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Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

My (very bad) bad

March 20, 2011

My batting average for giving helpful advice is above .500. Like anything else, if you keep practicing you get better and I’ve been at my Hey Terra! online teen advisor gig for 14 years now, so I know I’m improving. But I don’t always hit it out of the park. I really messed up the other day and I’m going public because I want you parents to know that even if you f-up, you can give it another shot and try to redeem yourself.

So I got this email from a girl who described how she was masturbating a guy during class. I know, I know… it made me crazy too, which is exactly why I messed up! But I’m getting ahead of myself. She wrote to me because she was afraid if she discontinued service the boy would “get mad.” Her question: What do I do?

I wrote back:
Can I ask you a few questions so I can understand this situation better?
Why did you think this was a good idea in the first place? (Just curious)
Now it seems like you don’t think this is a good idea. What made you change your mind?
One more question: Why is it so important that this guy continue to think that you are a girl who will do whatever he wants?

On the surface my response sounds reasonable, right? But just below the pixels on the screen I was SCREAMING with justifiably righteous feminist indignation! And the girl picked it up immediately and wrote back how she regretted writing to me. Didn’t appreciate how I mocked her and busted me for being “unsupportive.”

OW! That hit hard. I felt crappy. I mean, I’ve been doing this all these years because I want to help teens sort out their feelings when they’re confused. I want to help them make choices that reflect who they really are, not who someone else pressures them to be. I pride myself in offering non-judgmental support. But I eviscerated my own policy and totally judged that girl. She felt attacked because I attacked her!

I wrote back immediately:
Please forgive me for judging you. I was wrong and I apologize. I was trying to help you but I didn’t express myself very well. I’d like to try again.

I’m glad you wrote to me and I respect you for it. I think it’s important for you to get some help understanding why you got into this situation to begin with. Until you understand why you chose to do this then you are very likely to get into these uncomfortable situations again. I’m sure you don’t want that.

As for getting out of it now, you can do that! Here’s how: Either you either tell the guy, “I’m not doing that anymore” and if he gets mad, so be it. OR you can simply make it clear by the way you sit (with your hands away from him) that you’re no longer going to do it. If he asks you what’s going on you can simply say, “Not doing that anymore.” End of conversation.

In any situation you find yourself you always have options. I hope what I’ve written gives you something to think about. Your email has given me lots to think about and I want to thank for that.

In friendship,
Annie

 

UPDATE: The girl wrote back to me two days after my second email to her and she thanked me for my help and wanted to let me know that her “problem” was resolved. So I guess it worked out well. Truthfully, I was grateful for what I learned from the interaction.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 2:58 pm
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First she said she would but now she won’t…

September 16, 2009

We all need time to reflect

We all need time to reflect

Got email from a teen confused about Mom’s reaction to the fact that the girl and her boyfriend were having sex. The confusion came from what probably seemed like a bipolar set of responses from Mom regarding the Sex Talk.  Here… you read it:

Hey Terra,

Me and my bf have been together for over 10 months. My mom knows him well and loves him. A couple months ago me and him started having sex and I was like OK, I want birth control. So I told my mom I was “thinking about having sex” and that I didnt do it yet but wanted birth control just in case. And she was like “OK. I understand. That’s responsible.” And she got it for me.

A couple of days ago I told her that me and my bf did it for the first time. She seemed to take it alright. She said she knew it was coming and was glad I told her. Then later that day, out of nowhere she started being really weird towards me. Now she barely talks to me, hardly talks to my bf, wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time even if I’m just with a girlfriend (and she was never like that ever). She’s being mean towards me now. I can’t take it anymore. I’m so uncomfortable around her. I hate being home. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

–Confused

This is so sad for Mom and daughter. And so unnecessary. Just in case you’re wondering, no, I’m not texting the Bad Mother Police to come cart this woman away just because she isn’t jumping for joy. But her hostility has overshadowed her previous reasonable response. Of course that was then (My daughter having sex some day = abstract idea which I can handle.) vs. now (My daughter’s having sex?!??!! For real?! OMG! What can I do? I feel freakin’ powerless!!)

If I could I’d have picked up the phone and talked to Mom. I’d have told her I understand that finding out your little girl is sexually active takes some getting used to. I would have said that her knee-jerk stress-response isn’t uncommon. But I’d also add that she needs to stop and think about what she’s doing because the silent-treatment and “meanness” is driving her daughter away. This woman doesn’t want that!

But Mom didn’t ask me for help, the teen did. So here’s what I told her:

Hi Confused,

You did the right thing telling your mom about your relationship and about needing birth control.  Your mom did the right thing by helping you protect yourself.  I think she is having a hard time dealing with the REALITY of the situation.  You’re her daughter and up until now she’s thought of you in a certain way (that would include being a virgin).  And even though she said she “knew it was coming” that can be different from actually having a new reality in your face.

Here’s what I suggest… Talk to her.  Tell her that you told me. Tell her how you’re feeling about her barely talking to you and “being mean” to you.  Tell her that you miss the trust and closeness the two of you have always had and you want to talk about that.

Then close your mouth and LISTEN to what she has to say.

Your mom loves you and she wants you to be safe and happy.  She doesn’t want to lose this special relationship. She’s just not sure how she feels about this next phase of your life. She’s confused. If you’ve ever felt confused, then you probably understand.

She loves you.  You love her.  Talk.

In friendship,

Terra

Of course giving advice is a lot easier when it’s someone else’s kid. And you’ve got to expect this kind of conversation will be awkward on both sides, at least initially. But getting real with the people you love most in the world is sometimes the only way to nurture and strenghthen your connection. That’s gotta be worth whatever mumbling, stumbling embarrassment comes with it.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: , , , , , — Annie @ 6:07 pm
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