July 24, 2013
Manic Pixie Dream Girl circa 1961
The ultimate prize of parenting is a healthy relationship with your adult children. If your kids still live with you it’s probably weird imaging they’ll ever not need you to sort their underwear or sign permission slips. But hopefully that day will come. And when it does, how will you know you’ve hit the jackpot? There isn’t just one way to have a healthy relationship. But there sure are a lot of wrong ways. For example, a healthy parent-adult child relationship includes feeling safe to share selected personal stuff. On the other hand, if you or your adult child is calling and texting 27 times a day, you might have some issues. One sure-fire litmus test verifying whether you and your grown-up son or daughter have a healthy relationship is that you both actually enjoy spending time together.
My son, Ezra, is happily married and lives about 20 miles away. David and I just saw him a couple of weeks ago for a family get-together on the 4th of July. It was lovely and fun, but he and I didn’t really get to talk… not really. So I sent him an email Sunday night telling him I was thinking about him. “How about you and I scheduling some time together soon?” Ezra wrote right back and suggested we meet up for dinner the next night. Which we did. Just the two of us. In a restaurant. We chowed down and talked about what each of us has been up to. Then we effortlessly segued into a discussion of Arrested Development, The Crash Reel, Ruby Parks, and what’s up with all these quirky female characters? (aka, Manic Pixie Dream Girls).
We debated. We laughed. We shared insights. We shared dessert. We split the bill. It was, as Ez likes to say, “Good times.”
Here’s to good times for you and your kids, now and in the future.
July 27, 2012
Let the Games begin... Peace!
Eight years ago (how’s that possible?!) I was hired to create lesson plans for a middle school advisory program. For those unfamiliar with “advisory,” typically it’s a weekly class in which small groups of 6th-8th graders come together with a teacher for conversations about social-emotional challenges. Topics might include: body image, peer pressure, conflict resolution, etc. Since that year’s school calendar coincided with the start the ’04 Summer Olympics I created a couple of Olympic themed lesson plans. I was reminded of them this morning and thought you might like to use some of these ideas this evening as you and your family enjoy the opening ceremonies of the London 2012 Olympic Games.
The Olympics Part 1
Educational objective – Understand a bit about the Olympic games as a historic tradition and appreciate them as a model for goal setting, team work, international goodwill.
Some background to share with your kids: Greece was the home of the first Olympics more than 2500 years ago. In the ancient Games, only free men who spoke Greek could compete. Today’s modern Olympics are open to male & female athletes from all over the world. Ask your kids: How is that an improvement over the ancient form?
Watch the Opening Ceremonies on TV and see how many different countries are represented in the Parade of Nations. Find as many as you can on a map.
In ancient times winning athletes received a crown made from olive leaves and they were treated like sports celebrities. ASK: What can Olympic athletes win today?
Ancient Olympic events only included foot races, boxing, wrestling, discus throwing. This year’s Summer Olympics will include 26 sports with 36 disciplines and about 300 events (including archery, weightlifting, Tai Kwondo, volleyball and or course, all kinds of track and swimming events) Women’s Boxing has been added for the first time. ASK: What’s your favorite Olympic event? Talk about why each person in the family likes the sport you do.
EMPHASIZE: All Olympic athletes have short & long term goals. In the same way that each of us has goals, during the summer and throughout the school year. Athletes also have a Game Plan that includes: Daily practice. Work with coach. A support network.
Educational objective – Increase awareness of the personal achievements of individual athletes who’ve made it to the Olympics through perseverance and the support they get from coaches, family, teammates.
To make it to the Olympics, you need 2 things. Perseverance is one. ASK: What does perseverance mean? (Steady and continuous work toward a goal, despite difficulties or setbacks.)
ASK: What does this quotation mean to you? “Constant dripping hollows out a stone.” (Lucretius) (Keep at it and you will make progress.)
EMPHASIZE: All the Olympic athletes worked very hard for years. It takes perseverance to achieve a goal. So even if they don’t win a medal, they have achieved an impressive goal of getting to the Games.
The other thing the athletes need is support. ASK: What does support mean? (To give active help and encouragement.)
EMPHASIZE: Perseverance can only come from you. It’s your effort that will help you achieve your goals at school and in life. Support is the help you get from others. ASK: Who are your supporters, at home? At school?
I hope this helps you bring something extra to your family’s enjoyment of the Olympics. Let the Games begin!
July 11, 2012
This is Part 2 of my 4-part Bing Summer of Doing blog series. If you just got here and missed Part 1, let me explain. I’m the Bing Summer of Doing ‘expert‘ of the week. Part of this awesome responsibility involves blogging about the word of the day. Today’s word is unplugging. The irony of writing about unplugging while plugged in doesn’t escape me, but if I wrote on the back of this envelope, you wouldn’t see it, so…
Bing Summer of Doing - Pull the plug and.. DO
Winnie-the-Pooh said, “Sometimes I sit and think. And sometimes I just sit.” He also called himself a bear of “little brain” but I disagree. Just “sitting” is the best thing you can do at certain times. And if you’re just sitting in a park, on the beach, on a fallen tree in a forest… you’re probably in a good place, mentally and emotionally.
I’ve noticed that it’s summer. Funny how a whole season can sneak up on you like that. Actually, it’s more scary than funny. Sometimes, my time on the computer seems endless and I feel like I live in a casino – no windows or evidence the earth is turning. But I see that it’s beautiful outside (yes I do have a window) so I’ve decided to unplug. Not forever, just for some significant part of each day – as a way to grab back some balance in my life.
