Family confidential | Annie Fox's Blog

Kids from hard places need soft places to reside

March 31, 2014

An essential book for adoptive parents

When kids “act out” you’d better believe strong emotions are the drivers. Parents and teachers usually pay attention to the behavior without taking time and patience to dig deeper and discover the trigger that unleashed the storm. What’s causing such distress in this child that s/he is acting this way? Discovering the answer is key to understanding children and ultimately helping them a) understand themselves better b) effectively manage their destructive emotions c) express themselves in socially responsible ways so that d) they can get their needs met without causing harm to themselves or others.

This truth was illustrated beautifully in a story Dr. Karyn Purvis told me during our interview for my podcast, Family Confidential back in 2010. Dr. Purvis is a Developmental Psychologist and Director of the Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University (TCU) in Fort Worth. For the past decade, she and her colleagues have been developing research-based interventions for at-risk children. Dr. Purvis is also the co-author of The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, a book that has helped countless adoptive and foster parents better connect with their children who have come from “hard” places.

In our recorded conversation Dr. Purvis tells me about a little girl playing in the kitchen while her mom makes dinner. The girl asks for a candy bar. Mom says, “No, sweetheart. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.” The girl has a full-fledged meltdown, screaming, crying inconsolably. She throws things and physically and verbally abuses her mother. Mom has no idea what’s going on and feels powerless to help her daughter.

In desperation, Mom turns to Dr. Purvis and comes away with a better understanding of what was going on and how to meet her little girl’s needs without giving her candy every time she asks. Turns out this child was adopted from an orphanage where she often did not get enough to eat. When her mom said “no” to the candy, the girl panicked and remembered feeling powerless as she cried out in hungry, only to be ignored. Dr. Purvis’ compassionate response helped the mom and the child immeasurably. What was the solution?

You need to hear my never-before-published interview with Karyn Purvis, an educator for whom I have the highest respect and admiration. Listen in.

Filed under: Family Confidential,Parenting,Parenting Books — Tags: adoption, At-risk-children, Dr. Karyn Purvis, Family confidential, Podcast, The Connected Child, The Institute of Child Development — Annie @ 10:33 am

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Helping teens debunk the myth of ‘Normal’

March 24, 2014

I was in high school when I read David and Lisa, by Theodore Rubin. (The book and the ground-breaking film on which it’s based, are both profound and well worth checking out.)

David and Lisa are a couple of teens with “issues” who meet and fall in love in a residential treatment center. When the kids from the center go on a neighborhood field trip they encounter a group of “typical” teens who mock them viciously for not being “normal.” To which David counters: “If you’re normal who wants to be normal??” (Best comeback ever!)

The character’s self-confident defiance launched a personal revolution inside my head. Come to think of it, that single line of dialogue has probably been the engine driving much of what I do, what I write, and what I teach.

User’s manual for parents of teens

So what is “normal”? That’s what I wanted to explore when I sat down recently with my Family Confidential podcast guest, Dr. Jennifer Wider MD. Jennifer aka, Jena, is a nationally renowned women’s health expert, author, and radio host. Her weekly radio segment on Cosmo Radio is called “Am I Normal?” Dr. Wider’s latest book (co-authored with Logan Levkoff, PhD) is Got Teens? The Doctor Moms’ Guide to Sexuality, Social Media and Other Adolescent Realities. Learn more at DrWider.com.

Jena and I had such a dynamic conversation about the myth of “normal” I wanted to share it here. I can’t think of anything more essential to the emotional well-being of young people than helping them bust out the confines of living up to someone else’s idea of how they should look, feel and think so they can gain confidence to be themselves. Listen in on our conversation here.

Filed under: Family Confidential,Parenting,Podcast — Tags: David and Lisa, Family confidential, Got Teens?, Jennifer Wider, Podcast, The myth of normal, Theodore Rubin — Annie @ 9:45 am

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Teens, Dating and Autism

March 17, 2014

We’re all “making it up” as we go along, aren’t we?

