Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Got a Strategic Parenting Plan? Get one!

March 3, 2010

What's the plan, Dad?

What's the plan, Dad?

I do a fair amount of parent education seminars. If you’ve ever caught my act you know my presentation style is very casual. But while it may look like all I’m doing is leading discussions based on teen email from the likes of “Invisible Loser” and “Stuck and Lonely” plus sharing war stories about discovering our daughter on the phone with her boyfriend at 2:37 AM (on a school night!) and morphing into Godzilla in the doorway of our son’s absurdly cluttered room… I actually prepare for every parenting workshop. Seriously. I’m a teacher. Educational objectives and lesson plans and are in my DNA.

All parents are teachers. At 18 your kids will graduate from your private school of human development and race into the world with a bunch of lessons learned… from you.

What will your exit exam measure? Not sure? You’re not alone. In the first 5 years of a child’s life parents have a packed curriculum for their little ones to master (walking, talking, potty training, toy sharing, nose-blowing, etc.). But beyond 1st or 2nd grade parenting objectives start getting fuzzy.

As parents of teens your days of close-at-hand parenting are numbered. So if you are currently a bit unclear about some of your parenting goals maybe I can help. Here’s a question I often ask at my workshops: What are your top 5 parenting objectives? That is, by the time your kid graduates high school and begins the first chapter of adult life, what kind of person would you like him/her to be?

Usual responses include:

· Self-sufficient

· Independent

· Caring

· Responsible

· A good friend

· Productive

· Honest

· Self-confident

· Healthy life style

· Able to make good decisions

It’s a great starter list, but listing goals is obviously easier than working to achieve them so here’s my next question: What are you consciously doing to support the development of the skills and character traits you say you want for your kids? I realize that’s a tough one because we’re all so busy. But if you buy into the premise that parents are teachers and have some accountability for the way their kids turn out then you need a strategic parenting plan.

That means you’ve got to figure out a) what your plan is and b) how to put it into action. How else will your kids get to the place you say you want them to reach by the time their packing for college? Most of us don’t usually think about parenting in such concrete ways. But Mom, Dad, with all due respect, if you’ve got no game plan, your list of parenting objectives are just of bunch of words. Granted, raising kids is an art and not a science, but still, if you’ve got things you want them to learn from you, then you have to teach them.

Here’s my final question for today: What might you be doing (consciously or unconsciously) to undermine your own stated objectives? Maybe you say that you want your child to be self-sufficient, but you’re still dragging your 15 year old out of bed every morning, making him lunch and checking his homework. Maybe you say you want your 14 year old to be self-confident, but you also routinely tell her she’s lazy, rude, self-centered and can’t do anything right.

You get the idea. You need to be aware of your parenting objectives and you need to be the kind of teacher that supports your own curriculum every single day.

One more thing to keep in mind… if you’re not personally modeling what you teach, then you’re teaching something else. Simply put, you can’t expect your kids to treat you with respect if you are routinely rude to them as well as to waiters, cashiers, etc. Your kids are watching, listening and learning.

Class dismissed. See you next time.

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Guest blogger: 2 Young 2 Be a Mom

March 1, 2010

By Carmen Alisa Sweeney-Rios

Carmen Alisa Sweeney-Rios became a single mom at 16. After a second teen pregnancy and a battle with depression for most of her teen and adult life, she dug deep to find answers. Now recovered from depression, married and the mom of six sons, Carmen shares her journey  along with the stories of others whose lives have been affected by teen pregnancy in her blog.  You can also follow her on twitter. That’s where I met her. Here’s to you and your journey, Carmen!

She's so impressionable. Make an impression that helps her stay strong.

She's so impressionable. Make an impression that helps her stay strong.

Sometimes it is easier to give in than to stand up and fight for what we know is right. When times are tough and the goal seems impossible to reach, it is then that we need the hand of a friend to pull us ahead and lead us with kindness in their voice. Life is tough in general and when environmental megaphones such as peer pressure, puberty and powerful media campaigns get an anchor on our adolescent girls, they need a hand to hold and a voice to lead them out of the deep.

Would you like to be that hand and voice in her life? Be there for your daughter, your granddaughter, your niece, your patient or that struggling foster child. One by one, hand in hand, we can make an impact on their lives and a difference in the future or our young women. Let them know that they are not alone and teach them the road to happiness and success is found through self-respect, communication, education and discipline. You will both have a brighter future because of this.

