What we all want for our kids, real friends

I joined a bunch of my Twitter buddies online last Thursday night for #ParentForum 2. Simple concept: At a predetermined hour a panel of parenting experts fields questions from a “live” audience. Our topic for the evening: Raising Healthy Teens. On the panel were:

Wendy Young — child and family therapist and founder of Kidlutions™

Marjie Knudsen — author and child advocate

Linda P. Gordon — author and psychotherapist

Dr. John Duffy — clinical psychologist

Dr. Dina Rose — sociologist specializing in healthy eating habits

Nancy Prisby — Parent Coach

Amy Jussel — former journalist/advertising/branding gal turned media analyst founder of Shaping Youth

Suzanna Narducci—founder of tweenparent.com

Here’s what was asked, answered, suggested and bandied about by a group of folks who know a whole lot about what it takes to raising healthy kids:

Annie_Fox Welcome 2 ParentForum. Experts answer UR parenting questions in real time. (No phony stuff!) Panelists…(drumroll w/ intros)

Annie_Fox I’m a writer, educator & online adviser 4 tweens, teens & parents. http://anniefox.com

MarjieKnudsen Parent for < 23 years (4 kids) – oldest in law school. Author and Child advocate. Motto: Never Give Up! Every time 1 more try!

kidlutions Wendy Young, MOM,LMSW, BCD is a mom of 3, child and family therapist in private practice and founder of Kidlutions™

drjohnduffy I’m a clinical psychologist who has enjoyed the privilege of working with t(w)eens and their families for more than 12 years!

Lpgordon I’m a psychotherapist and an Author of books on family connection and communication

drdrrose I’m a sociologist who specializes in eating habits. I help parents teach their kids to eat right.

CoachNancyP MSW, Parent Coach, Parent of 3, Speak & write on various parenting topics.

ShapingYouth I’m Amy Jussel, former journalist/advertising/branding gal turned media analyst; dealing w/media/marketing’s impact on kids.

Annie_Fox Welcome all… The first question from @MommyBlogExpert

Parent Question: “I’ve triplets (GGB), 12 & big bro 13 Advice on dealing w/ sibling rivalry related to fact they’re same/close in age?”

Annie_Fox Shall we tackle that question panelists… jump in please!

kidlutions Wow! They certainly are close in age…and lots of ’em! How much 1:1 time does each child get? That can be a help…

kidlutions As for other thoughts on sibling rivalry…look this over when U can http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm

kidlutions That last link comes from U of M (Michigan)

drjohnduffy Tough as it may be, protect some private time for each. Life will be easier if they feel cherished individually, I promise!

drjohnduffy May also want a family behavioral contract to control the chaos

MarjieKnudsen Making eye contact and smiling to EACH one alone- Simple way to connect

Lpgordon Make sure you allow the twins or triplets to have their own identity- refrain from dressing them alike unless they want it

Annie_Fox Make sure they know that they know each one has a special relationship with you. That takes time and lots of patience & support

drjohnduffy And foster the strengths of each!

Annie_Fox @drjohnduffy Great point, John!

kidlutions Also, the kids are old enough to communicate how THEY think it can be handled. I would even have a family mtg w/them

CoachNancyP Help them to calm down from heated emotions & problem solve.

kidlutions Sometimes, kids come up with the BEST solutions to the problems at hand…if WE ask THEM! Try it, try it, you will see!

Annie_Fox @kidlutions I like that idea… ask them how to lessen the conflicts and see what they come up with! Brilliant!

drjohnduffy Family mtg is a great idea, fosters a sense of competence, and they may surprise w/ideas they come up with

Annie_Fox Here’s a family mtg. plan http://bit.ly/1hoF1M

ShapingYouth My godkids are close in age like this; OUTside peeps OTHER than immediate family can help carve a niche/identity/specialness 2!