What am I unplugging from? How about these three things for starters? Negativity. Routine. Technology.
Unplugging from destructive emotions: Instead of marinating your soul in anger, frustration, jealousy when the mood strikes, how about simply recognizing the feeling? And then… take a few slow deep breaths. (INHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your nose. Relax your jaw and open your mouth.) Then EXHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your mouth. Repeat. …. again. Again. Now smile (a half smile will do). Good. You’ve just unplugged from an upset and hopefully you’ve done it before causing any damage. Nice going.
Unplugging from routine: Routines offer security. They can also be fun and creativity drains. Fight back by changing something you’ve been doing automatically every day. Try a miniscule shake-up like brushing your teeth with the opposite hand. Dang, unplugging from your routine could be as simple as sitting in a different place at the kitchen table. Or skipping the table altogether and taking your salad or sandwich out on the front steps. There are so many ways to dance through your day, why not make up some new moves? When you do, you’ll find your usual dance partners have to come up with some new moves of their own.
Unplugging from technology: Life isn’t virtual. It’s real. Simple truth. So easy to forget. Years ago, a storm blew out our power for 5 days. No school. No computers. No work. Me and David and the kids read aloud from a big book of obscure folktales. We paused at crucial plot points and took turns guessing what could happen next. We acted out alternative endings. We played Crazy Eights by candlelight. We roasted marshmallows. We all shared memories from childhood. And by the second or third day, we were eating outrageous ice cream sundaes for breakfast (hey, we couldn’t let all the Chunky Monkey melt, could we?). I was more than a little disappointed when the lights came back on and we all plugged in again. But you don’t need a power outage to take a healthy break from social media and the rest of it. I’m not saying you should become incommunicado for a week and freak out your friends and family. I’m just saying that by spending most of your waking hours with your head in a screen, you miss a lot of the juice of life. That’s just a waste, because the real stuff — the shared joys and disappointments between friends and family — need to be experienced face to face, not just via text and FB posts.
So I’m unplugging today. When I mentioned this to David, he said, “So you’re not going to do anything?” Wrong! I’m going to do plenty of stuff… not sure what yet, but I know, for sure that I’m not going to check my email 75 times. Tweet. or Surf. Just for today. And see what unfolds when I push back the digital infringement and make some room for other things. I’ll report back later. In the meantime, how about if you slowly take your hands off the keyboard, step back from your computer and go outside and play with a friend?
November 27, 2011
By Dr. Lyndsay Elliott
Dr. Elliott is a clinical psychologist and an eating disorder specialist in southern California. Learn more about her work here.
"Self esteem" Mixed media by Alexa Van Daam
A healthy body image means accepting and appreciating your body and feeling satisfied with your appearance. It also means being grateful for your body’s qualities and capabilities. Learning to love and respect your body is an important part of personal development and a major contributor to self-esteem. Once you connect to this inner confidence, while also letting go of unrealistic standards/expectations for what you think your body should look like, you can break free from not feeling _____ enough (thin, beautiful, young, firm!). You can then create a sense of self you can truly feel proud of. Without that, you leave yourself vulnerable to the development of disordered eating patterns, a poor relationship with food, depressive symptoms and low self-esteem.
The following list provides ways in which parents can promote a healthy self-image in their children. By utilizing these tips, parents can support their child’s self-esteem starting at an early age and establish a healthy body image. That will protect against the development of more serious eating disorders and body image issues.
1. Instill Confidence: When you comment on internal qualities you instill self-assuredness in your child. Use phrases such as, “You are really good at….” Or “You seem to really know…” Reward effort and completion, instead of outcome.
2. Encourage Movement: Find a physical activity that your child enjoys, and focus on how being active makes your child feel. Promote the health benefits of exercise, without emphasizing weight or the value of leanness.
3. Be Aware of Influences: Monitor the sources that are influencing your child. Check out what your kids are reading though the media and facebook, and listen closely (without intruding) to the conversations they have with their peers. Encourage your child to discuss what is going on around them, and to have a healthy critical mind of what they have seen or heard.
4. Be a Good Role Model: Eliminate the word “diet” from your vocabulary, do not discuss how much weight you want to lose, or how what you have eaten will impact your appearance. Be brave enough to remove the scale from your home.
5. Develop Positive Self-Beliefs: Help your kids to set realistic standards in evaluating themselves. Praise achievements. Identify areas where they can grow, and give them positive, accurate feedback on their performance.
6. Find Balance in your Kitchen: Offer a variety of nutritious and “junk” foods in your home for your children. Establish healthy eating habits. Help them to choose foods based on what their bodies need to give them energy. Do not limit portions or ban foods, and allow them treats as appropriate.
7. Be Kind to Others: Avoid speaking negatively about other people’s appearances and weight. First, it’s just not nice. Second, your child will wonder if you critique them, and may become fearful of being judged too.
8. Give Your Child Too Much Love: Consistently show your children how much you care about them. Give them physical affection, leave notes in their lunchboxes, offer praise frequently. But, be honest. Your kids will know if it is genuine!
9. Remember the Joys of Puberty: Weight and shape may fluctuate with growth and maturity. Normalize changes, and make sure your child understands that these fluctuations are a natural progression of growing up, and not necessarily indicative of the future. Everyone has an awkward stage!
10. Ask for Help: If you notice any concerning behaviors, seek the help of a professional as soon as possible. The quicker you can catch any blossoming disordered behaviors, the sooner you can help to resolve them!
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