Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Teen’s not a girly girl. What will it take for Mom to accept it?

July 17, 2011

Just got an unusual email from a woman who thinks her daughter has a problem. Have a read and see what you think…

Dear Annie,

My daughter and I are not seeing eye to eye. I want to help her with but she will not listen to me. You always hear of parents not wanting their kids to go with the crowd. But my kid does the opposite. She dresses like a boy, only wearing boy’s sports shorts and a t-shirt. She doesn’t like anything girly. Absolutely nothing!! She isn’t boy crazy, that’s a good thing. It is beyond being a tomboy. During sports she will never put her hair up or back like the rest of the girls (even though the coach tells her to). Even on group pictures of the teams she is the only one with her hair down. Could it be that she wants to stand out or that she is trying to fight the establishment? I want her to be herself but this has gotten way overboard and it is causing a lack of friendship. She almost has no friends because she is so different. Should I just let her learn the hard way?

Frustrated Mom


Dear Mom,

I’m not sure what you think your daughter needs to “learn the hard way” or any way for that matter. And while we’re clearing stuff up, how can anyone possibly go “overboard” in being themselves? That’s like saying, “You are too much of who you are.”

You say “I want her to be herself”… but do you really? What I’m hearing loud and clear sounds like “The way she is, is unacceptable!” If that’s where you’re coming from your daughter feels the sting of your disapproval every day. That’s not helpful.

The only positive thing you said about your daughter is that she’s “not boy crazy.” Surely she possesses many admirable traits, but you didn’t mention any. That’s a sign this girl isn’t getting much positive feedback from her mom. Also not helpful.

Clearly you believe your daughter has a problem and if she’d only “listen” to you all would be well. I disagree. This isn’t about you or your well-intended advice. Your daughter may be rejecting girly clothes because she’s questioning her sexual identity. If that’s the case, she’s not purposely defying anyone, rather she’s on an important journey of self-discovery. Whatever her sexual orientation is, she doesn’t need “fixing.” With all due respect, you may be the one who needs a course correction, not your daughter. Because it sounds like she’s doing her own thing very well, thank you and I say, props to her for all that self-confidence!

I don’t mean to give you a hard time. I’m a parent. I understand what it’s like to have expectations of your daughter from Day #1. All parents dream of what their child will grow up to be. Maybe your daughter’s behavior, choice of clothing, etc. is a disappointment to you. Be honest with yourself about that disappointment. Maybe her way of being is embarrassing to you as you watch the reactions she gets from peers and other adults. Please be honest with yourself about that embarrassment as well, but don’t share these emotions with your daughter. She doesn’t need to hear it.

Bottom line, your daughter is who she is and trying to get your approval by pretending to be someone other than her authentic self is not healthy. That would only encourage her to live a lie and put her in conflict with herself. Not the advice she needs.

I’m going to state the obvious because it’s a good reminder to all parents. Your child is not you. And it’s not her job to fulfill your expectations of who she’s “supposed” to be. She is her own wonderfully unique self. She doesn’t need fixing. She needs the unconditional love of her mom. In order to support her journey into adulthood, wherever it may lead, you need to stop trying to change her and start trying to understand her better. I’d strongly suggest you talk with a family therapist or a psychologist ASAP. Hopefully that will help you sort out your feelings so you can learn to accept your daughter and give her the support she needs.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Annie

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , — Annie @ 6:50 pm
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Guest blogger: I hate homework

July 12, 2011

by Roberto Lebrón

Summer may seem like an odd time to discuss homework, but I can’t think of a better opportunity to appreciate the absence of it. Isn’t that part of the reason families cherish July and August? Because without homework we all have more time to hang out and be a family. Today’s guest blogger is Roberto Lebrón, teacher, artist, writer and  founder of the blog Raising Children on Planet Earth, where you can find “… values and behavior tips and information for brave, loving parents who are willing to do the hard work of raising their own children, instead of delegating their duties to others, including the government, or letting their children raise themselves. You’ll also find food for thought for peaceful, mindful, no-drama dadas and mamas.” AF

I hate homework!

I hate homework.

That may sound strange coming from a teacher. At work, I’ve often heard parents asking teachers for more homework for their children. I’ve also heard parents brag to each other about how good the schools their kids attend are, using the amount of homework their kids get as a measure.

Considering these parents hated homework as students about the same as their own children hate it now, one can wonder why they are so eager to foist upon their children the burdens they resented in their youth. Is this you? Why do you do it?

