Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

My (very bad) bad

March 20, 2011

My batting average for giving helpful advice is above .500. Like anything else, if you keep practicing you get better and I’ve been at my Hey Terra! online teen advisor gig for 14 years now, so I know I’m improving. But I don’t always hit it out of the park. I really messed up the other day and I’m going public because I want you parents to know that even if you f-up, you can give it another shot and try to redeem yourself.

So I got this email from a girl who described how she was masturbating a guy during class. I know, I know… it made me crazy too, which is exactly why I messed up! But I’m getting ahead of myself. She wrote to me because she was afraid if she discontinued service the boy would “get mad.” Her question: What do I do?

I wrote back:
Can I ask you a few questions so I can understand this situation better?
Why did you think this was a good idea in the first place? (Just curious)
Now it seems like you don’t think this is a good idea. What made you change your mind?
One more question: Why is it so important that this guy continue to think that you are a girl who will do whatever he wants?

On the surface my response sounds reasonable, right? But just below the pixels on the screen I was SCREAMING with justifiably righteous feminist indignation! And the girl picked it up immediately and wrote back how she regretted writing to me. Didn’t appreciate how I mocked her and busted me for being “unsupportive.”

OW! That hit hard. I felt crappy. I mean, I’ve been doing this all these years because I want to help teens sort out their feelings when they’re confused. I want to help them make choices that reflect who they really are, not who someone else pressures them to be. I pride myself in offering non-judgmental support. But I eviscerated my own policy and totally judged that girl. She felt attacked because I attacked her!

I wrote back immediately:
Please forgive me for judging you. I was wrong and I apologize. I was trying to help you but I didn’t express myself very well. I’d like to try again.

I’m glad you wrote to me and I respect you for it. I think it’s important for you to get some help understanding why you got into this situation to begin with. Until you understand why you chose to do this then you are very likely to get into these uncomfortable situations again. I’m sure you don’t want that.

As for getting out of it now, you can do that! Here’s how: Either you either tell the guy, “I’m not doing that anymore” and if he gets mad, so be it. OR you can simply make it clear by the way you sit (with your hands away from him) that you’re no longer going to do it. If he asks you what’s going on you can simply say, “Not doing that anymore.” End of conversation.

In any situation you find yourself you always have options. I hope what I’ve written gives you something to think about. Your email has given me lots to think about and I want to thank for that.

In friendship,
Annie

 

UPDATE: The girl wrote back to me two days after my second email to her and she thanked me for my help and wanted to let me know that her “problem” was resolved. So I guess it worked out well. Truthfully, I was grateful for what I learned from the interaction.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 2:58 pm
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New year. Go for it!

January 1, 2011

But what if she says no!?

It doesn’t matter how old we are, there are and will continue to be times we hold ourselves back from what we really want to do if only…

I’m not talking about resisting the impulse to tell somebody off or to wolf down an entire pizza. I’m talking about putting the brakes on choices we’d actually feel good about.

Sometimes a weird, illogical hesitancy comes over me while I’m trying to make a decision. There’s never any physical danger involved in doing the thing. And it’s not about abandoning any core values. And yet… something keeps me from actually making the move I’d probably pat myself on the back for. Maybe you’ve been on the cusp of a “Kinda Wanna, Kinda Don’t” choice, so you know the feeling.

Ever wonder what that’s about? I don’t have a clue what’s true for you, but when I’m there it’s usually because I:

a) Never did the thing before

b) Feel scared of failing and making a fool of myself

c)  Worry I’ll succeed and then things will change too much

d) Stress about what other people will say or think or do

e) All of the above

Yesterday I got an email from a teen paralyzed in the crosshairs of a Kinda Wanna, Kinda Don’t moment:

Hey Terra,

I’m a freshman in high school and I really like this girl. (What else is new?) Anyway, I’ve known her for about a year and I want to ask her out. The problems and problematic thoughts include: ‘I’m nervous’, ‘What if she says no?’, and ‘What if I’m not good enough?’. I have absolutely no idea how I should approach her and how to phrase me asking her out. Please help!

Shy Guy

Not sure exactly what Shy Guy expected from me, but here’s what he got:

Dear Shy Guy,

First piece of advice is to RELAX. Take some slow deep breaths (I’m serious!)

INHALE (s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly) through your nose to the count of 5

EXHALE (s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly) through your mouth to the count of 7

Go ahead… try it… I’ll wait. ;O)

OK, now, hopefully you’re feeling calmer and saner. Let’s talk… Is there really “a problem” here? You like the girl. That’s not a problem, that’s a good thing. (A smile would be an appropriate reaction.) You want to ask her out. That’s not a problem either. It’s an opportunity!

The real challenge here is getting past your “problematic thoughts.” They are the only obstacles in your path. And in case you never realized this, I’ll let you in on a secret: thoughts aren’t real.  Got a mile high, mile long brick wall in your path? Now that’s a real obstacle! But a thought? Nope. But don’t get me wrong. Thoughts can and often do get in everyone’s way. But only when we let them.

So what’s REALLY in your way? Let me guess. Fear of rejection. Is that a possibility if you ask the girl out? Absolutely! But it’s not guaranteed. Whenever you put yourself out there socially there’s the chance you’ll get snubbed or mocked or whatever. There’s also the chance you’ll hit the jackpot in the form of a great friendship or something more. So, my question for you: Is it worth the risk?

It’s your new year. Your movie. Your choice.

In friendship,
Terra

Not bad advice. Think I’ll try it.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: , , , , — Annie @ 2:09 pm
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