By Amy McCready
Parenting expert Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. which offers free training resources. She created the celebrated Positive Parenting Solutions Online parenting course that empowers parents of toddlers to teens with the skills to correct misbehaviors permanently without nagging, reminding or yelling. Amy is a Positive Discipline Parent Educator and most importantly – a mom of two sons ages 12 and 14.
Appreciate the moments of calm and you catch 'em in the act of doing something right
Parents want to have close relationships with their children, but many wonder if that’s even possible as their once sweet, loving, cuddly child enters adolescence. Suddenly, your son is more interested in peers than spending time with the family, your daughter may be showing more rebellious behavior, and now, instead of being the one they turn to for advice, you don’t know a thing!
While scary for parents, the normal individualization process during the tween and teen years doesn’t have to involve power struggles and hard feelings if parents avoid these three common parenting mistakes:
1. Too much “ordering, correcting & directing”: No one wants to be bossed around and “ordering, correcting and directing” is a guaranteed way to get your tween or teen to shut down. Parents wouldn’t order, correct and direct friends or co-workers, yet many will bark orders in an attempt to demand compliance from kids. If we expect kids to respect parents, parents have to reciprocate with respectful communication.
Instead, use a calm voice and make respectful and reasonable requests. Ask yourself the question… “How would I feel if someone made this same request of me?” A calm and respectful approach doesn’t mean that kids aren’t held accountable for their behavior. Parents can hold kids accountable in a way that fosters a mutually respectful relationship and empowers kids to learn from their choices.
Instead of “ordering” – try “inviting cooperation”… “I’m slammed with work this evening. Anything you can do to help with the dinner clean up would really make a difference for me tonight.” Nine times out of ten – the teen will lend a hand!
2. Exerting too much control: Part of the normal development process for teens is to separate from us – but that invokes fear in most parents and they respond by “clamping down.” Instead of respecting the child’s need for greater autonomy – parents attempt to exert more control, which escalates power struggles.
Recognize your teen’s growing need for power and autonomy. Instead of “clamping down,” look for opportunities to give your teen MORE responsibility and decision making opportunities. Involve your teen in family decisions as appropriate.
Be reasonable with curfews and privileges. Demonstrate faith in your teen by giving a little more rope – but within your comfort zone. Be very clear about the responsibilities that accompany his or her privileges and be sure to reveal consequences in advance. That way your child will be perfectly clear about what will happen if he or she decides to test your limits. As the late parenting educator and author, H. Stephen Glenn said, “Children need enough rope to get rope burn, but not enough to hang themselves.”
3. Not being ON their team. Most teens feel that their parents are against them – not with them. When parents order, direct and correct too much, interrogate them about every little thing, or try to exert too much control – it invites power struggles and reinforces the feeling that we’re against them. When teens feel that parents are ON their team, they are more likely to communicate honestly and openly and may actually want to spend time with the family!
Show that you’re ON their team by getting into their world. Spend one-on-one time with them – on a daily basis – doing what THEY like to do. Parents often perceive that teens don’t want to spend time with parents – but they do! Taking 10 minutes, one or two times a day to talk, hang out, download music – or whatever your teen enjoys – increases your emotional connection and works wonders in keeping lines of communication open. It reinforces that you are “on her team” – not against her.
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I disagree with all 3 examples given. Being respectful doesn’t mean you can tell a child to do something. If you need them to do their chores tell them so. Parents don’t need to be afraid to tell their child to something. I do agree that there is a way to say everything. A parents tone is a big factor.
I would rather my daughter see me as her parent than her friend. I am here to guide and direct not to play and be buddies.
This article states some of the many reasons why teens are falling into alot of negative patterns such as drugs, teen pregnancy and STDs among them is at an all time high.
Not saying we should be harsh but we do need to guide out children with confidence and not be fickle. 🙂
Comment by Raising Peace — May 3, 2010 @ 5:20 pm
As a parent of a 4 and 6 year old, and a former middle school teacher, Amy’s advice is so spot on. I’m almost gleeful when my 6 year old says, “You’re not the boss of me!” because I can reply, “You’re right! You are the boss of you! I’m here to guide you, and help you get enough practice!”
It’s so easy to fall into the habit of ordering, correcting, or directing– even when you are trying not to do it. To scaffold their independence takes a lot of effort on a parent’s part, but is so important.
And being with them, truly with them, you’ll find they want to do so many different things. The best is to know all these things before you hit the tween/teen stage, so you have practice too.
Comment by Kira — May 3, 2010 @ 7:23 pm
This advice is a great way to prepare our kids to be adults the rest of their lives. Being on their team by spending time in their world is so valuable. At 17, our daughter continues to share her music and Facebook messages and friends, a treasure only derived by not nagging all the time. We’re not trying to be her friend with such actions, we are accepting the invitation to walk into her world. I didn’t get such invitations from my oldest child but I also didn’t parent him as effectively.
Comment by Dee Valdez — May 3, 2010 @ 10:45 pm
Dear Raising Peace:
Thanks for your comment!
In working with parents of teens and tweens over the years -the story is often the same – parents DEMANDING compliance and then wondering why their kids are less than cooperative and frustrated that they don’t open up.
I agree with you that parents have to provide clear direction and set expectations for their kids. However, more often than not – the tone of the communication is ORDERING, CORRECTING and DIRECTING. Kids are no different than adults in that they don’t appreciate being bossed around. We do expect kids to help around the house and respect our rules, but that’s more likely to happen if we avoid ordering, correcting and directing.
The article doesn’t imply that we become the friend instead of the parent. Our job is to provide guidance and leadership. However, that can be done in a respectful manner that fosters a healthy, open relationship.
Being ON their team does not mean that we’re their best friend. It means that we treat kids with respect and support them in their journey towards greater independence. Giving them a little rope isn’t being permissive or fickle when we’re very clear about the RESPONSIBILITIES that accompany the privileges AND we reveal CONSEQUENCES in advance if they decide to test the limits.
It’s better that tweens and teens learn HOW to make good decisions within the safety and support of the family instead of being overly strict and letting them figure that out on their own when they leave for college.
All parents want an open and loving relationship with their kids – even in the teen/tween years! I hope this article provides some insight about the typical parenting pitfalls to avoid.
Thanks again for reading the article and taking time to comment!
Best regards,
Amy McCready
Founder, Positive Parenting Solutions
Comment by Amy McCready — May 4, 2010 @ 4:28 am