Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Single mom + Son + Conversation about Girls=Awkward

January 27, 2012

Got this email today from a single mom who just discovered her teen son has been pressuring girls to “put out.” She felt unsure how to talk to him about it. Obviously she’s not the only single mom out there who can’t rely on a positive male role model to set a boy straight on what is and what is not OK when it comes to relationships. With her permission, I’m sharing her email and my response. Hopefully it will empower other moms to get proactive in educating their sons about empathy and respect.

Dear Annie,

I spied on my 13 year old son’s computer and found out he pressures girls for “second base.” If they don”t comply he dumps them.  His last girlfriend told people he dumped her because she would not put out.  I don’t know how to address this with him.  I am a single mom and am very upset that I have raised a boy that would do this to girls!  The worst thing is that some girls agree.  How should I talk to him about this?

Confused Single Mom

Dear Single Mom,

It’s a good thing you found out. Now that you know what’s been going on you can give your son a needed course correction.

Yes, it would be easier if Dad were in the picture, but since that doesn’t seem to be the case, the honors fall to you. You might say something like this, “You are old enough to have girlfriends, so I want to talk to you about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Don’t worry. This isn’t about about sex, so you can relax. This is about relationships, which, by the way, are a 2-WAY Street. If you want a good girlfriend, you have to be a good boyfriend. Tell me what you think it means to be a good boyfriend.”

Then close your mouth and LISTEN to what he has to say. I’m guessing he’s never thought about it. He may just shrug and say “I dunno.”

That’s when you say, “OK. I understand you may not know. After all, they don’t teach classes in this, though they should. But a guy needs to learn how to be a good boyfriend, so I’m going to tell you what I know from the girl’s point of view. No girl likes to be pressured into doing things she’s not ready for.  Guys who pressure girls to “do stuff” are being disrespectful. Good guys don’t do that. And good guys make good boyfriends. The kind of girls who make good girlfriends (the only kind worth falling for), are girls with self-respect. They will stand up for themselves. They will say “No, I’m not going to do that. And I don’t like it when you pressure me. So just stop.”

ASK: What do you think about a girl’s right to say ‘Stop pressuring me.”?

LISTEN for his answer.

Ultimately it’s your responsibility to teach your son how to treat people with respect. That includes friends, teachers, kids he may not particularly like, and girlfriends. He needs you to step up and teach him about respect and empathy (taking the other person’s point of view.)

Tell him you have some information that he’s been pressuring girls to do things they don’t want to do. Tell him, this is WRONG because it is DISRESPECTFUL. Say: “Maybe you didn’t know this before. But now that we’ve had this conversation, you know it’s wrong. From now on, I expect you to always treat the people you are with with respect. If I find out that isn’t the case, there will be a consequence. Do we understand each other?”

How’s that?

In friendship,
Annie

Hi Annie,
That is such a great reply. I really appreciate your response. There is so much teen dating advice on web for girls. It would be helpful if moms of boys took some proactive steps towards this problem too. I couldn’t find much. I am going to speak with him this weekend. Will let you know how it goes. God bless you.

(More confident) Single Mom

Happy to help. ;O)

________________
An easy way to ease into one of these discussions is through my Teen Relationships Bill of Rights. Check it out and share it with your son and daughter.

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Guest Blogger: Fathers shape daughters

February 10, 2010

Her first sweetheart is Dad

Her first sweetheart is Dad

By Richard “RJ” Jaramillo

RJ Jaramillo is Founder and President of SingleDad.com He is also a single father of three children. With over nine years of experience helping other Single Parents with advice, support, and resources, RJ is excited to share his company and personal mission on teaching others how to “Make Life Happen…Again!”


I was recently interviewed on a single parent radio show about my dating habits and how I choose the women I date. I was asked to make a “top 3 list” on things I look for in a woman.  While doing this, I became aware of a more powerful parenting topic: father and daughter relationships and how fathers shape their daughters’ future relationships with men. Here is my “Top 3 List on Single Parent Dating” and my personal opinions on the importance of having a good relationship with your daughter that will help shape her future relationships.

What I look for #1: What’s Her Relationship with Her Parents?

I always want to know the relationship that a woman has with her parents, especially with her father. I know this may sound strange, but when I ask this question I want to know their past and present relationship. Do they see or talk to each other often? Is there an absence? What is the frequency of contact?  Some of this information can really open up a can of worms and I have been caught off guard when I hear a painful story unfold. Now, in all fairness, I try to remain impartial and understand both sides. But in cases of stories where the father and daughter no longer have a relationship, what has surprised me the most is the lack of forgiveness from the fathers. They felt there was more value in punishing the other person with silence and absence, then forgiving someone of their mistakes, misunderstandings or miscommunication. I have dated women with poor relationships with their parents and I feel that these women, who have little or no understanding of offering or accepting an apology or practicing forgiveness, just shut down and move on when relationship issues arise.

Father and Daughter Tip #1: It’s never too late to apologize.

Make the time, be present and teach your daughter the power of an apology and the emotion behind forgiveness. I know I am not perfect. I have allowed too much time between poor behavior and apologies at times. I feel that most fathers don’t understand the importance of catching their faults early. What I see far too often in men is that they will just “play nice” the next day and allow their nice demeanor portray the apology. This is not the same as an apology. This pretend game is called the silent treatment and it is not good. You are allowing the hurt emotions of the relationship to become trapped and unresolved.  This is not teaching our daughters how to resolve conflict and they will take this behavior with them into their future relationships. My solution to this problem is simple. I promise myself not to let too much time go past, be present with my daughter, and address my actions and why I am asking for her forgiveness. This is a good way to teach our child humility, humanity and most importantly emotional connection. If we want a connection, there is no better way than to be human and create that emotion through an apology. Read more…

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