16 and taking on the world

Remember your “job description” posted at the bottom of your child’s birth certificate? No? Understandable. At the time they handed over the document you were still drunk on the radiant beauty of your newborn – experiencing something cosmic and way beyond the reach of words. If you had any cogent thoughts during those first few weeks, perhaps what filtered through was a sublime awareness that you were now officially part of the Chain of Life and thus inalterably altered. Simultaneously softened and strengthened. And now forever unable to watch (without weeping) any film or news report where children were hurt, sick or scared.

You were a new parent, so who could blame you if you didn’t read the fine print?

Not to worry. I’ve got a magnifying glass and my daughter’s birth certificate right here. They’ve all got the same clause at the bottom so I’ll just tell you what it says:

“Congratulations on the birth of your child. It’s your job to transform this sweet little pumpkin into a fully functioning adult. You’ve got just 18 years. And your time starts…. NOW.”

Each milestone in our kids’ lives is a reminder that they’re progressing toward not needing us at all. (Anyone wince at that? If you did please re-read the previous paragraph.) That’s what you signed up for:  to help them move toward independence. Which is why you should rejoice along with them when they climb out of their crib, learn to open the refrigerator, and choose their own books, bedtime, music, clothes, hairstyles, food, interests, friends, ideas, plans, beliefs.

Graduation season is around the corner. Whether your child is advancing into kindergarten, middle school, high school or college, they’re on to a new chapter. If you’d rather hang on to the old one, sorry, but that’s not an option. You do have a choice though. You can deny that they’re outgrowing their need for round the clock parenting (not a path I’d recommend as it will only lead to major push-back starting from 5^th or 6^th grade) OR you can prepare now for your emptier nest. Here’s how:

1. Create some new goals for yourself — If you chose well, working on a personal goal will sustain you as your child races toward independence.
2. Make some new friends — The majority of your friends may be the parents of your kids’ friends. Nothing wrong with that, except that it often leads exclusively to kid-centered conversations. Following your own interests (see #1) connects you with new friends who share those interests.
3. Revitalize your relationship — If you’re fortunate enough to be part of a loving couple, plan together for your emptier nest. Support each other’s feelings about the changes. Schedule fun time together as a couple. Hopefully you’ll rediscover what’s at the core of your relationship and create a healthy new chapter for the two of you.
4. Re-focus on your social life — If you’re single and you’re interested in dating, but haven’t as yet because of parenting obligations, now may be the time to start letting friends know that you’re “looking” again.
5. Avoid over-parenting your younger children — Of course you need to continue parenting, but redirecting all of your energy toward your younger kid(s) spells trouble and is very likely to cause resentment and conflict. Don’t go there!

Life within a family is constantly changing. We just don’t always notice it until things like graduation remind us “Oh, yeah. They’re growing up!” Hopefully we’re all learning to deal with our emotions when we find ourselves in a new chapter. Give your kids a vote of confidence by showing them that not only do you know how to let go, but you’re happy to do it. (‘Cause you trust them and because you’re going places too!)

Catch you later. David and I are going to the movies.