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Yes, different dynamics abound…give us more specifics, if u can! 🙂

Lpgordon Twin boys I know used to fight about what they wore in school. They are identical and each one cared how the other looked

drjohnduffy Similarities in ages may allow for rotation of chores, household tasks, to manage inevitable “not fair!”

kidlutions @Lpgordon See…yep, the issues can be so varied

Annie_Fox @MommyBlogExpert How feasible is it 4 you to schedule 1 on 1 time with each child at least once a week?

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Is there one main area in which they seem to keep getting hung up, or is it everything?

MarjieKnudsen At family mtg. try asking them each to say 2 positive things about each other… interesting results.

ShapingYouth Good thread here re: diff. sib dynamics twin/triplets: http://j.mp/1SKart

Annie_Fox No easy answers here. Hopefully the kids will mature and learn to appreciate their sibs.

Annie_Fox @MommyBlogExpert Their bickering behavior may be “normal” and also not acceptable.

drjohnduffy W/some issues like bedtime, I feel mom and dad have the say. Kids can dislike, but must follow the rule!

Lpgordon Advice differs for each age range of child and also the tolerance level of the parent with this complaint

drdrrose I’m not psychologist, but from sociological pnt of view ppl come together when outside challenge. Create need to work together.

drjohnduffy Great idea, Dr Rose! A family service project, perhaps?

MarjieKnudsen @drdrrose Excellent observation! Kids are buddies when they have difficult problem that needs to be solved.

MarjieKnudsen @DrDrRose Also works when there is someone that needs help… they will bond together.

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Doesn’t work all the time! Can’t charge for referee services if there is a safety issue, of course.

kidlutions @drdrrose YES< YES YES!!! Touche!

Annie_Fox Or she could introduce an ant infestation!

kidlutions @Annie_Fox LOL on the ants!

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Sometimes when we disengage…make it a BIGGER problem for them than it is for us, that helps!

Lpgordon @anniefox Mtgs are effective because you get to talk without the emotions getting in the way.

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert Ask them, “What do YOU think we should do about this?”

kidlutions @MommyBlogExpert ….and it was AMAZING how many issues they learned to iron out on their own!

SuzannaNarducci When they hurt each others feelings have them stop and look at the reaction of their sibling 2 help them appreciate effect

drjohnduffy @kidlutions Sometimes good to let the “law of the jungle” take over.

Annie_Fox Moving on…The next question from the “If this kid doesn’t start acting like a human being soon, I swear I’ll… files

Parent Question: “My 12 year old son who used to be such a sweetheart, has turned into a real… handful. Bad attitude, etc.”

MarjieKnudsen Stay Positive no matter what! Parental Criticism of #Teens Makes Matters Worse- http://bit.ly/1kD5sc

kidlutions Could be a lot of things converging to make this “change of heart/attitude” take place.

drjohnduffy You might try to set aside frustration in favor of curiosity. What’s this time like for him?

MarjieKnudsen @drjohnduffy Excellent advice. Book Curious? by Todd Kashdan is excellent for teaching parents the imp. of fostering curiosity.

Annie_Fox Mom says:”We just moved and he complains about everything… the neighborhood, the school, the teachers, and of course, me!”

Annie_Fox Sounds like the 12 yr old is dealing w/ so many changes! Poor kid!

drjohnduffy What a tough time in life for a move!

kidlutions Oh, the big move…that is HUGE! This coming from someone who went to 9 schools by 9th grade…

MarjieKnudsen @kidlutions I hear U, 11 for me by the time I grad. from H.S.

kidlutions Whatever U do, do NOT personalize it. Be calm, state your expectations. ASK, “what is happening at school, w/ friends, etc.”

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Excellent advice. And that’s hard for parents, isn’t it? Not to take personal attacks from their kids “personally”?

MarjieKnudsen Have teen picture himself as being okay… visualize what it would look like if everything was going great w/ new school, etc.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen I like that! Visualize the way you’d like it to be… and then, let’s work together on an action plan.

kidlutions Ask him, “What can I do to HELP YOU?” “How can help this adjustment go smoother?”

