Over It: A Teen's Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight" Several times a week I receive an email from a desperate 12-16 year old girl who’s having issues about her weight. No, let me rephrase that. Her issue isn’t with the number on the bathroom scale. The issue is how she feels about herself. Typically the girl who writes to me hates her body and the way she looks. Then the whole guilt by associate thing sets in and next thing you know… the girl hates herself!
Here are some recent examples:
I’m a junior in high school and let me just start by saying: being a junior sucks. It’s not just the year itself but me that seems to be the problem. Then there’s the whole body image thing. I know I should be happy with what I’ve got and blah blah blah but I still wish I could get out of the training bra section. It’s so awful having friends tell me that they wish they didn’t develop and I should be happy that I’m flat as a board at 16.
Or this one:
I know that I need to lose 10-15 pounds because I’m 5’3″ and weigh about 130. I think that is too high. All my family members say that I’m a little overweight and I am embarrassed every time they talk to me about it. Maybe I don’t need to lose that much but I still need to lose some.
Or this:
I’m very perplexed. I think I’m fat when everyone tells me I’m not. I’m bulimic but no one knows. How do I stop? Because every time I do try to stop I feel guilty and I become worse. I’m 12 years old and I weigh 75 pounds. I still think I’m fat.
Should we be surprised that these girls are so unhappy with themselves and so out of synch with reality? Considering that they’re growing up in a thin-obsessed culture, it would probably be way more surprising if they didn’tfeel this way! So what’s been going on with American girls and women since the early ‘60’s that causes this crippling dissatisfaction with our looks? What does the steady rise in eating disorders (which now includes boys and men) say about our society and our values? And how do we get over it already and help our daughters and sons do the same?
In this week’s podcast* I talk with Carol Normandi and Laurelee Roark co-authors of “Over It: A Teen’s Guide to Getting Beyond Obsessions with Food and Weight.” We talk about the effects of media and pop culture on the body image, healthy and well-being of our tweens and teens. And what parents can do to fight back.
Have a listen here:
[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC006.m4a 300 300 false true]
If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.
Or, you can download an MP3 version here.
Upcoming guests include:
Robert Rummel-Hudson, author of Schuyler’s Monster: A Father’s Journey With His Wordless Daughter
Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look At Why Stepmothers Think, Feel And Act The Way We Do
Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace
Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom
Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids
Special thanks to our friend and musician/composer Curt Siffert who let us use his song, “Tie Down for the Storm” for the opening of this podcast.
*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” — Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).
July 12, 2009
When we say “That’s not my problem” what we usually mean is some variation of:
a) “Tough luck, buddy.”
b) “Couldn’t care less.”
c) “Better you than me!”
d) “Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?”
Pretty heartless stuff. And because callousness isn’t part of the standard definition of “good parent” many of us believe that when it comes to our children… tu problema es mi problema. Isn’t that our biological imperative? To solve all of their problems so that their lives hum along without a hiccup? To guarantee through our tireless efforts that our offspring live a joyful existence 24/7 and are constantly bathed in the sunlight of public acceptance and approval?
Put it that way and it sounds like a twisted crock, doesn’t it? Our obsession with perfecting our kids’ imperfections and rushing in whenever we hear the faintest sigh of frustration is no measure of parental love or responsibility. The more we indulge in making their struggles our own the more we blur the line between love and control. That’s the best way I know to prevent them from developing self-confidence and self-sufficiency (AKA the primary parenting objective).
I’ve got a massive marshmallow for a heart. So I know from almost 30 years of personal experience that no parent enjoys seeing their kid (of any age) struggling academically, physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically, financially. But the truth is, allowing kids, tweens and teens to deal with age-appropriate “problems” provides them the satisfaction of working things out for themselves this time. Better still it gives them the real confidence of knowing that in the future when something like this comes up again (and it will) they’ve got what it takes to deal with it. Parents who provide their kids with those kinds of learning experiences aren’t good parents… they’re great parents.
So, repeat after me: Her crooked tooth is not my problem. His complexion is not my problem. Nor is her shyness. Nor is his height. Nor is their level of popularity amongst their classmates or the way their so-called friends treat them. The fact that he doesn’t have the money to go with his friends to the new Harry Potter movie on opening day (because he spent it all on a new game last week) is not my problem. The fact that he’s annoyed because I won’t give him more money this month is not my problem. The fact that his friends are teasing him about not going is not my problem. The fact that he’s not talking to me and is barricaded in his room is not my problem.
See… when you get into this, it becomes so much easier to see what isn’t your problem without losing one bit of love, affection or respect for your kids.
We all have so much on our plates these days. Wouldn’t it feel great to lighten our loads? You can start by giving yourself a break from trying to make your child and his/her life experience perfect. Of course, if you’d rather not, that’s cool. It’s not my problem.
July 2, 2009
 14 year old Bahia Bakari surrounded by doctors. (AP Photo/Sayyid Azim) We all have good days, bad days and truly awful days. Sometimes the people we think we’re super close to turn against us and we’re left wondering who our real friends are. Sometimes much more serious stuff happens… like when parents split up, or a family member is injured, diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, or dies. At times like these it can feel like your whole world has turned upside down because it has!
So what do you do? Standard advice from well-meaning adults is: “Just hang in there. Things will get better.” And that’s true because nothing ever stays the same for long. But “hanging in there” when you don’t know what to hang on to can be a real challenge.
Next time you feel shaken up by what life hands you and could use some inspiration, you might want to think about Bahia Bakari, 14. The other day she was on a plane with her mom and 149 other passengers heading for a vacation on the island of Comoros off the east coast of Africa. Suddenly the plane fell into the ocean and busted apart on impact. It looks like Bahia is the only survivor. How’d she do it? By clinging for 13 hours to a piece of the wreckage until she was rescued. Alone in the ocean for all that time, much of it in the pitch dark, not knowing if anyone would actually come and help her. Talk about hanging in there! Way to go, Bahia! Get well soon, girl!
UPDATE: 11/2/11 I stumbled across this old blog and thought I’d find out what happened to Bahia. Good news! She’s doing very well. last year wrote a memoir entitled Moi Bahia, la miraculée (“Me Bahia, the miracle girl”)
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