|
|
July 16, 2014
 Who gets to break my heart without my permission? Breaking up is hard to do. And painful. Hopefully, though, there were good times before the relationship tanked, so at least you’ve got some happy memories. On the other hand, if you’re obsessed with someone who was never nice to you, well, that’s just pain on pain. No one needs that.
Recently got an email from a girl in that dark place. Read on…
My heart aches for him and I really want to move, but I find myself checking his instagram, facebook, and all other social media just to see him. I cant let go, even though I want to so bad. I’m torn between wanting him to want me and wanting to forget about him completely. It’s been almost a year. I just hate this obsession. What do I do? –So Stuck
Dear So Stuck,
The truth may hurt, but I’ve got to say it anyway. This guy doesn’t care about you, That’s the way it is. You may wish things were different, but all the wishing in the Known Universe and beyond will not change fact.
Here’s something else that’s true: You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. This guy is not The One. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will find The One (Maybe during this coming school year! There’s an exciting thought!)
In the meantime, you’ve got to stop checking up on this guy. It’s a total waste of the summer and, more important, it’s bringing you down. You have gotten into an unhealthy habit here, but you can get back in control. Here’s how:
1. Make an agreement with yourself to stop stalking him.
2. Whenever you get the thought, “I’ll just check his instagram, FB, etc.” notice that thought.
3. Imagine the device you’re holding is burning hot. Get your hands off the darn thing right now this minute!
4. Close your eyes and BREATHE mindfully. Inhale slowly and evenly through your nose. Then relax your jaw and exhale, slowly and evenly through your mouth. Repeat 5 times….. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
5. Did you do it? If not, what are you waiting for? Do it now.
6. After breathing, the urge to “check on him” should be less intense. If not, breathe some more. If it is less, congrats! You got yourself back in control. Well done. You know how to do this. And you’ll probably get lots of practice. Whenever you feel the urge to check up on him, think “Fire!!! Will not get burned again. Hands up! Breathe…”
7. Go do something you enjoy. Something away from the phone or computer with people you like who like you back.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
July 14, 2014
 I just wish they’d stop screaming at each other! What can I say about parents divorcing that you don’t already know from personal experience or what you’ve observed? Probably nothing. For the couple involved, divorce is one of life’s major upheavals (second only to Death of a Spouse). The whole family feels the impact of divorce and its aftershocks, but adults and kids process it differently.
Young children are very egocentric. As long as their moment-to-moment needs continue to be met, they’re less aware of what’s going on in the family. They’re also not skilled at “covering up.” If they feel tension between Mom and Dad, they will let behave in ways that let everyone know “I’m not happy!” Parents will respond, as best as they can, by comforting the children and/or distracting them. It usually works pretty well.
Teens, on the other hand, are often more distressed by divorce than their younger siblings, and more likely to mask their emotions. Without letting on what’s going on, Mom and Dad might assume their teens are “OK” when they are far from it. Why do teens hide their feelings? Because they don’t:
a) know how to express the intensity of their emotions (ager, sadness, confusion, guilt, fear, etc.)
b) want to add to their parents’ problems
c) want to get yelled at
d) want to choose sides
e) want to show that they’re not “mature enough” to handle what’s going on
f) all of the above
On this week’s Family Confidential video podcast, I talk with Wendy Young, child and adolescent therapist and founder of Kidlutions. We discuss pragmatic parenting tips for helping kids of all ages navigate the emotional challenges of divorce. – Listen here
June 23, 2014
I’ve always been drawn to people who help people… especially if those they help are kids. Dr. O (aka @TheTeenDoc) is the medical doctor at the head of Teen Clinic in South San Francisco. For that alone she has my deep admiration and respect. In addition to prescribing treatment for the body she also administers to the heart and soul of her young patients. For this she has won a place in my heart’s Heroes Gallery.
I connected with Dr. O on Twitter. Two minutes into our conversation I knew I wanted her as a guest on my Family Confidential podcast.
Two weeks ago we talked for 20 minutes about her work. We shared personal experiences and insights about kids and mentors. We also laughed a lot. I’m grateful to have recorded this conversation and proud to share it here. Listen to Dr. O talk about how she uses empathy to connect with the kids in her clinic. You’ll be glad you did because her words and ways will inspire to do the same with the kids in your life.
May 27, 2014
 You started it! Empathy training begins at home. So does compassion training, truth-telling, good listening skills, and bullying prevention. And you thought helping with 7th grade math was going to be the hard part!
We want our kids to learn to be good people and most of us know that doesn’t happen solely by osmosis. So we teach them and we do such a good job that by the time they are five, they say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” on command. Underneath the programmed responses is the beginning of kids’ awareness of the right way right to treat other people vs. the wrong way. But because they are young humans they mess up. Often. They lash out and hurt the feelings and body parts of other children. And we hear about it. Yet no matter how many after-the-fact conversations that begin with “How would you feel if he did that to you?” they will continue to go out of their way to hurt other kids. So what’s up with that? Are your kids “bad”? No. Even though they do bad things, they aren’t bad kids. And don’t you dare think they are or, god forbid, tell them that!
Since they’re not bad, why do they keep doing this hurtful stuff? Simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration and poor-me-ism, to name a few peace-busters guaranteed to bring out the worst in our species.) Consequently, kids of all ages maim first first and ask forgiveness afterwards. Another reason they do stuff they know isn’t OK is because they’ve constructed a set of handy justifications that makes it OK.
Because most kids get their peer relationship training with their siblings, cousins, and close family friends, let’s imagine a typical sister-brother conflict in your home. Suppose your 7 year old daughter purposely wrecks the Lego castle your 5 year old son’s been building all afternoon. He’s crying and screaming and you yell at her, “Why did you do that?!” Turn down the volume for a sec and listen to her justifications:
1. I didn’t do anything.
2. I thought he wanted my help.
3. I thought he was finished.
4. It was already broken.
5. He always hogs the ____.
6. He always blames me for everything.
7. He’s annoying.
8. His stuff was in my way.
9. He was doing it wrong.
10. You always take his side.
What can you say to any of this? Your own destructive emotions have launched surface to air missiles from your eyeballs and your tone of voice is ugly and scary. But who can blame you? This is already the third … no fourth… fight between these two and it’s only Saturday afternoon of this loong “Happy Holiday Weekend.” So if you’re not in your “Calm Mommy” place hey, we get it. But if you were sane and centered enough to actually hear and acknowledge every one of your daughter’s justifications (which doesn’t mean you’ve got to agree with any of them) she could rattle them off and pile them neatly to one side and maybe, just maybe, she’d then feel safe enough to lift the lid on her anger, tentatively reveal the soft underbelly of her heart, and tell you the real reason she’s determined to destroy her brother’s happiness.
Sniff… whimper… “I think you love him more than me.”
What do you say now, Mom?
— Older Posts »
| |
Facebook
Twitter
