Empty Nest | Annie Fox's Blog

For Parents: They’re growing up! So where’s your smile?

March 14, 2009

16 and taking on the world

Remember your “job description” posted at the bottom of your child’s birth certificate? No? Understandable. At the time they handed over the document you were still drunk on the radiant beauty of your newborn – experiencing something cosmic and way beyond the reach of words. If you had any cogent thoughts during those first few weeks, perhaps what filtered through was a sublime awareness that you were now officially part of the Chain of Life and thus inalterably altered. Simultaneously softened and strengthened. And now forever unable to watch (without weeping) any film or news report where children were hurt, sick or scared.

You were a new parent, so who could blame you if you didn’t read the fine print?

Not to worry. I’ve got a magnifying glass and my daughter’s birth certificate right here. They’ve all got the same clause at the bottom so I’ll just tell you what it says:

“Congratulations on the birth of your child. It’s your job to transform this sweet little pumpkin into a fully functioning adult. You’ve got just 18 years. And your time starts…. NOW.”

Each milestone in our kids’ lives is a reminder that they’re progressing toward not needing us at all. (Anyone wince at that? If you did please re-read the previous paragraph.) That’s what you signed up for: to help them move toward independence. Which is why you should rejoice along with them when they climb out of their crib, learn to open the refrigerator, and choose their own books, bedtime, music, clothes, hairstyles, food, interests, friends, ideas, plans, beliefs.

Graduation season is around the corner. Whether your child is advancing into kindergarten, middle school, high school or college, they’re on to a new chapter. If you’d rather hang on to the old one, sorry, but that’s not an option. You do have a choice though. You can deny that they’re outgrowing their need for round the clock parenting (not a path I’d recommend as it will only lead to major push-back starting from 5^th or 6^th grade) OR you can prepare now for your emptier nest. Here’s how:

Create some new goals for yourself — If you chose well, working on a personal goal will sustain you as your child races toward independence.
Make some new friends — The majority of your friends may be the parents of your kids’ friends. Nothing wrong with that, except that it often leads exclusively to kid-centered conversations. Following your own interests (see #1) connects you with new friends who share those interests.
Revitalize your relationship — If you’re fortunate enough to be part of a loving couple, plan together for your emptier nest. Support each other’s feelings about the changes. Schedule fun time together as a couple. Hopefully you’ll rediscover what’s at the core of your relationship and create a healthy new chapter for the two of you.
Re-focus on your social life — If you’re single and you’re interested in dating, but haven’t as yet because of parenting obligations, now may be the time to start letting friends know that you’re “looking” again.
Avoid over-parenting your younger children — Of course you need to continue parenting, but redirecting all of your energy toward your younger kid(s) spells trouble and is very likely to cause resentment and conflict. Don’t go there!

Life within a family is constantly changing. We just don’t always notice it until things like graduation remind us “Oh, yeah. They’re growing up!” Hopefully we’re all learning to deal with our emotions when we find ourselves in a new chapter. Give your kids a vote of confidence by showing them that not only do you know how to let go, but you’re happy to do it. (‘Cause you trust them and because you’re going places too!)

Catch you later. David and I are going to the movies.

Filed under: Parenting,Tips — Tags: empty nest, growing up, letting go — Annie @ 1:55 pm

Comments (2)

For Parents: How not to welcome them home

January 2, 2009

Ice Cream Break in Costa Rica

Play your cards right and your empty nest isn’t empty 100% of the time. Since we officially became empty nesters in May 2007, ours has shifted from accommodating just me, David and Vermont, to periods where 5 people lived here, then 4, then 2, then 3, then 5 and now a new configuration of 3. The key to success when coming together again, at home or on vacation, is replacing the old parent-child relationship with one that matches the new reality of who “the kids” have become.

Having our daughter and son, their significant others and/or their friends stay with us from time to time is a wish fulfilled. Because going home for the holidays was never much of a vacation for me… at least not after the first day. My mom and I were hopelessly stuck in a mutually destructive gear. It wasn’t until the last year of her life, when she was terminally ill, that we finally figured out how to have a wonderful relationship… as two adults.

I didn’t want to wait until I was dying to make peace with my adult children. So I’ve worked hard to maintain a healthy relationship with them. The efforts have paid off, but it takes an ongoing commitment.

Since we’ve got no mind readers here and we don’t worship at the altar of “Grin and bear it” when our kids come back to live temporarily, as our daughter recently did after completing a year of travel, we call a family meeting to discuss everyone’s expectations and needs during the new arrangement. It usually boils down to two basics:

Parents: We want to feel like we’re all adults on the same team, sharing the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.

Young adults: We want to be treated like adults, not kids who need your input on how to live our lives.

Sounds like we’ve got a deal. That’s why one of my New Year’s resolutions is “Give no unsolicited advice.” Why bother? Adult children (teens too) don’t want it. They won’t accept it. And they resent you for offering it. Want less resentment? Quit giving them advice. Good advice! But damnit I give advice for a living! Keeping my mouth shut when I’ve got a helpful suggestion will be tough. It will also be poetic justice.

Receiving unsolicited advice from my mother drove me nuts. I protested that she was treating me like a child. I also demonstrated my immaturity by dismissing all of her advice… especially the really good suggestions. I now understand that her way of loving me was to help me avoid mistakes. Even though Mom and I danced around in circles, here are some essential life lessons learned in her class: a) No one takes away your power unless you hand it over. b) “Why don’t you put on a sweater?” means “I love you.” and c) When hanging out with your adult children, talk less and listen more.

Here’s a New Year’s challenge for you, if you’re game… take a look at your relationship with each of your children. Now fast forward to a time when they return, as young adults to visit you. What would you like to see your relationship develop into? What could you start doing today (or stop doing) that might help you reach the place you want to be with them when they grow up?

If you have any thoughts to share please post your comments!

In the meantime, Happy New Year from our family to yours… And good luck playing your cards right in 2009.