Lpgordon Talk to your son while doing things with him. Avoid the face to face- tell me how you are feelin

kidlutions Talk to him about how these changes have affected you, too. Let him know that YOU know it is hard.

drjohnduffy @kidlutions Great advice. Just being there, available, might be all he needs.

CoachNancyP Empathy so important. Remember when you were 12-13? It’s an awkward age!

drjohnduffy All that said, I think we cannot forget that there are boundaries we need to set for inappropriate behavior

Lpgordon @drjohnduffy I agree boundaries are really important

kidlutions Boundaries are EVEN more necessary when things feel topsy-turvy…it is the one thing he CAN count on!

kidlutions If he won’t “talk” abt his feelings, try, You might feel like the odd guy out..It might B strange 2 make new freinds at UR age

kidlutions Give that boy a HUG! Yes, Dr John is right…boundaries are absolutely necessary!

MarjieKnudsen Surprise them by being exceptionally caring and loving… if parent relationship stays strong… will give child strength.

CoachNancyP Yep, feelings R not right or wrong, can work to understand feelings while still enforcing limits.

kidlutions @CoachNancyP True, that, Nancy!

Annie_Fox @drjohnduffy I agree, john. And we need to check our own behavior & make sure we’re not modeling rudeness out of frustration

drjohnduffy In my exp, he might benefitting some sport, group, club, a sense of home in a new atmosphere

kidlutions @drjohnduffy YES! Get him involved in SOMETHING! Maybe let him invite some new friends over?

ShapingYouth Link lady here: http://j.mp/pQJ9e gr8 help on tweens acting out from changes/hostility to new environs (I moved every 2yrs!)

kidlutions @ShapingYouth I LOVE YOUR LINKS!

drjohnduffy Get him involved, and the disposition may lighten up in a hurry!

Annie_Fox @kidlutions I’d also ask the boy how much “help” he wants on the social front. Parents taking over sends a msg of no confidence

kidlutions Again…HUG him, even if he pulls away…he’ll get used to it. Now is just as impt of a time to hug him as when he was small!

CoachNancyP Moving rocks everybody’s world. Any type of change brings on emotions.

kidlutions @drdrrose It had a huge impact on shaping my career choice! More on that for us later!

drjohnduffy @kidlutions So tough, but so effective – turn toward him when you most want to turn away!

MarjieKnudsen Annie’s free e-book helps kids w/feelings of insecurity when new kid: “I don’t think I’m good enough.” http://bit.ly/70QAA

Lpgordon Normalize this as a transition so he can get comfort from how he got thru this when he has another transition in the future

CoachNancyP On moving- Sense of self-lovable no matter what. Focus on his strengths, B there to help. Fosters resilience.

SoulfulParent @CoachNancyP Change is always challenging!

Lpgordon How about THEY DON’T STAY TEENS FOREVER!

Annie_Fox And we don’t stay parents of teens forever, thank goodness!

Annie_Fox Moving on… OK? Here’s another question from the “Please remind me that they don’t stay teens 4ever” files…

Parent Question “My 16 yr old daughter has been lying to me and her stepdad. And we think it’s partly due to friends we’ve not crazy about.”

drjohnduffy Tough question #1: Are you truly open to hearing her truth? She’ll be more likely to tell it if you are.

kidlutions Is this lying a NEW behavior?

Lpgordon My question for the parents is what is the attraction to these friends?

Annie_Fox @Lpgordon Interesting question, Linda! What is the attraction to these friends? Wonder what the daughter would answer 2 that?

MarjieKnudsen Stress to teen – U become UR friends – choose carefully.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen I agree. But sometimes parents misjudge other kids, by their clothes, etc. When they’re really good kids.

Lpgordon @annifox I totally agree – parents project there own fears and values and ideas onto the friends

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox So true. Be prepared to be wrong – these may be great kids!

MarjieKnudsen Exactly… teach kids to view behavior/actions as utmost importance… how others make them feel inside.

