Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

I miss my mom

February 3, 2014

Change happens when you let possibility in

Change happens when you let possibility in

I could see her crying at her keyboard as she tried to shut out the laughter of Dad and Stepmom outside her closed bedroom door. She hates them for being happy. She hates herself for hating them. She’s so angry and resentful. So frustrated and confused. But mostly she’s a sad little girl missing her mom, dead four years. Through tear-blurred eyes she searches cyberspace, desperate for connection, hoping for help yet convinced it’s hopeless because the only way to ever make things right again is to bring back Mom.

How do you counsel a child who can’t have the only thing she says will make her whole again? Here’s what I told her:

What do you do when you want something that you can not have? You have options, you know. Do you…

a) Keep longing for the impossible?
b) Feel sorry for yourself and build a wall to keep out everyone who tries to help you?
c) Make your peace with the new reality while still holding your mom’s memory in your heart?
d) Open your mind and heart to the next chapter of your life and allow yourself to move forward?
She was too stuck in b to listen. What do you say to a child who won’t allow herself to be happy for her father or friendly to her stepmom because it feels disloyal to Mom? I told her:
When one partner in a loving marriage dies, it can, after a while, be a wonderful tribute to that marriage for the surviving partner to marry again. But if one partner in an unhealthy marriage dies, it is less likely for the other to remarry.
You seem to think it’s your job to stand up for your mother’s memory and to be unwelcoming to your stepmom even though you say she is nice to you. I wonder what your mom would say about it. What if she could whisper to you, “Sweetie, it’s a good thing that your dad has found a wonderful woman to share his life with again. I am truly happy for him. Please try to be happy for him. And please, open your heart to this good woman. She wants to be your friend. Let her in. That will make you happier and stronger as you grow up. And when you are happy, I am happy.”
So the girl she took in everything I said and slowly began to open her mind to the possibility that maybe she could enjoy a relationship with her stepmom, not as a substitute for Mom (of course not!) but as a caring, trusted woman who offers unconditional love and understanding, support and stability. But then her fear of loss brought a frightening thought and the girl wanted to know what might happen if she loved Stepmom and then they divorced or “something happens” and Stepmom wasn’t around any more.  “I can’t lose another mom. No way!” And I replied:
Every time we reach out to someone in friendship or love, we risk that “something might happen” and the relationship will be damaged or be lost. That’s the nature of life. We are human. Our feelings change and circumstances change. And even if feelings and circumstances remain constant, we don’t live forever. Not any of us. It’s a hard thing to accept, but we have to accept it because that’s the way it is… for everyone.

Your relationship with your mom ended in this life. Since her death you have created a new relationship with her.  She is always in your heart, loving you as much as you love her. That’s an everlasting gift and nothing will change that.  Another unopened gift is a dad and stepmom who are so ready and eager to love you. They’re waiting for you. When we hold ourselves back from getting close to others because we are afraid of what “might happen” someday, we shut ourselves off from the most important thing in life… love.

Is it time to open your door?

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Podcast for Parents: What’s up with stepmothers?

September 7, 2009

Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin

Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin

When you think about stepmothers, what comes to mind? For me it’s that heartless woman whose idea of a family outing was to take Hansel and Gretel into the woods and abandon them…twice. Then there’s the callous, opportunistic bitch who fleeced Cinderella’s dad for all he was worth then treated her stepdaughter like a slave in her own home. And let’s not forget that ultimate charmer, so narcissistic and jealous of Snow White she order a hit on the girl. “Cut out her heart and bring it to me in this box!”

Geez! With stepmoms like that it’s no wonder we grow up with such fear and loathing for women who marry men with children. But with 43% of first marriages ending in divorce and so many subsequent remarriages, the likelihood of a child having a real stepmother is relatively high.

So what’s really inside the hearts and minds of stepmoms? Are they as powerful and conniving as we’ve been led to believe? And if so, then why are they blamed for so much that goes wrong in their families? And why are they given so little credit for their sincere efforts to be a positive force in the lives of their husbands and stepchildren? Fair questions that deserve answers.

In this week’s podcast I talk with Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look At Why Stepmothers Think, Feel And Act The Way We Do. We get into the fact vs. the fantasy of real stepmoms from someone who has walked the walk and done her homework inside and outside of the family. Every woman who married a man with children or is considering it, needs to hear this one! Men who brought a stepmom into the lives of their kids, don’t want to miss it either.

Have a listen here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC008.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Resources suggested by Wednesday Martin:

Upcoming guests include:

Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace

Diane Peters Mayer, author of Overcoming School Anxiety

Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom

Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids

Susan M. Heim, author of It’s Twins! and Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More

Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

Hannah Friedman, author of Everything Sucks: Losing My Mind and Finding Myself in a High School Quest for Cool

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

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