Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

How to be happy for 40 years

August 25, 2014

Annie and David, August 25, 1974

Annie and David, August 25, 1974

August 25, 1974  – David and I got married on Long Island, under a tree. We wrote our own vows, put real flowers on top of the cake, and instructed the official to lose the “obey” and just go with “honor.” Sounds like a hippie wedding, but it was real. At least, I think so. Being the 70’s, reality was up for grabs.

Anyway, it’s 40 years today and if someone asked me “Why did you marry David, a guy that you’d only recently met on vacation?” I would say, because David saw wonderful things in me that I didn’t know were there. I saw what he saw in the video tape he made of our first days together and it blew me away. I figured “If he sees that in me, then I’ve gotta stay with this man so I can become those things.” So I did. And I did.

If someone asked David, “Why’d you marry Annie?” He’d say… Wait a minute. I don’t actually know what he’d say. Let me go ask. (Short commute to David’s office next door….. )

Here’s what he said: “I married you because you are those wonderful things…. and because it was so natural being with you. When people saw us in those first few days they were amazed we’d just met. They thought we’d been together for years. We had been together for years… in other lifetimes. You are my soulmate.”

How can you not love a guy who is so awesome that he still says stuff like that after forty years?

So you want to know the secret of being happy for the long-haul? Here you go:

• Be nice. You’re not going to feel like it all the time, but when things are just fine, think of ways to show that you really are your partner’s best friend.

• Do fun stuff. You don’t need to be inseparable, but you’ve gotta find a least one thing (outside of sex) that you both enjoy doing together and do it, often.

• Laugh. Together. A lot. Life is funny. Even when it’s frustrating and crazy. So you’ve gotta laugh. As my dad used to say, “What else ya’ gonna do?” Good point.

• Share the chores. At best, housework is boring, but it really sucks when it’s marinated in resentment. Share the recycling, vacuuming, laundry, shopping, etc. Your home will stay cleaner and you’ll have more time for the fun stuff.

• Eat.  Food is life. If you really get into it, you can extract endless joy from cooking and baking. And then there’s growing what you eat. But even if none of that is your thing, make the time to sit down for meals together. Savor the food. Savor the company. Enjoy.

• Show appreciation. Everyone likes having their efforts noticed. Whether it’s filling up the car, appearing at your desk with a snack, or massaging your feet…. “Thank you!” says “I love you and appreciate this kindness.”

• Talk it out. Stress, anger, resentment, worry gets in the way of feeling close. Some is directed at your partner, some isn’t. Whenever you feel your Monkey Mind careening into dark corners, put on the brakes, toss that chimp aside and talk to your partner. The goal isn’t to dump your load, the goal is to share it and lighten it.

• Listen to each other. Our emotions and life experiences make us all so fragile. In your partnership, make it safe to talk by being the kind of partner who knows how to listen with an open heart, an open mind, and open arms. This is truly the secret of a healthy marriage.

• Unplug. If it feels like you and/or your partner spend too much time looking at a screen, you probably do. Talk about that and how you can get back in balance so the relationship gets more of the attention it deserves.

• Have adventures. We love to hike and we don’t always know where we are or if we’re headed in the right direction.  Adventures require a willingness to wander and that’s sure to bring you to unheard of places. Some will be scary. Some, just freakin’ weird. But the juice of a great partnership is trusting that the two of you can figure anything out together.

Okay, it’s 9:28. Time for this anniversary party to get started. Enjoy your day. David and I wish you and your sweetie lots of love and laughter.

Here's looking at you

Here’s looking at you

 

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 10:01 am
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Those aren’t just mistakes… They’re evidence of intelligent life

April 4, 2010

What scratches? I don't see any scratches.

What scratches? I don't see any scratches.

In August my son Ezra and his lovely Sarah are marrying in a garden surrounded by vineyards. Their idyllic spot is about an hour north of our home. Which means when it comes to the wedding we’re off the housecleaning hook. Yeah, right. Four generations of our family will be traipsing in and out of Fox Manor all weekend so bring back the hook ’cause we are so on.

Since it’s pouring today (again) I decided it was time to take inventory of… The Mess.

You know how when you’re expecting company every flaw of your otherwise spotless home comes into sharp focus? Suddenly it’s like “Woah, how long has that gunk been on the door? When was the last time anyone looked in this corner? Have you seen the vacuum? We still have one, don’t we?”

I cleaned my glasses and headed to the stairwell, where well… the scratches and gouges on the wood panels made me wince. Seriously, I go up and down these stairs dozens of times a day and I swear I’ve never noticed how crapped up the walls are. No one could miss the crazy webbing of gashes and slashes. And yet, apparently, I had… for years.

House cleaning isn’t fun, but there is an element of problem-solving to it that I can get into at times. After rummaging through my arsenal I spotted a 32 oz (Value Size!) bottle of Orange GLO 2-in-1 Clean & Polish “Great for Wood Cabinets” Granted it didn’t say “Great for wood paneling!” but scratches are scratches, right? So I sprayed the wood panels and for an instant the scratches seemed to miraculously vanish! Kewl! I thought. So I sprayed and wiped some more. But then something not so cool occurred. The oily Orange GLO glommed onto and into the gouged out surfaces and instead of disappearing they started coming out… with attitude. It’s like every single mar, mark and blemish now shouted: Look at ME! Aren’t I distinctive!?”

I slumped, disgruntled, embarrassed staring at this wall of… mistakes when I began to recognize some old friends.  That scratch over there happened right before Ezra was born and me and David and little Fayette helped to carry Fay’s old crib up to the new baby’s room. And that one… when Fay was 14 and the four of us hit the wall several times as we carried her bed frame downstairs because she wanted to sleep on a mattress on the floor. And that happened when Ezra was 16 and scored a used couch for his room and we all helped to lug the behemoth up the stairs.

For 27 years dogs, cats, computers, desks, printers, books, lamps, loaded backpacks, kids, friends have gone up and down these stairs. Sometimes we lose our balance. Sometimes we misjudge the distance and hit the wall. Nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of. We just keep moving.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , , , , — Annie @ 4:52 pm
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