Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman
You’re among friends, so you might as well admit it. When the headlines, cable TV and the blogosphere scream about a bad mother, famous or not, we can’t get enough. And who’s most intent on sucking the marrow out of these kinds of stories? Mothers, of course! We just can’t resist women like Andrea Yates who in the throes of post partum depression, drowned her children in the bathtub. Or Susan Smith who drove hers into a lake allegedly because the man she was dating didn’t like kids. (I’ve wickedly included the links to illustrate how impossible it is not to feed our need to join the Bad Mother Police.)
What’s our fascination with the “bad mother”? Are we’re secretly gloating underneath our horror and disbelief? Do their reprehensible acts make us feel better about the kind of mothers we are?
Maybe the truth is that we’re so uncertain about our ability to measure up to the mythic “Good Mother” that we readily point to the worst mother model around just to give ourselves a little ego boost. “At least I’m not that bad.” And if we really are that insecure about our parenting, how did we get that way? And more to the point, how can we lighten up on ourselves and other women every time a kid has a meltdown in the supermarket?
In this week’s podcast I talk with Ayelet Waldman, author of Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, And Occasional Moments of Grace.
Back in March 2005 Ayelet wrote an essay for the NY Times in which she stated: “If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.”
Today we’re talking with Ayelet about that breakthrough essay, the immediate firestorm it triggered, and where American mothers seem to be today.
Have a listen here:
[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC009.m4a 300 300 false true]
If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.
Or, you can download an MP3 version here.
Upcoming guests include:
Rachel Simmons, author of The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence
Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wanna Bees and Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads
Diane Peters Mayer, author of Overcoming School Anxiety
Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom
Diane E. Levin, co-author (with Jean Kilbourne) of So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood And What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids
Susan M. Heim, author of It’s Twins! and Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More
Hannah Friedman, author of Everything Sucks: Losing My Mind and Finding Myself in a High School Quest for Cool
Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If…
*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).
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Aloha Annie,
Thank you so much! I am a single mother of three, so can’t say I love my husband more than my kids, but I can say that I love God and myself more than my kids. I don’t want my kids to feel like they need to make me happy, and I don’t want them to think that anyone else can make them happy. They need to do that for themselves.
I know I’m a bad mom, but I accept that I am the PERFECT mom for MY kids. They are getting what they need to be powerful people on this planet. I love my kids more than life itself! Can you imagine how much I love God and myself? Thank God Love is a renewable resource!
Though I must say, I have made choices that limit my children’s options. When we looked into schools, there really weren’t a lot of choices. In fact, there were very few acceptable options. It takes sacrifice on my part to get them where we know they need to go.
However, my girls love to dance hula. When it became more than I was willing to do, they had to conquer their fear and find a way to get themselves there. I’m willing to pick them up, but they get there on their own. Before we reached the point that I was no longer willing to sacrifice more, they were to afraid to make those plans. When it meant losing something they love, they FOUND the courage and strength to get out of their comfort zone.
I didn’t plan the circumstances, God did. It took strength for me to follow God’s lead because my kids are powerful negotiators! LOL But whenever I feel that tug from my intuition, I stand my ground.
The world needs powerful negotiators, and strong citizens. It’s our job to nurture them, without weakening them. Thanks for this mind expanding podcast!
Many blessings,
Carrie
Comment by Carrie Tucker — October 6, 2009 @ 11:07 am
Ayelet certainly is fearless! You touched on some of the most sensitive topics for moms and women in general. Whether I agreed or disagreed with Ayelet’s opinions, it was refreshing to have a woman speak HER mind and not what is supposed to be on her mind. Thank goodness for strong women and mothers like her.
Comment by Elizabeth — October 6, 2009 @ 11:55 am