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Mom inferred the lying had to do with where the daughter was. She got caught in a lie. Also missing money. :O(

kidlutions Have you let these kids spend time at YOUR house, get to know them? So often kids complain their parents judge and don’t know!

SuzannaNarducci Kids will keep secrets, it’s part of becoming independent. But as parents we want R kids 2 know we are there when they need us

kidlutions Can u find something to like about these friends or learn to like about them?

drdrrose You have 2 embrace the friends or risk alienating ur kid. At same time u have 2 stress what behavior is acceptable. Lying isn’t.

Annie_Fox @drdrrose I agree, Dina! Find something to like about the friends. Open mind and open heart are great to model.

kidlutions @drdrrose Yep…hold her to your standards, but understand her WORLD…what do these friends do to enhance her life?

drjohnduffy Despite the lie, I still recommend open discussion. I trust parental instinct, and this daughter may NEED to talk to her p’s.

kidlutions Consider counseling if U cannot communicate effectively…and/or if the lying is habitual..this could signal underlying issues

drjohnduffy True, guys – kids don’t just enter friendships to challenge their parents’ patience. They usually LIKE their friends!

MarjieKnudsen @drdrrose Yes! And by accepting them, U help another teen… (but not at the expense of yours.)

SuzannaNarducci @drjohnduffy or they feel their choices are limited.

kidlutions If counseling is decided upon, search until you find someone you and dtr are comfortable with…get references

Annie_Fox And their friends are sooooooo important to them! Don’t make them choose between you and their friends.

Annie_Fox Counseling is a great option. That way the daughter may see that these friends aren’t the kind she deserves.

kidlutions @Annie_Fox Agreed, Annie…never make a kid choose. Find a way to make it work, if possible.

CoachNancyP Good advice, twitter colleagues 🙂

drjohnduffy In fact, be-friend the friends!

ShapingYouth @drjohnduffy nails it w/the truth/judgment issue; pos. feedback DOES help diffuse. I love www.PreteenAlliance.org for this…

MarjieKnudsen @SuzannaNarducci yes, sometimes they don’t fit in where they want, they need help to increase their social skills, self-esteem,

Annie_Fox I’m outta questions in the queue… any of you got one to throw on the table?

kidlutions RT @drjohnduffy: In fact, be-friend the friends!>>LOVE IT! Eliminate the struggle altogether. Let the friends know ur involved!

SoulfulParent Or at least get to know the friends better!

Lpgordon sometimes teen girls aren’t comfortable speaking their minds in a group

ShapingYouth “Befriend the friends” is a gr8 diffusing tactic. Esp. when there’s perceived judgment you’ll scoff/dislike re: their choices

Annie_Fox @SoulfulParent It’s all about a)what’s motivating the mouthiness and b) how to moderate your response

kidlutions Whoa! Backtalk is a big one!

MarjieKnudsen Here’s a subject — Teens and Media — it’s not as awful as everyone thinks. Should parents worry about impact? Yes on Safety!

Annie_Fox Hang on, Marjie… back talk is first.. then media talk! LOL

CoachNancyP Going to throw in a book rec. @RachelJSimmons “Curse of the Good Girl” Gr8 read 4 this situation.

SoulfulParent A mom asked me today the difference between backtalking and expressing feelings?

Annie_Fox Re:Backtalk… I was a champ at it when I was a teen. My poor mom!

kidlutions On backtalk: Don’t let ’em push your buttons. When they find the buttons, you can be sure they’ll keep pushing them…

drjohnduffy Back talk: an opportunity for a possibly ineffective lecture, or HIGHLY effective levity if handled properly!

ShapingYouth ooooh. @SoulfulParent; gonna hush on this one & learn! “Sass mouth” is a media constant of disrespectful behavioral cues!

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Love it, Amy!

Annie_Fox Looking back, I was really angry at so much that had nothing to do with my mom. She was an easy target. (Sorry, Mom!)

