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August 9, 2013
This week’s email delivered a truckload of back-to-school worries from teens who are shot through with stress hormones and exclamation points. Like this one, from “Anxious!”
Hey Terra,
So I’m starting a new year of school going to 8th grade! Last year I met my bff when she moved here from another state. We instantly connected and had basically every class together.
One day she asked me, “Are we bffl’s?”
I said “Of course!”
She said, “Great! Just making sure!’
When school ended all these thoughts came to mind: “What if she finds new best friends?’ “What if she’s bored with me?” “What if we don’t have any classes together!?”
Before school ended we talked about what if we have no classes together next year she said, “I would beg the counselor and say ‘I need classes with my friend please!!'” We laughed and agreed we’d both do that. But this is my worst nightmare: ‘What if we drift apart?!’
School starts in 3 weeks! I’m really excited but scared because I don’t wanna let go of our friendship because I just feel really comfortable with my bff and can talk about anything with her! What if I have no classes with her?! I’m sure the counselor won’t change my schedule just for that!
Anxious Almost 8th Grader
 Let the future write itself Dear Anxious,
I’m really sorry to hear you’re so worried about what might happen when school starts. It would be much more fun to enjoy the rest of the summer instead of stressing about this friendship. Do you know that worrying is actually a choice? And you can choose not to do it? It’s true. You may not be able to control every thought that pops into your head, but you can learn to notice when you’re thinking those worrying thoughts and choose to take slow deep breaths and put the brakes on before you get yourself so upset you can’t think straight.
You seem like a very smart girl, so here’s a fact to insert into that intelligent brain of yours: The stuff you’re imagining is not a predictor of the future. But the more you let those worrying thoughts swirl around inside your head the more real they seem. But they’re not real. The stuff you’re worrying may never happen the way you are imagining it. If any of it happens, it won’t turn out to be the terrible thing you are imagining.
Have you ever read a really exciting book and just couldn’t wait to find out what happens so you peeked ahead? You can do that with a book because the story has already been written. Even though you may only be on page 87, the “future” of the characters is planned and plotted and written right down to the last word. If want to peek ahead to page 90, you can read how things turn out. But your life isn’t a book. Your future isn’t written yet and it won’t be until it becomes Present Time. Do you understand what I’m saying, sweetie? You are worrying a lot about what’s going to happen this coming school year. But if “My 8th Grade Year” were a book and you peeked ahead all you would see are blank pages.
Right now, you are choosing to make up a bunch of stuff to go on those blank pages. You are filling pages with all the unpleasant things you are imagining: “What if she finds new best friends?” “What if she’s bored with me?” What if we nave NO classes together?!” Since you have such a good imagination, why not make up some pleasant stuff? That’s a choice too!
Or you can do this. Talk to your friend about what you’ve been worrying about. Share the feelings. Make an agreement that whatever happens in 8th grade, that you two will talk about it and work together to figure it out… that’s what real friends are for.
I hope this helps.
Now try to enjoy the rest of your summer vacation.
In friendship,
Terra
August 5, 2013
 We all want to feel welcome If your kids are moping because summer’s over, have a heart. If last school year had more downs than ups, drop the cheerleader act (“I guarantee this year will be so much better.”) Instead, get real and be on their side.
Every school year brings challenges. Many of them start before Day One. The most common: Getting out the door on time, worrying and making friends. Here’s help for each:
1. Getting up on time. If summer has meant no bedtime, start getting back in gear. If kids balk, tell them they’re in training for the start of school. Which is true. A day or two before the new term begins, put your kids through a “test run” of going to bed, getting up, ready and out the door on time. Monitor the clock, but let the kids do the whole thing. That’s the only way they’ll know how much time they actually need in on school mornings.
2. Dealing with anxiety: Life comes with many unknowns. Worrying about what “might happen,” can easily overwhelm and scare us. Encourage your child to talk about what’s on his/her mind about going back to school. Just listen as you child talks. If what you hear sounds like worrying, do not correct, interrupt or invalidate. Reassure yourself and your child that you will work together to deal with all challenges. Presenting what may come up a “challenge” vs. a “problem” can also help alleviate stress.
3. Making (new) friends: Young children who haven’t had success yet at making friends may feel nervous about trying. The same is true of t(w)eens who have been targeted by peers or dumped by friends. Parents can help younger children by talking with teachers and setting up play dates with especially friendly kids. A little success and confidence in making friends, one-on-one, in a home environment encourages friendship skills at school.