Our adolescent girls need to be taken care of, supervised, educated, empowered and loved. Be the one to do this for her or she will find a young man with other priorities who will be the hand and voice. Do you think his message will be similar to yours or as healthy? Because of her need for guidance and love, she may choose to give in to him and before you know it her smile becomes a bridge of tears and her life full of chaos and fear. Talk to her, be there for her, so that she may make an educated choice that will lead her into a bright future, not one of adversity and despair. Care enough to make a difference in the life of a child. They need you. Don’t abandon them. Love them. Supervise them. Educate them.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , , — Annie @ 11:29 am
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Podcast: Autism, acceptance and the path toward independence

February 24, 2010

"Raising Brandon: Creating a Path to Independence for your Adult 'Kid' with Autism & Special Needs"

"Raising Brandon: Creating a Path to Independence for your Adult 'Kid' with Autism & Special Needs"

As an optimist I believe, no matter what, spring will come and seeds will grow. So a couple of weeks ago during a winter storm I popped a dozen organic beans into biodegradable pots. Every other day I watered them. I took them out whenever the sun showed its face and I dutifully retrieved them at night so they wouldn’t catch a chill. This morning my baby beans measured 4 inches tall so I shuttled them up to the garden and tucked them in. Tomorrow I expect to see at least one beanstalk poking through the clouds and by June I know I’ll bask in the green glow of my neighbors’ envy.

Parents are by far the most optimistic gardeners. Once the seed’s planted we naturally assume our baby will be above average in all ways. Healthy, sweet-tempered, a champion sleeper and oh so smart, talented and athletic.  But when tiny baby or growing child doesn’t match our expectations for whatever reason, parents may feel ashamed, guilty, angry or all of the above.

If you’ve got a special needs child you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even as you deal with today’s parenting challenges you may also worry about how your child will find his way when he’s no longer a child and must deal with the world’s expectations. At those times nothing is more encouraging than talking with an experienced parent who is ahead of you on the path, offering practical advice and hope. Those special people are like a breath of spring, chasing cold fear from your heart.

In this week’s podcast I talk with Amalia Starr, author of Raising Brandon: Creating a Path to Independence for your Adult ‘Kid’ with Autism & Special Needs. Amalia is a family consultant and motivational speaker who specializes in supporting parents of children with special needs through workshops, seminars, and private sessions. Her results-based approach focuses on empowering both parents and their children to reach their full potential. As a mother, she has devoted more than thirty-six years to creating a path to independence for her son, Brandon.

Listen to my interview with Amalia Starr right here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC015.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Matthew Amster-Burton, author of Hungry Monkey: A Food-Loving Father’s Quest to Raise an Adventurous Eater

Salome Thomas-El (aka Principal El), author of I Choose to Stay: A Black Teacher Refuses to Desert the Inner City and  The Immortality of Influence: We Can Build The Best Minds of the Next Generation

David McQueen, international speaker empowering adults and youth alike on subjects such as leadership, careers and communication skills.

Hannah Friedman, author of Everything Sucks: Losing My Mind and Finding Myself in a High School Quest for Cool

Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If…

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

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We’re so proud of you… now

February 20, 2010

Way to go, son!

Way to go, son! (Photo by Daniel Tacci)

Crazy-fearless young snow boarders defy gravity  in the half-pipe. Who knows how the hell they do it, but man, it look like a total blast. Parents in the crowd, happily freezin’ for a reason, beam up unconditional love and support to their McTwisting young ‘uns. The commentator crows “Are  those proud parents or what?”

Well, yeah… your kid’s competing in the Olympics! What’s not to be proud? And by the way, looks like  he’s bringing home Vancouver gold so dust off the mantle. Talk about bragging rights, reflected glory, and a chunk of change from commercial endorsements. Not too shabby for a kid you worried wouldn’t amount to anything cause all he ever wanted was to do tricks.

It got me thinking that maybe the Flying Tomato and the other joyful but oh so focused kids on the boards weren’t always a source of parental pride. Just guessing there might have been a few heated conversations ’round the kitchen table about why the boy couldn’t think of a more ‘productive’ way to spend an afternoon.

What if the parents of  Shaun White and Louie Vito had come down heavy and managed to squelch their kids’ early passion? What if they took parental responsibility to mean “re-direct kid toward practical pursuits”? If every parent went that route I’m guessing there wouldn’t be Olympic snowboarding to thrill and inspire us landlubbers.

I’m wondering how often we parents, with all good and loving intentions, snuff out the flame of a kid’s interests because we don’t see where it could possibly lead? Just don’t see what they see.

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