Delicious food or cruelty on a plate?

The prologue of the January 17th episode of This American Life (Stuck in the Middle) grabbed me in such profound ways that I haven’t stopped thinking about Elias, the 7 year old’s whose love for animals and  compassion for their suffering led him to the logical conclusion that eating meat is wrong. His parents, who reportedly “never ate much meat to begin with” supported their son’s values by becoming a vegetarian household. All good. And healthy too. The challenge for this family and for Mom in particular, was the ongoing battle between her Animal Lover son (who cried with real anguish when he thought about people eating meat, especially lamb) and her younger Meat Lover son (who lived for pizza day at school when he was free to pile on the pepperoni.)  Without getting into  details, Mom walked a fine line in which she tried to a) make peace between her two sons,  b) help her younger son appreciate his older brother’s feelings about the importance of not eating meat and c) help her older son to recognize that it’s not his “job” to dictate to his brother what he can and can not eat.

I’ve been recalling families I’ve know over the years whose kids seemed to usurp control over parents and/or siblings. One boy made such a fuss whenever he lost a board game, card game or video game, his Dad made sure the kid always won. Yes, Dad was educated and at least peripherally aware that he was helping to raise an entitled kid who would unrealistically expect to always win at everything, but hey, the kid was volatile, so Dad did whatever he could to avoid the storms. Same with the Mom of the girl who so loved candy, chips and soda that she’d blow up at the supermarket if Mom refused to buy them. You’d better believe that Mom quickly reconsidered her initial response.

I’m guessing you also know kids and parents who lean in this direction.

I’m not saying the kid from This American Life was consciously being manipulative. I don’t believe he was. If you listen to his voice you won’t doubt that he has a hero’s heart filled with kindness and the desire to protect the most vulnerable creatures. And yet, there is something to be said about empowering your child to believe that they have the power to control other people’s behavior. They believe it most often when we show them they can control us.

How do you personally walk the line between empowering your child and allow that child to impose his or her will on the family?