It’s been nearly seventeen years since I launched my first teen website (TheInSite). And what I know from the non-stop flow of email questions is that dating is hard for all teens. For teens on the spectrum, who have challenges reading social cues as well as a lower need for attachment and emotional connection than neuro-typical kids, dating can be especially daunting.

Enter Dr. Andrew Schlegelmilch, Ph.D., clinical psychologist who specializes in working with individuals who have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and their families. He’s also the Head Psychologist at Orion Academy, a preparatory high school for ASD teens in Moraga, California, where, among his other duties, he teaches classes in Sex and Dating. His new book, Parenting ASD Teens will be available in May.

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Andrew for my Family Confidential podcast. We talked openly about helping teens with ASD understand sex and navigate their social lives. Listen in here.

Filed under: Family Confidential,Parenting,Podcast — Tags: Annie Fox, Autism, Dr. Andrew Schlegelmilch, Family confidential, Orion Academy, Parenting ASD Teens, Podcast, The InSite — Annie @ 9:15 am

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Mom, why are you being such a B#$@%?!

December 4, 2013

Lots going on this time of year. (Props for taking time to read a blog.) We feel pressure to make the holidays “perfect.” Pressure to spend. Pressure to save. Pressure to get the kids to behave. We all have moments when we trade “nice” for B#$@%. We’re human and we get stressed. But when we show more Beast than Loving Parent, we are damaging our children. That’s a problem that keeps making problems. The good news? We are key to the solution.

The following article is an excerpt from my book: Teaching Kids to Be Good People (If you’re interested, it’s 50% off for the holidays Code 3MZQS83F)

I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel Simmons the Wise for my podcast series. We talked about her book The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence. We also discussed how often parents engage in meta-conversations with their children (i.e., parent says one thing and an unspoken message churns just below the surface).

With all that doublespeak how can a t(w)een learn to be authentic and express the truth of her heart? Not very easily. And it isn’t just parents and daughters. As Rachel put it, no matter who you’re talking to or what relationship you’ve got, “there’s always a meta-conversation going on.”

Parent: Oh, you’re still playing that game.
Meta-message: I just know you won’t get your homework
done tonight and then what? You think I like being on your case? Well, I don’t! But if I don’t keep after you how are you ever going to get into a decent college?
Mini meta-message: You’re lazy and I’m disappointed in you.

________

Parent: Don’t you think your other jeans would look better with that top?
Meta-message: Those jeans are too tight and too low cut. They make you look fat and slutty. What will Grandma say when she sees you wearing that? She’s going to think I’m a terrible mother to let you dress that way!
Mini meta-message: You’re fat and you embarrass me.

________

Parent: How’s your buddy Ryan these days?
Meta-message: Are you two still friends? Did something
happen between you? Are you now hanging out with people I should be worried about? (Sigh) You and I used to be able to talk about stuff. Now you don’t tell me anything. What else are you hiding from me? Maybe I don’t even want to know!
Mini meta-message: You’re disloyal and untrustworthy.

________

I’ve been thinking about meta-messages and how I use them. Whether they’re conscious or not, communication patterns between people often determine who we like to hang out with and who doesn’t make our FAVS list.

Josie 2009-2012

During the holidays a few years back, Josie and I snuck out of the house before anyone else was up. Because she was still full of puppy beans and needed her off-leash time, we headed for the nearby hills. She instantly vanished through the trees tracking deer and squirrels and nosing the underbrush for ticks thumbing a ride. While she was gone I walked on, enjoying the quiet light and the colors. Every so often I’d whistle for Josie and she’d reappear, sometimes from behind me on the trail, sometimes way ahead. We’d smile at each other and wag our tails. “Yes! Good dog!” Then I’d give her a treat. After each reunion she’d take off again and I continued hiking.

So it went for an hour. When I finally put her back on leash I thought about the meta-conversation we had and why Josie happily kept returning to me. The way I figure, it comes down to this . . . each of us, dog and human, prefers to hang with those who tell us we are good dogs.

It also helps if they give us treats.
_______________
We’re in the darkest days of the year, so how about lightening up? Catch someone you love in the act of doing something right. Drop the meta-messages and smile.