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox Truthfully, I probably should have back-talked MORE as a teen!

MarjieKnudsen @Annie_Fox didn’t back talk either as a teen, mayb should have. I just don’t respond when happens, so mine don’t do much of it.

Annie_Fox @MarjieKnudsen Our kids didn’t sass us either. But I was a loud mouth as a teen. Couldn’t resist! Happily I outgrew it!

MarjieKnudsen maybe teen doesn’t like the way U communicate -10 Things Your #Teen Would Like to Hear You Say to Them – http://bit.ly/4aNhwM

Annie_Fox Now I realize… when a teen pushes a parent’s buttons, with backtalk, the parent MUST NOT engage!

ShapingYouth My best tactic on backtalk is to look straight in the eye and say ‘ouch’ or ‘wow, was that really fair?’ Turn the tables…

rewritingkel RT: @americannanny: Is the back talk an expression of feedback a parent should hear? <–think it depends on the back talk you get

SoulfulParent @rewritingkel Great point!

drjohnduffy @rewritingkel True, there may be a msg for the parents woven within the backtalk!

Annie_Fox @rewritingkel What’s behind the backtalk? A need to be heard in the family? A need for some trust in making their own choices?

SuzannaNarducci @Annie_Fox Agreed Again it’s about giving UR child security by modeling and letting them know U R in control of situation.

kidlutions Validating the “feeling” behind the words…”You sound really angry”

kidlutions “Your anger is so big you’re bringing out your fighting words.”

SoulfulParent @kidlutions Love that Wendy!!! “bringing out your fighting words”..

kidlutions “Right now your anger sounds bigger than you are”

kidlutions Calm, cool, collected is the name of the game…never let ’em see you sweat…

Annie_Fox @kidlutions Exactly! Let em know U don’t like it, but show some compassion for the angst that’s behind it. It sucks 2 B a teen!

Annie_Fox A simple, calm, confident: “Don’t talk to me that way.” then remove yourself if the teen continues. they lose access.

SoulfulParent @kidlutions That’s what I told her.. hard when parent is tired.. but that was best idea I could offer.. keep cool!

kidlutions At our house, hubby and I say, “Don’t look into their eyes…don’t engage”…on the backtalk

SoulfulParent @Annie_Fox I think for this kid and this mom and a need to define boundaries and find own space independent of mom

CoachNancyP Important to take care of selves as parents & practice our own anger management so we can help them manage theirs.

MarjieKnudsen @CoachNancyP Excellent… Important… Point!

Annie_Fox @CoachNancyP Absolutely, Nancy!

kidlutions “I’ll be happy to talk to you when you are respectful”…..tells what YOU are willing to do, not what you want THEM to do…

kidlutions @SoulfulParent try it…i’ve used it! has worked here!

MarjieKnudsen @kidlutions good answer to give them Wendy!

americannanny @rewritingkel Back talk could be categorized. If it is offensive and ugly a parent needs to set a limit. No black & white here.

Lpgordon Labeling the talking back is important- again you need to demonstrate your boundary of acceptable behaviour

drjohnduffy @CoachNancyP Yes! So much of this turns out to be learned, modeled behavior. We lose power if WE backtalk too!

kidlutions RIGHT…don’t backtalk back! LOL, Dr. John!

SoulfulParent @drjohnduffy Absolutely Dr John… do as say AND as I do, right?

drjohnduffy @SoulfulParent Right on!

drjohnduffy Makes me wonder if backtalk is ever a GOOD thing? Maybe if a child needs to be more assertive?

Annie_Fox My Breathing challenge 4 teens. Helps them calm down so there’s less urge to mouth off http://anniefox.com/teens/breathing.html

ShapingYouth How would you ‘disengage’ from a big child that blocks a doorway; creates a physical barrier to be ‘heard’ (e.g.in your face)?