Perhaps it’s wisdom.

Perhaps parents have learned that what they resented as children was actually good for them — like vegetables. Is this true? Is homework the broccoli of the school world?

Alas, I think not.

The sad truth about homework is that it’s useless makework and, as far as I’m concerned, an unwelcome intrusion into family life. But let me define my terms.

What I Don’t Mean:

When I say, “homework,” this is what I don’t mean:

  • I don’t mean reading material that will be discussed in class, or material on which the students will be tested. That’s called studying.
  • I don’t mean projects to be developed using knowledge acquired in class and research done out of class.
  • I don’t mean the aforementioned research.

What I Do Mean:

  • I mean the other stuff parents love so much because it keeps children busy and out of their hair while they’re at home.
  • I mean that other stuff because when my children are at home, I’d prefer them to enjoy a little something I like to call home life.

If this homework is so important from an academic point of view, I’d just as soon have it done at school, even if that means longer school days. As a matter of fact, I’m all for longer school days, and a longer school year, with shorter vacations. I bet you’re not surprised to hear that coming from a teacher.

Yes, the fact is that, as educators know, and as the President of the United States has acknowledged, we need a longer school year, because we are falling behind other industrialized countries in terms of education. Many of those countries have longer school days and longer school years than we do.

Why Our Calendar Is The Way It Is.

Our school year was designed the way it is in part to allow young people time to work with their families when ours was an economy largely based on agriculture. That reason has gone with the wind. In the meantime, studies have shown that students forget too much of what they’ve learned during the school year during our excessively long summer vacations.

The summer camp industry knows this and many summer camps use this fact to encourage people to enroll their kids in programs that have academic components. This is a poor solution to our problem. Local school boards, not private camps, should determine what our students learn during the summer, and how they learn it. This is our responsibility as a society, and we are neglecting it.

In the end, it may not be necessary to have much less total vacation time during the year. Extending the school day and modifying the length and number of vacations during the year may do the trick. What is clear is that we need to modify our school calendar, and that most homework is a waste of everybody’s time.

Take Action!

1. Get Your Money’s Worth.

  • Your schools are yours. You’re paying for them, whether directly with checks to private schools or indirectly through your taxes. That gives you a voice. Use it.

2. Speak to Parents and Teachers.

  • Speak with other parents. Speak with your children’s teachers.
  • Let them know you value family time in your home, and you don’t appreciate losing this precious time to makework homework.
  • Make a clear distinction between learning to do research or studying for tests, on the one hand, and pointless busywork, on the other.
  • Discuss the need to change our school calendar to keep up with competition in the global marketplace.
  • Parents and teachers should work together as partners. Let your partners know you’re an active participant, and you expect your concerns to be taken seriously.

3. Contact Your School Board.

  • In most places, School Board members are elected officials. Reach out to them and let them know your concerns.
  • Let them know you have seen past the myth of homework. You know that overwhelming children with makework homework is not a sign of a good education.
  • Emphasize the need for family time at home free of useless busywork.
  • Call for a modification of our school calendar to catch up with other countries.
  • Don’t get discouraged when your first efforts are dismissed. Moving bureaucracies to change is difficult, but not impossible. Pace yourself, and don’t give up.
  • The above goes for your state’s Department of Education, too.

4. Use Your Tools.

  • Share this article on Facebook. Tweet it. Stumble it. Spread the word.

You are not alone in feeling that our children need to be unburdened from most if not all of their take-home busywork. They deserve more family time today and a better chance at success tomorrow. You can help make “Less Homework” a reality in schools everywhere. Do it.

 

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The Influence of Teachers

June 28, 2011

Because I write for kids about social and emotional learning I spend a fair amount of time in schools presenting to students, teachers and parents. My perception of any school is only a snapshot, but it’s often revealing and well… educational.

Over the years I’ve had the privilege of meeting and observing many many wonderful administrators, counselors and teachers. These men and women are highly effective educators and leaders, as well as compassionate human beings and beloved mentors. Each is a special gift to their students but it’s a gift all students deserve.

In my travels I’ve also encountered those who seriously have no business working with kids. A middle school coach who screams like a Marine drill sergeant. A teacher who sarcastically greets a specialist with: “Thank god you’re here. JOEY! GO!! Take him!” A school secretary who viciously brow-beats a timid group of late-arriving students.