For older kids, try not to hover or you may signal that you are disappointed in your child for not being more popular. Fitting in with peers is a key mission of adolescence. You have to let them build self-confidence and figure out how to find their own friends. What you can do is encourage participation in after school activities. (Not the same as nagging.) This will give your tween/teen more opportunities to meet kids who share some of their interests. Make sure that you let your child’s interests guide the choice of activity.
*******
Onward toward launch day, unless your kids are already launched, in which case, I hope they’re gotten off to a great start. More about transitioning back to school later this week.
August 1, 2013
With all the Back to School sales, where do you get new friends? I recently got this email from a teen who’s dealing with family stuff and major friendship challenges.
Hey Terra,
My grandpa died recently. I loved him so much. Now I feel like I have no one to turn to because my friends don’t seem to care. At first they helped me cope with my grandpa’s death but now they hardly speak to me. My mind’s all over the place. I’ve never felt this vulnerable or lonely. And school starts next week! How can I try and make new friends?
All Alone
 Lean on me Dear All Alone,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. This is a sad time for your family. Hold each other close and help each other through the heartache.
As for your friends, they care about you. But maybe they’re afraid they’ll say the “wrong thing” and upset you, so they believe it’s safer not to talk to you at all. (Fear doesn’t usually make us smarter or kinder.) When it comes to a major life changes like death, divorce, illness, injury, kids and adults often a) pretend nothing happened and/or b) avoid the person who really needs support. I understand what you’re going through. My dad died when I was 15 and my friends were as awkward and unhelpful as yours. You want and deserve more support. But where can you get it? Your parents? Siblings? Cousins? Yes! You’ve all lost Grandpa and you all have shared memories of him. Talk to family members about how “vulnerable,” “lonely” and sad you’ve been feeling.
You can also make new friends. The start of school is a great time for mixing things up and reaching out to new people. Think about what you’re looking for in a friend. For example, what’s important to you when it comes to friendship? Make a couple of real lists on the computer or better yet, on paper. On one, describe the personality traits you most admire in a real friend. On the other, describe the kind of friend you are. In other words, what are your best “friendship” traits? When you’re done with both lists start “shopping.” Keep your mind and heart open, be friendly, and you will find new friends.
Good luck and have a great school year.
In friendship,
Terra (aka Annie)
July 29, 2013
 Hey dude. Welcome back. During the school year The Routine keeps the family on a short leash, jolting us into each day: “Get up or you’ll be late! Quit hogging the bathroom! Quit texting and finish your breakfast! Where’s your homework? Don’t forget your cleats! Get going!!”
Then summer comes. We exhale. We’re off leash. The voice inside our head takes a vacation and happily forgets to write. We feel free. And it dawns on us that, yes, we are human beings, not machines.
Hopefully every adult and child in your family had some special time during the break. Time together for fun and bonding. Time on alone for fun and self-discovery.
Now’s the time to get back in gear. It’s an adjustment for everyone. But for some kids going back to school is a real challenge, especially if last year wasn’t memorable in a good way. Maybe there was a personality clash with a “difficult” teacher. Or the (home)work repeatedly overwhelmed brain and emotions. Maybe there were issues with friends or ex-friends that made school a battlefield. If any of this happened to your kids, not surprising they don’t want to go back. But go they must.
So your job is to make it easier. Call a family meeting to debrief from last school year. Because let’s face it, not everything you and your kids did last term is worth replaying. It’s probably safe to say that a lot of what went down ought to be avoided. NOTE: I’m not implying that all the social garbage and arguments were intentional or avoidable, but I do know this:
1. It takes one person to start an argument. But it takes two people to keep it going.
2. Doing nothing in the face of a bad situation typically encourages more of the same.
3. People aren’t mind-readers. You’ve gotta tell them how you feel and actively teach them how to treat you.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. Suffering (blaming, feeling sorry for yourself, and/or rehashing) are optional.
So gather the troops for a safe and open conversation about what you each did (at home, at school, and online) that worked well last year and what didn’t. This may take 30 minutes, give or take, so schedule accordingly. If you blow off the family meeting rules (no interrupting, no invalidating, etc.) it’ll take longer and accomplish much less. More tips for a successful family meeting:
- Turn off all digital devices.
- Insist on respectful listening. Model it too.
- Bring snacks.
- Appoint a “secretary” to record new family agreements and policy. That way later, no one can get away with “I/You never said that!”
- Meet together regularly for progress reports. Celebrate what’s working. Tweak what isn’t.
Working together, as a family, you can contribute to a better school year for your kids and yourself. Good luck!
In friendship,
Annie
PS I’ll be writing more about Back-to-School challenges in the coming days. Stay tuned.
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