When we're fakin' it for fun, it's a blast
For me Halloween is right up there with Millard Fillmore’s Birthday (January 7th). Just kidding. Halloween rocks. Our kids don’t even live here any more and David and I still trawl the neighborhood and check out the trick-or-treaters and home make-overs. We usually don’t ring doorbells, but we never miss the guy standing in his driveway handing out draft beer to anyone who tells him a joke. What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner. (No one said it had to be funny.)
Traditionally I dress as a mime. David always wears his multi-media producer disguise — subtle, but totally convincing.
In high school I was voted Class Actress so I get the fascination with pretending to be someone else. I’ve built a career exploring the M.O. of kids who feel compelled daily to play out little masquerades in school. They’re faking it. Or as I defined it in a recent online teen survey: Doing or saying something just to impress other people OR holding yourself back just so others won’t give you a hard time.
Here’s how kids answered this question:
“How do you know when you’re faking it?”
“I have a feeling of guilt and hatred for myself. I feel like I’m a wimp for not speaking the truth.”- “It’s hard for me to really shine thru and show people who I am because I am always worried about impressing them. I hate it when I act this way.”
- “I feel like a fraud in my own body. I feel betrayed by myself because I’m not showing everyone who I am and it hurts because I don’t know if they will like me for who I am.”
- “I get a nagging feeling tugging at the back of my brain, telling me ‘Don’t do this, you know this isn’t you.’”
- “Whenever I’m putting on ‘my mask,’ I feel sort of terrible and messy inside, like a lot of spaghetti, all tangled up. I feel almost sick to my stomach and a little anxious, but I still do it to impress others. But it never feels quite right. I do it because I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes.”
There are real-life Junos and Harry Potters. Cool, intelligent kids who are comfortable being themselves and don’t mind if others aren’t fans. But many tweens and teens are self-censoring Peer Approval Addicts. For them, on some level, everyday is Halloween except without the candy.
The farther we travel from our own middle school hell the harder it may be to understand why kids consciously choose not to be their own person. Here’s what they’ve been telling me for years: They do it because they’re scared not to. Scared of not fitting in, being excluded, mocked, ignored by their peers. Fear is an intense motivator and it compels many teens to conform, to hold themselves back, and to callously jettison any friends who aren’t cool enough in spite of how “fraudulent” and “messy” it makes them feel. They do it because in most schools, being different spells S-O-C-I-A-L D-E-A-T-H.
Their survey responses saddened me. I just want to help them not be afraid so that they can relax, grow up healthy, and have more fun. Fun’s a good thing but you don’t get there when you’re too scared to make a move without first checking out what everyone else is doing.
How can we help teens build the strength of character they need to resist peer approval addiction? Should we encourage them to do whatever they want 24/7? Reward them for never budging to accommodate the needs of others? Nah. Compromise and flexibility are keys to mental health. As adults we know we sometimes need to bite our tongues and resist hitting SEND. There are also times, in spite of any fear of reprisals, when we have to do what we know is right. That’s leadership.
Leadership skills and high Emotional Intelligence are great predictors of success in life. Help teens develop in this direction by talking about people in the news, in film, or in our family who did the right thing despite the risk. Everyone has had these moments and talking about it reinforces the fact that we all have the courage it takes to overcome fear.
When I asked kids, “How would your life be different if you didn’t have to worry what other people think?” here’s what they said:
“I’d probably share with people that ‘Hey, being yourself is cool, and if you can’t do this now… why not?’”- “I would not spend a lot of money or do stupid things just to fit in.”
- “I would try out for football with the boys.”
- “I’d go to school in costume every day, dressed as a medieval knight, an astronaut, a soldier, or something totally new!”
- “I wouldn’t formulate the perfect words to say to those perfect people. I would say exactly how I feel.”
- “I would eat a cheesecake and wear a flannel vest. Woah! That would be a pretty darn cool world!”
- “I would love it! It would be like a freedom that lets you fly and soar.”
We want our kids to be happy and happiness is rooted in a strong sense of self. Sometimes your thoughtful words will encourage teens to fight against peer approval addiction and quit hiding behind a mask. Sometimes we’re more helpful just by listening compassionately. I’ve got no tip-sheet for you, just a question: As a parent, what could you do today and on an ongoing basis to help your son or daughter fly and soar?
Facebook
Twitter