Once, during a professional training I led (for which all teachers were paid to attend) one teacher continuously texted, one slept, and another graded papers never once looking up or participating in a lively discussion on how to encourage students to be more respectful in class.

When I encounter folks like these I wonder, Why are these people permitted to teach? Everyone knows who the “bad” teachers in any school are and yet year after year their principals agree to let them continue damaging children. Why?! How do the bad teacher’s students and their parents feel about the sentence they’re serving in that class? What, if any, are their rights? How does having a bad teacher as a colleague makes the good teachers at the school feel?

A book that can change American public education

A book that can change American public education

John Merrow, author of The Influence of Teachers: Reflections on Teaching and Leadership, has also wondered and researched and documented these issues and others. The result is the best book about education I’ve ever read. Merrow has been covering the field for NPR and PBS since 1974 and is currently Education Correspondent for PBS NewsHour and President of Learning Matters, Inc., an independent production company in New York City.

I love books that make me think in new ways. I especially appreciate those that shine a well-informed light on the political and social dynamics of institutions that affect children. Merrow knows the situation in American public schools. He’s taken the time to interview district-wide stake-holders in many communities. He finds too many public and charter schools damaging the kids they ought to be committed to serve. In light of the ongoing national conversation on school reform, this isn’t a surprise. What is surprising is how directly Merrow defines the problem and calls out those most responsible for perpetuating a broken system. The way he sees it, leadership is key and that key has been missing for too long at the district, school and classroom levels.

If you’re lucky enough to be satisfied with your kids’ schools you might think, “Yeah, that’s a shame, but it’s not my problem.” Of course it is. Kids coming out of under-functioning schools are heading toward an adulthood with few bright options and many frustrations. Cheated by their schools, they’re turned out into society under-educated and lacking the ability to think critically. With what they’ve been given, they can’t succeed. In a nation that claims “Our children are our greatest resource” that is nothing short of criminal.

I urge you to read The Influence of Teachers. Encourage parents, teachers, administrators, superintendents to do the same. Come armed with it to the fall’s first PTO meeting. Get real about what’s broken in your school. Use John Merrow’s strong recommendations and work together.  We’ve got to do this for our kids. If not, they can rightly assume we don’t care all that much about them or the country’s future.

 

UPDATE: Exciting news! A new teacher training bill was introduced in the Senate on Wednesday. It’s called Crowing Excellent Achievement Training Academies for Teachers and Principals. Read more.

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The case of the malfunctioning bikini

June 22, 2011

Summer is the time for letting loose. But when things get too loose, well… you might find yourself in an embarrassing situation. Like the girl who wrote to me the other day:

OMG!!

Hey Terra,

Me and my friends were at the pool and I was taking off the shorts I was wearing over my bikini. The side ties must have untied because my bikini started to slip off with my shorts! People say they saw part of my butt and my front part. I AM SOOO ASHAMED & EMBARRASSED. HELP!

Seriously Upset

Dear Seriously Upset,

That was an embarrassing moment… for sure. I understand. What happened isn’t something you chose and it’s certainly not something you expected. Call it a “wardrobe malfunction”… it happens to everyone at times. And that time it happened to you. I’ve got no Time Machine so I can’t help you un-do this, but you’ve got choices moving forward (the only direction the road goes in Life). You can:

a) Spend the rest of the summer hiding out in your room or only go out with a well-ventilated paper bag over your head.

b) Sew or staple the bikini ties so they can’t come undone. If the top has ties too, Super Glue them together.

c) Wear a one piece bathing suit (do they still sell those?) Or a two piece that doesn’t have ties.

d) Go out tomorrow with your friends and get seriously upset with anybody who talks about what happened. Yell at them and make a huge scene. Not that you want to embarrass yourself again but…it’ll give them something to talk about!

e) Hold your head up high because you didn’t actually DO anything to be ashamed of. When/if someone brings up the bikini incident (and someone might) just pretend you’re an Academy Award winning actor who’s in total control of her performance. LAUGH WITH THEM and in between giggles and a series of cute hair flips say, “OMG! That was totally embarrassing!!” In other words… take charge because, Sweetie, no one can make you feel humiliated without your permission.

It’s your life. Your choice. Which one do you pick?

In friendship,
Terra

UPDATE: Seriously Upset wrote back today and told me she chose “e”.  She went on to say “I just smile and laugh and get over it because it was a few days ago and now it’s old news.”

Smart girl!

Filed under: Teens — Tags: , , , , , — Annie @ 12:25 pm
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