CoachNancyP Have been in & out: Has the comparison to of toddlers to teens been brought up?

americannanny If your kid is doing a lot of back talk it might be in response to too much parental questioning or micro-managing..

kidlutions @americannanny YES…if it is really nasty and off-color…we need to stay calm and provideconsequences when we have cooled off

Annie_Fox @americannanny Yes! Out of frustration, the kid loses it! Gimme some breathing space, Mom!

CoachNancyP @SoulfulParent @drjohnduffy So agree on modeling & we don’t have to be perfect, just set intentions & try.

Annie_Fox Backtalk can simply mean, “Back off!” And kids have a right to set boundaries.

drjohnduffy @ShapingYouth Where safety is an issue, you may very well need professional help right away – no second chances here..

Annie_Fox We humans aren’t looking for perfection… just progress as parents and as teens.

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox Absolutely. We’ll take any shifts in the right direction.

CoachNancyP Toddlers & teens backtalk as they test their limits, moving towards independence- also times most need emotional support.

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Amy, if a child physically overpowers a parent,it is a very scary thing for the CHILD. more help may be needed.

americannanny Open communication channels built on trust and love.

ShapingYouth I’ve seen this w/teachers in middle school where they say kids literally ‘square off’ or ‘block the way’ (4 attention)

Lpgordon Honesty is so important- Kids learn that their parents often did the best they could with the skill set they had

MarjieKnudsen Good -but hard to teach teens… let it go. Think, “It is what it is.” -have them memorize this statement.

kidlutions @ShapingYouth On the other hand,parent could read a magazine or tune out otherwise. Physical stuff should be addressed by prof.

Angel4tweet This was very helpful! Mom of a 13 and 10 yr old!

CoachNancyP …they need emotional supports & limits. “It’s OK to feel angry… not OK to (hit-toddler, backtalk-teen)

kidlutions @ShapingYouth Teacher nds 2 stay calm…”Will you be stepping aside to let me out, or will we have to deal with this more later

drjohnduffy A “backtalk” issue may also be better addressed at a time of calm, not crisis.

rewritingkel @Annie_Fox Backtalk is uncalled for If my child wants to be heard or have a choice in their own decisions they just need ask.

Annie_Fox Parents should show what “clean anger” looks like.

Annie_Fox No one is disrespected and no one gets hurt w/ clean anger.

CoachNancyP @Annie_Fox Yes, & view it as a gift we give our kids–teaching how to manage intense emotions.

kidlutions @Lpgordon This is sooooo true about skill sets. We’re all just doing our best! I believe that of all parents!

ShapingYouth Love “clean anger” Also: RT @Kidlutions “If a child physically overpowers a parent, it is a very scary thing for the CHILD.”

drjohnduffy @Annie_Fox I love that concept – clean anger!

Annie_Fox Blog on Clean Anger vs The Other Kind http://bit.ly/D1QOQ

kidlutions @CoachNancyP YES…tell them what is okay w/ the flg, and what is not ok, but ALSO what they can do…say, “I’m MAD at you”

SoulfulParent What great info & feedback here everybody. Thanks!! Gotta go.Will there b transcript available? Love 2 save great conversation

kidlutions What a freeing thing it was to realize as a teen that I did NOT have to say everything I THOUGHT!

kidlutions I also taught my kids…and kids in my office…that my life as a teen improved when I was able to “keep thoughts to myself”!

MarjieKnudsen How to Nurture Kids Sensitivity & Emotional IQ http://bit.ly/3RNBXN

SoulfulParent Thanks everyone!

drjohnduffy Very enjoyable and informative! Thanks all!

MarjieKnudsen Thanks Sandra!

ShapingYouth Exc. post, Annie! RT @Annie_Fox Blog on Clean Anger vs The Other Kind http://bit.ly/D1QOQ

Annie_Fox We need to wrap up now. This has been gr8. So informative. I’ll post a full transcript. Thnx everyone. See you next time at #ParentForum

Happy Parenting!

(Check out the transcript from our world premier event in September.)